SHATTERED

forty-five

alex

it's now our third day of being in los angeles. we had two interviews today. tomorrow is our second show here, and then we'll leave at five thirty a.m. of the day after the show.

right now, we're at jessie's brother's house. since jordan is a surgeon, he has a pretty nice house and a pretty big yard. matthew, jessie's childhood best friend, along with his wife, daisy, are also here. we're just having a little bonfire and hanging out.

"i can't believe i didn't get to see one of your shows until the twelfth show of the tour," jordan shook his head. "it was amazing though. you all did such a great job."

"yeah, y'all were amazing," matthew agreed with a nod. "it was definitely one of my favorite concerts i've been to."

"your stage presence was," daisy started, then gave a chef's kiss.

we all told them "thank you," as they complimented our show. jordan glanced between us.

as he started to speak, i glanced over at saylor. her elbow was propped on the armrest of the chair she was sitting in, and she was holding her chin in her hand. she had an almost dreamy look in her eyes as she looked at jordan. i rolled my eyes.

"i'm really proud of you all. you're making it big, and fairly quickly at that," jordan told us. he looked at all of us, even matthew and daisy. "you're all like my little siblings, seriously, so i love watching you all succeed and do great in life."

at that, saylor kinda pouted and slumped her shoulders. i rolled my eyes once more as i looked away from her. as everybody started to talk back to jordan and respond to what he said, i drowned them out.

i glanced down. i was wearing a jacket over a t-shirt, and the jacket was zipped halfway. i was wearing my binder as well. of course, even with my binder, my chest wasn't as flat as i wanted it to be or wished it was. i let out a quiet, frustrated sigh as i shifted in my seat and pulled the zipper of my jacket all the way up in an attempt to hide my chest.

don't get me wrong, my body dysphoria regarding my chest is always there, gnawing at the back of my mind. sometimes though, it gets excruciatingly noticeable, and it's all i can think about. it ruins so many things.

since our first night in los angeles, not too long after our show and after we got back to the hotel, it's been a constant thought in my head. after my shower, i ended up snapping at saylor because i was so upset, due to it.

i really didn't mean to snap at her like that. i feel bad about it, even though i've already apologized.

the next morning, i ended up taking her out to breakfast after i apologized. i actually had a good time, and it helped take my mind off of it a bit.

but after we ate breakfast, saylor went out to do whatever with jessie and miguel. i, on the other hand, stayed in the hotel all day, in bed. i didn't want to go out and have other people be able to look at and see my chest, and i didn't want to be up to be able to see my chest.

words cannot explain how much i hate this shit.

the longer i sat there, the more uncomfortable i got. my leg was shaking anxiously as i kept glancing down at my chest. even though i couldn't see it now, due to my posture and my jacket, i had already saw it before i hid it, which was enough to set me off.

"i'll be right back," i mumbled as i got up. i walked between mine and jordan's chairs as i walked towards his back door, so that i could go inside and away from everybody else.

once inside, i crossed my arms over my chest, and i bit my thumbnail. i paced around as i tried to calm myself, but i wasn't doing that great of a job.

i'm not even sure how long had passed before i heard the back door open. "alex? you okay, dude? you've been in here for a hot minute," jordan called out as i heard his footsteps.