Stay

100

TRIGGER WARNING

I can't do it I thought I can't give up. I cut my arms a few times not deep. I just wanted to punish myself for even considering that and get out of my thoughts. I got up and threw away the razor. My arms were bleeding a good amount. I quickly threw big bandaids on my arms then put the hoodie back on. I walked out of the bathroom and quickly got in bed.

It took me a little while before I finally fell asleep. I woke up around 5:30 and looked at my phone. Damn I slept for 3 and a half hours. I sat up and stretched my arms instantly regretting it as pain shot through them. I looked at the bandaids blood was almost coming through them. I got up and put on some new ones then hid the old ones under garbage already in the can.

I pulled the sleeves back down and walked out to the living room. Colby was sitting on the couch holding Everest. "Hey how was your nap." Colby said as I sat down next to him. "Good." I said as he wrapped his arm around my shoulders.

"You feeling better." He asked me. "um yeah." I said not wanting to get into it. We sat quietly for a little bit before I got up and went to pump. I pumped for awhile and got alot. I packaged it and put it in the freezer. I had alot saved now enough for a weeks worth of feedings. I was happy I didnt have to worry about him getting fed If I was gone for a few hours.

I heard Colby go upstairs while I cleaned up the kitchen a bit. A few minutes later I went into the living room as Colby came back down. "Hey babe can we talk quick." He asked me. "Yeah sure where is Everest." I said. "Kat has him for a minute so we can talk." He said. "Okay." I said. Colby and I went to our room and he shut the door.

"Your freaking me out is everything okay." I said as we sat next to each other on the side of the bed. "I don't know is it." He said looking at me. "What do you mean." I said confused. "M there is something you aren't telling me." He said. "What no." I said. "Marissa I know you to your core. You are usually a talkative person and you love hanging out with our friends. But Lately you have been isolating more than usual and are quiet. And I know part of it is because of everything with Mark but there is something else." Colby said.

"I'm fine." I said standing up. I went to walk away. "M please." He said grabbing my arm. I hissed from the pain that radiated through my arm. I looked at Colby he looked worried and frustrated at the same time. "Babe let me see your arm." He said standing up. I shook my head no as tears filled my eyes. "Please let me see them." He said. I shook my head again.

"Baby please." Colby said his voice breaking as he brought his hand to my cheek. I started to cry and uncrossed my arms letting them hang at my sides. Colby grabbed my right hand lifting my arm and turning it over. He pushed the sleeve of the hoodie up and saw all the band aids. Blood was starting to soak through again but not as bad as it was before.

Colby slowly and carefully took off the band aids revealing the cuts. "Oh M." He whispered. He set that arm down then did the same with my left arm. My left arm was worse. As Colby took the band aids off I looked at my feet I didn't want to look at him.

"M Look at me." He said softly. I just shook my head. Colby gently grabbed my chin tilting my head up. "When did this happen." He said. "When I went to take a nap. I went to the bathroom first." I said softly. "Why did you do this baby." He said. "To get out of my head and punish myself." I said.

"Punish yourself? For what." Colby said. "Because I was gonna.." I cut myself off. Tears streaming down my face. "I..I was gonna..do more than just...hurt myself. I was gonna k..kill...myself." I said fully crying now. Colby grabbed my face with both hands. "Marissa why didn't you tell me. Why didn't you tell me you were hurting this bad." Colby said as tears fell onto his cheeks.

"Because I thought if I told you that you would leave me that you would take Everest away and think I cant be a mom or that I can't be trusted." I cried. "Baby I would never do that. I need you to realize no matter what happens I'm here through thick and thin. I'm not leaving your side. I'm here alright I'm not going anywhere and neither is our son." Colby said