SHATTERED

fifty

alex

when i woke up the next morning, i let out a deep sigh. i was slightly hungover from the shots i had drank last night. when i checked the time on my phone, i rolled my eyes as i saw that it wasn't even five a.m. yet.

i wasted no time in getting up to get some medicine out of my bag, so that i could try to get rid of the pounding in my head. after i took some medicine, i made my way to the bathroom. i started to do my usual morning routine. as i was brushing my teeth, i thought back to yesterday.

i kissed saylor... i kissed saylor a lot.

and i liked it... i liked it a lot.

that's scary. i don't know how to feel about that.

after i finished brushing my teeth, i packed all of my things into my suitcase. i made my bed as well. i stood there for a moment, with my arms crossed over my chest, as i looked at saylor.

kissing saylor has made me realize just how much i like her. i really like her, and i don't want to.

i interlaced my hands and placed them on the top of my head as i let out a slow puff of air. i bit my lip, then shook my head.

i can't and won't put myself through this again.

i grabbed my suitcase and anything else i needed, then left the room. i stopped in the lobby to turn in my room key before i made my way to the tour bus. we're taking a short ride in it to get to the airport, which will, obviously, get us back to new york faster.

once i was on the tour bus, i reluctantly got into my bunk. since it was barely even five a.m., i was the only person on the bus, besides the driver. still, i didn't want to risk somebody else getting on and trying to start a conversation with me. 

i was going to try and go back to sleep, but i had no luck in doing so. my thoughts kept me awake.

•

roughly two hours later, we're all on a plane back to new york city. i'm sitting with jessie on one aisle, while miguel, saylor, and laura are all sitting together on a different aisle.

i glanced over at them. saylor was sound asleep and cuddled into miguel's side, as best as she could. he had an arm around her and was comforting rubbing her arm. my brows knitted together slightly. she's been clinging onto him since we got off of the bus, and i think while we were even on the bus, as well.

"miggy," i caught his attention.

he looked up from where he had been on his phone. he raised a brow. "yeah?"

"is she—" i started to ask, but i stopped. i bit the inside of my cheek.

"is she okay?" he finished for me. i gave a hesitant nod. he let out a sigh, and he shrugged. "i dunno. she seemed pretty upset, but she refused to talk about it."

i let out a small "oh," before i faced forward again. i crossed my arms over my chest, and i bounced my leg anxiously.

she'll be fine... it's not like we were even that close... it'll be fine.

right?

i glanced to my side. i dipped my head as i saw that jessie was also sound asleep. i pulled my phone out in an attempt to distract myself.

•

once we landed in new york, i didn't even look in saylor's direction. i made my way off the plane with everyone else, got my luggage, then told laura that i would get my own uber instead of going with everybody else.

i took an uber to my apartment, and i quickly made my way up to it. i entered my apartment with a relieved sigh.

i've missed my apartment. traveling while on tour was fun and all, but nothing will beat the comfort of my own apartment.

that being said... i still couldn't stop thinking about saylor.

i feel bad about just ignoring her like this.

it's not like i don't have my reasons though. i'm scared of feelings. i don't want to have these feelings for her.

i refuse to act on my feelings. i'm just going to end up hurt, and i can't go through that again.

again, i feel bad about just ghosting saylor like this, but at the same time, is wanting to avoid getting hurt, really so bad? can i really be blamed for that?

she fucked me up so badly. i was just a kid then... there's no telling how much more this would hurt.

i sighed deeply as i put my suitcase in my room for now. i glanced around. i spotted a half empty bottle of crown royal regal apple on my nightstand. i bit the inside of my cheek as i contemplated it.

it's not even dark out yet.

it didn't take much more thought for me to walk over towards my nightstand. i grabbed the bottle off of it, and i opened it. i took a few sips as i stood there. as i was doing so, my phone buzzed in my pocket.

i pulled my phone out. my eyes scanned over the text. it was from someone i hook up with from time to time, and they were asking if i was back in town yet. my jaw clenched a bit. i eventually texted back for them to come over. as i waited for them, i continued to drink from the bottle of crown.

•

a/n ayooo

short chapter today

thoughts??

predictions?

anyways, how the hell is this on chapter 5o already?!

it's weird for the characters to not be dating already, considering most of my books are ended/ending by chapter 50 😭

also, just a friendly reminder, alex uses they/them pronouns ! :)

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