Heaven Help Us

Confessions Of Heartbreak

“Good.” He nodded his approval, letting go of me, holding the Batman toy to his chest. “Good,” He repeated. “Goodnight, Mommy. ‘Night Daddy.”

And he laid down again, pulling his Batman comforter up to his chin.

“Jus’…love you,” He muttered tiredly.

Rain stood up and I did too. She smoothed his hair back from his face, looking at him adoringly, and then took my hand again, leading me out of the room and into hers.

“Are you alright?” She asked me, gently wiping tears from my cheeks.

“I’m…fuck, Rain, I’m great…this is…” I struggled to get the words out.

“I wish you could have been there…through…everything.”

“So do I. God, Rain, I’m so, so sorry. I screwed up so bad all those years ago, and do you know how many times I wanted to take it back? I’ve spent a lot of the last five years thinking about you. I went to every one of your band’s shows in California. Every. One. Of. Them.”

She tugged on my shirt and we sat down on her bed.

“Do you know how many times I wish you’d showed up at Christmas, or any other holiday? Even on any given day, I hoped you’d knock on the door, and you, Jeph and I would be a family. But it never happened. I wanted to call you so often, and tell you about Jeph, and ask how you were and if you’d come back and we could just be happy. That’s all we ever wanted, Andy. We both said it, all those years ago. We just wanted to be happy, and happy was always together. I missed you so much it hurt. Dante helped out with everything, and I’m beyond grateful he has, and does; but I always wanted you to be there, too. I wanted you to know your son, so that’s why when we talked a few weeks ago, I knew I had to tell you. You’d changed. I could tell you weren’t so fucked up anymore…I had to tell you.” She said, fistfuls of my black nightshirt in her hands.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I moved forward and pressed my lips against hers.

There was no holding back; no hesitation of any kind. It was a clash of lips, teeth, and tongue until she pulled back.

“No, Andy.”

I sat there, confused; breathless until she continued.

“We can’t…I’m not saying that was a mistake, because that would be a lie. But we can’t. You can’t just expect us to pick up where we left off. I was really hurt and I still love you, but we need to…take it slow, okay?”

I nodded, trying to understand.

“Can I sleep in here with you? As…friends who are in love and have a kid together?”

She smiled sadly, but agreed anyway.

After that, we just lay there, talking and catching up some.

I knew it wasn’t going to pick up where we left off, but it was going to get better. We could be together again eventually, and I’d have the love of my life and my son.

I still had to get used to that: My son.

Our son.