SHATTERED

eighty

alex

i woke up abruptly and gasped for air. laying on my back, i lifted my hands to press the heels of my palms into my eyes. i struggled to slowly take a breath in and then let it out. i continued to do this for a few minutes until my breathing was regulated.

i'm so tired of this. i'm so tired of thinking of and being reminded of her, constantly. it's so exhausting. it seems like no matter what i do, i can't forget her or block her out.

i moved my hands from my eyes, and i let out a deep sigh. i started to get out of bed.

i need a cigarette.

or a drink. either one would work.

"where are you going?" i heard a sleepy mumble as an arm wrapped around me to keep me in the bed.

i turned to see saylor looking at me with barely opened eyes. i stared at her helplessly for a moment.

"you're not leaving, are you?" she asked quietly as she held eye contact.

i shook my head. "i wouldn't leave without telling you first," i reminded her as i spoke just as softly as she did.

"lay back down then," her eyes scanned mine. "please?"

i hesitated for a moment. i let out a small breath as i laid back down. she cuddled up close to me, and she let out a content sigh. i wrapped my arm around her, and held her close.

i could feel her start to place slow, innocent kisses on the skin that was exposed above the collar of my shirt. with each kiss, i could feel myself relax more and more.

"you're okay, baby," i barely heard her whisper against my skin. "just go back to sleep."

with that, she resumed pressing slow kisses across my neck and between my collarbones. a few minutes passed, and they came to a gradual stop as she fell back asleep. i glanced down at her, and i let out a shaky sigh as i held her closer.

she's seriously such an angel.

what did i do to deserve her? to have her in my life and be close with her like this?

i don't deserve her.

i pressed a faint kiss to the top of her head. i relaxed as i matched my breathing to her's. it wasn't long before i fell back asleep; this time, i had a peaceful dream, instead of dreaming of flashbacks to my past, like i had before.

•

later in the day, the band is in a venue to practice for our second tour, which is coming up in january. it'll be just a few days after jessie's birthday, and it'll be almost two months long. our second stop of the tour is in paris.

it'll be weird being back in paris after so many years.

right now, we're waiting for everyone else to get things set up for us to go through our set list. jessie is sitting behind her drums, and she seems to be texting someone on her phone. they've barely even looked up.

miguel is tuning his bass as he sat crisscrossed on the floor. after he tuned it, he started to play it at a low volume.

i glanced to saylor. she had just pocketed her phone after scrolling through it for a moment. she started to walk towards her guitar.

before she could, i walked up behind her. i draped my arms over her shoulders, and i turned my head to look at the side of her face. she turned to look at me, and she smiled.