December
It's been a month since I told Goldie that I needed space and I've been slowly trying to let her in but I'm absolutely terrible at anything that requires me to express some kind of emotion that isn't negative...
Christmas Eve is in 4 days which means that I'm turning 16 in 4 days.
I'm so excited I think I want to die...
I'm kinda starting to see why Leah finally forced me to go to therapy and who knew that she only had to threaten to take away my electronics for 2 months.
"How are you feeling today TJ" ms. Happy asks me.
Her real name is Ella, I think, but I know too many Ella's and she's always smiling like a serial killer hence the nickname.
"I'm good, really want to punch Goldie locks but otherwise I'm good" I tell her as I click the pen she so kindly gifted me.
"What's the reason this time" she asks me with an intrigued expression.
"Same as usual, she pisses me off by breathing, but today she woke me up when I was napping on the floor of the chill room" I say with an eye roll "She's like a fucking blood hound, she finds me wherever I go and no matter how well I hide, she always manages to sniff me out" I groan and she chuckles.
"Have you tried talking to her" I nod "Did you talk to her or did you say something offensive" she asks me knowingly.
"I'm trying to talk to her but sometimes I hear her voice and it irritates me, which then leads to us arguing over whether or not her voice is irritating" I rant to her and she just lets me.
I really should've started coming here sooner, it's not the same as AJ but I get to just rant about whatever's bugging me and she listens.
"Where did you go just then" she asks me when I come out of my trance.
"It's nice to have someone that'll listen to me rant about what's bugging me, I haven't been able to do that since AJ left" I mumble the last part and she nods.
"Have you thought more about telling Teyah about AJ and why you're hesitant on letting her in" she asks me and I nod.
"I think I've been thinking too much about it and now I'm back to not wanting to talk to her" I tell her honestly.
"What's keeping you from telling her" she asks me and I think about it for a while before answering.
"I'm afraid that she'll realise how fucked up I am or that she'll judge me for still being hung up on AJ's death. My mind is just full of what ifs, what if she judges me, what if she thinks I'm pathetic, what if she thinks it's stupid or that she's just a replacement for my dead best friend" I say as I put all of my attention on the pen so I don't have to look at her.
"Ok, now tell me why you want to tell her" I look at her with confusion as she says that.
"Ok....I want to tell her because maybe she'll understand and can help me with this emotions bullshit like AJ did. Not that you're not trying, I just don't understand your explanations and I don't understand some words you use so I just zone out when I stop understanding you" I tell her and she nods her head in thought.
"Ok I get what you're saying, if you don't want to tell her then you don't have to and you've already thought of every worst possible scenario but you don't know what'll happen unless you tell her" she says and I think I understand.
Why worry about it when I can just ignore it until I have to deal with it...
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YOU ARE READING
Trouble just finds me...
FanfictionTatum Jones or TJ, is a 15 year old up and coming footballer who gets noticed by arsenal after a funny encounter with some of their players. TJ is known for being sarcastic and often forgets to think before talking. She's a firm believer that rule...
