Heaven Help Us

News

Alright, let's get down to it.

I haven't posted in a long time. Partly because I lost my files, and partly because there's a lot going on right now.

I debated with myself on telling you guys these things, but decided that you deserved to know why I haven't been on much or updating.

As all of you probably know by now, My Chemical Romance has called it quits.

That was the last part of my world to shatter.

When nobody else was there for me, MCR's music was.

I've been crying pretty much non-stop since I found out that they ended the band. I kind of lost my grip on reality for a few hours, where my head was numb and I was dizzy and all of my body felt heavy. And then I was in full force denial. It can't be happening, the rumors that it was just some hacker are true, they can't do this to me, to their fanbase. They can't. They wouldn't. They won't.

They did.

After that, I kind of fell into a depressive mode where I curled up in a ball and cried in the darkness of my room. I was alone again. This time, it felt like MCR's music wasn't there to save me. But despite the urge to, I didn't revert to the state I was in the first time that I had been alone and MCR had been there for me.

When I woke up today, I wasn't hungry. But I forced Cheetos down my throat anyways. And then I puked. I've only been able to ingest water. My body is rejecting food, is what my doctor said. Either because I don't want to consume food or because of some huge stressor. I think it's a mixture of both.

I mean, what can I do now, right? My entire world has fallen apart and there's nothing I can do about it. And I'm not just talking about MCR.

People who used to mean everything to me, who were like my parents even, have changed. Or maybe it's just me who has changed.

Either way, we don't fit together anymore. There's no room in either of our worlds for one another. We aren't the same as we used to be.

This boy who I was head over heels in love with...we've stopped talking altogether. I don't really feel anything for him anymore,

 For a while, I lost all feeling. And then I let go of my best friend who is now dating my ex who did heroin. They're fucking perfect for each other.

I tried to start anew. I found my smile again, through a new person.

I watched a fuckton of YouTubers and found myself laughing and feeling light and bubbly. Rather happy, I think. The first real happiness in a long time.

I guess you could say that these YouTubers were like my second MCR...combined, though, it was fantastic. I was unstoppable. I had all of the hope and happiness that I could have needed.

That's when I went down to the house of the people who were once like my parents and discovered the changes in the both of us. I left a day early because I couldn't sleep and we did literally nothing there. I felt it was time for me to let them go and likewise. Down there, I felt the impulses I used to get. The ones to kill myself. To slit my wrists and end it all.

So I returned home, but it wasn't the same anymore. I had lost my smile again.

Have lost it.

I still haven't recovered it.

I don't know if I'll be able to.

I just got home from that place a few days ago, so to return from that and then be hit with the MCR break-up...

What a set back...

I'm sorry if I don't update again for a while. I'm just going to re-write out the last bit of the entire HHU story and post it all in one go. And the two one-shots.

I'm sorry, guys. You've been nothing but loyal to me through everything on here, and I'm doing this...

I'm so sorry.