Crazy (s.m)

forty two

S H A W N

"I'm kinda sad.." I stated, packing everything tightly in my suitcase.

"Me too..." She mumbled, packing everything as well. "Especially because I have to go back and face the bitch that's your best friend."

See the thing is, I don't even know what me and Lauren are. I'm pissed at everything she's done to hurt my girl but we were really close and I don't want to lose our friendship. I really hope everything can work out.

"Babe." I stopped packing and walked over to her, taking her hands and kissing her knuckles. "Stop worrying. Worrying doesn't help. I'll talk to Lauren and we'll fix everything. Let's just enjoy each other this week and not think about school. And I'm here for you."

"I love you so much." She whispered and hugged me.

"I love you too." I mumbled and kissed her forehead.

"C'mon let's go before Geoff gets mad." I laughed and she nodded, smiling. God I love her smile. She doesn't smile much which breaks my heart but when she does, I get butterflies and my heart does backflips.

As for my sex life, we all knew you were probably wondering, no nothing happened on the trip. I just think we're both not ready, we're both just kids in love {song lyric whoops there goes my heart}. And I need to see her completely happy again before anything. Our relationship is so fragile with her like this.

So her mom and I getting Alice help, making sure she starts therapy and medication. So that's what the rest of this week was for.

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{next day}

A L I C E

"Mum I don't want toooo.." I groaned, stuffing my face in my pillow. "I just want Shawn." I mumbled. I heard her walk by and she pulled the pillow out from under me.

"C'mon it's good for you. You need someone else to talk to."

"Why can't I just keep talking to you and Shawn about everything? Do you really think I can just open up to some stranger?!" I whined, really not wanting to go to these therapy sessions. I know I need help but medication is enough, I don't need to talk to some stranger about my personal issues.

"Up. Now."

"Fine." I gave in, not wanting to risk getting anything of mine taken away.

Standing up, I head to my room to change into something other than my pajamas. I slipped on some leggings, my uggs and Shawn's old MagCon sweatshirt he let me have.

I honestly wish Shawn could come with me to these sessions but of course it has to be my mum, making sure I said everything right and actually talked.

It sounds like I'm crazy {fuck, emily, stop with the song and title references} and that I can't live without Shawn, but he helps me so much. But maybe taking a break from him for these next few days can get me to love myself first, finding my confidence and being able to survive on my own.

Then there's the side of me that says Shawn is my oxygen. That I have to talk to him at least once to help me feel better about myself. God, why do I do this.

So when arriving at the nice office near my house, my mom gets out of the car with me and we walk in together. I squeezed her hand for reassurance, dreading having to walk in and spill to a complete stranger. But I'm sure she will understand and not make me feel uncomfortable, right?

I started getting super anxious as we did the paper work and shit, my heart running a marathon as I walked into the room. It was a typical setting. A long black couch and one chair for the therapist. The room was basically really small with small windows and bookcases everywhere, a few plants here and there, nothing too special.

We shook hands, introduced ourselves and everything until we sat down and dove into questions.

She asked about me and my living conditions, all of that stuff. Then the deep things came along and I felt myself already getting nervous.

"So how long has this been going on and when did someone find out about it?"

I choked up, swallowing hard to get rid of a huge lump in my throat.

"U-um." I tried to get out, glancing at my mum. She was just sitting cross-legged, waiting for my answer. "Like within the past um month I started like...cutting but everything went down hill before then..."

"Okay, explain." She said, motioning me to keep going.

My mouth got dry and I swallowed hard again. Come on. You got this.

"Around, um, Christmas, back in England, m-my parents...got in an argument a-and my mum left..." I said, glancing at my mum. She gave me a weak smile, fighting away tears. "And I got really upset because we were going to lose o-our house..."

It was silent for a bit as I let out a long breath, happy I got that off my chest.

"Okay.." She whispered, looking down at her clipboard. "When did you meet Shawn?"

Um what the hell?

I looked at my mum worriedly, not knowing how the therapist knew about Shawn. Then it hit me, duh, of course my mum had to tell her about him. Damn it I hate talking about relationships.

"Well we met before the whole thing happened then I went to him when I was upset because my boyfriend at the time was out of town."

"Harry." My mum said, trying to throw in the name so the therapist knew who my ex-boyfriend was. "Harry was his name."

"Okay and may I ask what happened between you and him? Did that effect any of this?"

"Uh.." I started. "He, uh, things didn't really work out for us but it didn't effect anything." I was most definitely not telling her about him cheating.

"Alright. So did Shawn know about you cutting?"

"Y-yes." I choked out, worried my mum would be mad at me for not telling her sooner. But she didn't say anything, she just sat there, looking down and fidgeting with her fingers.

"Okay...so I know about the incident with you and his best friend Lauren but we can talk about that next week. What I want to talk about next is you. Your mother tells me you are very close to this boy, basically attached. Do you feel as if you deserve some time alone to help you?"

This is exactly what I was think about before. I don't even know what will help anymore.

"Honestly he helps me so much and he's always there for me. Being alone won't help anything." I bluntly stated, being as honest as possible.

"But maybe you need to face your problems full on instead of escaping them."

"How will that make me happy?" I ask, now getting annoyed. "How will diving into this shit help anything?!" I ask, raising my voice a little. My mum coughed and I relaxed, trying not to get mad.

"I'm saying you should practice mindfulness, calming yourself down when anxiety takes over and standing up to the people who make you feel insecure."

"I don't agree." I stated, now really wanting to leave.

"We should go.." My mum mumbled, knowing I could get even more annoyed if I stayed here longer.

"Before I let you go, just listen. I want you to go home and think, you are doing this to yourself, you are constantly beating yourself up but for what? Don't escape your problems because they'll never be solved. And practice time with yourself, not being so attached."

"Attached?! How in the hell am I attached?! I love him."

"Come on Alice let's go." My mum said, standing up. The therapist just sighed and stood up with the both of us, shaking my mum's hand and fake smiling. I rolled my eyes and we were out.

This. Isn't. Helping