Future me problems

Missed calls 39

February 2023

This isn't how I saw this day going.

It's all because of a useless argument, which I know, I'm the reason for and I should've just told El that she was right.

I should've asked for help...

After the euro's everything started falling apart for me and my mind began going back to how it used to be.

My mental health came crashing down like a meteorite with flashbacks and nightmares as a constant reminder of my childhood.

Instead of telling someone, I kept it to myself...

I made it 6 months without anyone noticing but today was the day that someone did notice.

That someone was Katie.

The argument with El was because Katie and I got into a fight when she confronted me and then she told El what she saw.

Like I said...100% my own fault.

I've always been good at keeping secrets and covering up my feelings with humor. I put on this performance and act like I'm happy...like nothing could ever break me.

Fake it till you become it.

That's honestly all I remember from that particular Ted talk and I use it for all the wrong reasons...

Right now I'm somewhere in the middle of Satan's buttcrack and I'm stuck in my head.

Have you ever just been driving around, thinking about how you've probably fucked up your whole life in the matter of hours?

Well...this morning I crumbled and what I mean by that is I absolutely completely shattered.

The only thought I had was to numb my feelings which led to Katie finding me in my car with a baggie.

We argued, I punched her, she punched me, El and Leah came out and Katie told them what happened. El and I started arguing, as I didn't see what the big deal was.

All in all it ended with her flushing the baggie down the toilet and I stormed off.

I've probably been driving around for hours with no idea where I am or where I'm going and it has given me time to think about everything that happened. I decide to turn around and go back home, ready for the scolding of a life time since I've been MIA for hours.

10 missed calls Lucy

5 missed calls Leah

16 missed calls Katie

28 missed calls El

I also got missed calls from Beth, Keira, Viv, Kim, Lessi and Ella to name a few. I've also got hundreds of texts.

Everything that happened next happened in the matter of seconds.

I see bright lights approaching me and the next thing I know is that everything's spinning until it all comes to a sudden stop.

I don't even try to do anything.

I'm just ready for it.

I'm ready for the peace and I honestly can't wait for everything to end.

I think about all the shit I've done. Every prank I've pulled. All the times I just sat on the sofa with El, Harry, Leah and Katie.

The time I scored my first goal. The time I spent with Harry, just watching shows on the sofa. All the dates I've taken El on, and all the intimate moments we've shared.