NEVER IN A FOREVER (Manan)

31

Manik

I saw Nandini running out of the warehouse like she was trying not to break. I hit Madhyam with a glass bottle that was near to me on his head and saw him falling unconscious with blood smeared all over.

I blew out a frustrated breath before running out of the warehouse to see Nandini standing a few feet away from my car and a knife in her hand pressed to another hand and I lost my breath at that moment.

It felt like everything came back to me in a single moment. As if my past was sucking me back into the loophole. I lost her. I lost her. I could have lost her. That kept repeating in my head until I couldn’t take it anymore and I ran to her and wrapped my fingers around her arms and pulled her with force.

The knife slipped off her hands and the first thing I noticed was her tears and her  breathing. She was having her eyes half closed as if she was having an internal battle. Panic attack.

I sent everyone away and held her in my arms trying to assure myself that she was there. I said a few things to calm her down and it worked. She is in my arms.

Wrapped in me like a porcelain doll. Her fragile body fit mine like a completed puzzle. That was the moment I knew she was the missing part of the incomplete puzzle.

It took me a few moments to realise what made me go back to  my past. Knife on wrist. Blood. Tears. Ragged breaths. Pain. Love. Hurt. Fuck.

“Wait , you just tried to suicide" I broke the hug instantly and she looked at me with wide eyes.

How many times has she tried to do this before? To try to harm herself to calm down? She’d have died. She could have lost her life.

How could this cruel world hurt an innocent soul so badly that the person thinks the world would be better without them? I used to think people suicided because they were cowards.

No, People suicide because they have seen the ugly parts of life so fast and so deep that their soul died.

The way they experienced pain which no one noticed or refused to acknowledge, the society makes the person feel so alone that they start to find comfort in darkness and warmth in pain and when it reaches it’s peaks, the body or the soul couldn’t take it and they end up giving away their life than feeling that they have people around who could be a shoulder and saved their life.

And after seeing a suicide closely, I realised no one’s suicide is actually a suicide, It is a murder, murder by the society.

They kill the person’s soul and act like they never did. And when it comes to the human’s presence and the person decides to cut it off too, people jump in saying cheesy dialogues.

They never realise what they did until they have to face the consequences.

And I’m sure even Nandini’s parents will put up an emotional drama when they find this out saying “did we ever deny your wishes?” “didn’t we give you freedom?” And all. Life sucks.

“I’m sorry, it happened in the heat of the moment. I didn’t realise what I was doing. I’ll try not to repeat it” Nandini said, her voice low.

I’m so damn angry at her for pulling up this stunt but I don’t want to get angry at her. She may have another panic attack so I have to stay composed.

But I still couldn’t shake out the fear of what would have happened if I was a few seconds late was still killing me.

I’m honestly not angry at her because she was like this because of the conditions she grew up in. And I can’t blame her for having selfish parents.

I held her hand and caressed her wrist where the little drops of blood were smeared a little and were completely dry.

I shook my head and led her to the car. I’m sure everyone had left. I’ll ask Piyush to get Madhyam to hospital after an hour or so.

I did the first aid to her hand quietly and tried not to look at her. Why not when she got the looks that could melt me into a puddle in a few seconds?

I don’t want to talk at this moment where I could speak in my anger and hurt her. I don’t want her to be on the other end of my anger, it won’t end well and she had one of the shittiest days.

Glad that she had her chuda [bangles] on her wrists fully. No one will notice the band aid and she doesn’t have to remind herself about it.

I started the car again to reach home. I think I’ll hit the gym for sometime until my anger calms down before I talk to her.

“Manik-” She tried to speak. I shook my head instantly.

“Not now Nandini. Just sleep” I told her, gritting my teeth. She looked hurt but she closed her eyes leaning on to the seat comfortably and I sighed.

I concentrated on driving as I looked at the road, but my mind was still wandering around her parents and Madhyam.

Most of her life, she had more cruel people in her life than good ones. It’s not about how many people you had in your life but the type of bond you share with them.

When I was sure that she was asleep, I called Abhi and connected it to my earpods and kept them in my ears.

“Yeah Manik? How’s Nandini? Is the cut too big? Do you need me to bring a doctor?” ABhimanyu spoke continuously.

“Calm down man. Breath. She is fine, infact sleeping. I’m taking her home. She needs to sleep for a while. She looks exhausted” I replied.

“Oh” was his reply.

“How many times did Nandini try to harm herself Abhi?” I asked the question that was bugging me for a long time.

“I never knew she had suicidal tendencies Manik” His reply left me speechless.