Even The Weak Can Be Wicked (PLAYBOOK #2)

CHAPTER 48: Flowers that bloom in the dark

JESSICA

I am clotting.

Just when I think I have put this horrible Christmas behind me, I find my underwear soaked with blood. I changed and packed a pad but as Aleksander drove, it didn't leave my mind.

The blood is not the problem but it's the remainder because I had a miscarriage.

First it was America, then my father and now it's Holly and some baby that I didn't know was there for 3 weeks.

Why do I have to be the one always losing?

Smash!

The one that has to go through all of this always alone?

Smash!

Why is the pain still there even after a year?

Smash!

Why does it have to be one step forward and three steps back?

Smash! Smash!

Why do I have to always be the strong one?

Smash!

I didn't even get the chance to decide if I wanted a baby!

Smash!

The chance to bathe in the bliss of falling in love before the rug was pulled from under me.

Smash! Smash!

I didn't even enjoy starring in the end of year show because my fucking dog died and I lost a baby!

Smash!

Now I can't even enjoy being in love because I am scared—no, terrified. I left Aleksander in a hospital bed with a freaking concussion after being betrayed by his own brother.

Smash! Smash! Smash!

How could he ever forgive me?

Smash!

And the worst part is, I can't even tell him we lost child. I can't let him mourn what could have been because saying the words aloud will break me.

Smash!

The bat bends so I kick the shattered glass just to see something other than me fall apart. When it remains intact, I pick up something heavy and throw it through.

Finally, a million tiny pieces' scatter on the ground.

But it's not enough so I take my bent bat and throw it against the wall because I am tired of everything hurting this badly.

Lastly, I let myself fall and just hope I am not standing at the edge of the cliff.

"Jess?" I feel the rope attached between Dr Henry and I stop me from hitting the ground.

"It's not fair." I wipe my eyes because Aleksander deserves way better than someone as damaged as me.

"I know," he pulls me into his arms and I just collapse.

As he holds me, I realize I would have loved to have a baby with him and though I wasn't ready I know we would have embraced the change because it would have brought us closer.

It would have made us a family.

Aleksander and I don't talk about our meltdowns as we go home. I don't think we ever will because he cried too and seeing him so vulnerable helped me open up.

"Do you want to sleep in my bed?" Dr Henry asks after my shower.

After the date, we settled for pizza as dinner since I haven't bothered to do any grocery shopping but since I am still clotting. I decided to clean up as he went to the gym.