Driven Mad (Book 1 in the MAD Series)(An Avengers Fan Fiction)

Steve Rogers

Steve closed Phil’s journal after reading it through, reading every word, every word making his heart either soar to the heavens or sink to the bottom of his chest. His last entry completely broke his heart, knowing that Phil knew he was going to die. Steve flipped through the pages again, running his fingers over Phil’s words, his drawings. He gently closed it again and ran his finger over the perfectly drawn shield on the cover.

It was just past midnight and Steve decided that he wasn’t going to be able to sleep much. He decided that he wasn’t even going to try. After reading that, after his heart being broken by his dead friend, he wasn’t getting any sleep. He looked up at his ceiling, staring into space. He took a deep breath, breathing in the cool air. The air rushed into his lungs making him feel much better. He closed his eyes, bowing his head.

“God? Hey. I’m really hurting with Peggy’s death and with this journal and knowing that Phil’s death wasn’t an accident or anything. I was wondering if you could get me a bit of relief. Just a little bit of help would be nice. I just need something to get me through. You know I’m still in your hands. Thank you for sending Darcy to me, I really feel a lot better with her. But please just let me know that the pain and struggle does end. Please. Amen.” He prayed.

Steve listened to the purring of the engine of the Helicarrier. There was the occasional sound of soft footsteps from outside, probably some other Avengers who couldn’t sleep or some of the S.H.I.E.L.D agents who were too busy for sleep. He wondered whether he should get up and walk around, but he decided against it. He found himself thinking about his past life, before his seventy year long nap, before even the Super Soldier Serum.

I was standing in Brooklyn just waiting for something to happen. I remember when I would stand up and get beat up but still… So small, so tiny. But so big on the inside. I need to go back. I need to go home, just to remember who I am. I must remember who I am. I’m going back… Tonight. I have to go home.

I’m going home.

And then he realized that his home, the home he knew, was gone.

Taken from him.

Destroyed.

All by human evolution and the evolving of technology.

He hated it.

His heart ached for his home, his real home. He longed to see his parents again, but they were long gone. Bucky was alive but not at all who he knew, not his friend or partner or even ally. In Bucky’s eyes, Steve was the enemy. Peggy was dead. The streets he grew up on, though they’d gotten so lonely and cold and empty during the war, were gone, demolished by the human race itself. He wished that he could go back, change his own fate, take control of the plane and fly it somewhere safe where nobody would die. He wished that he had landed the plane in warmer waters so that he could’ve just swum away instead of freezing almost to death.

Sometimes he wished he had frozen to death.

Then he would never have to see what his world had turned to. The world he knew had kind people who generally cared for each other at times. Not everyone was that way, but there were still people who cared. Not anymore. Now everyone seemed so cruel and heartless. They hated one another and they cared only for themselves. Steve’s heart broke at the thought, and his broken heart seemed to mix with anger for that fact. I would give up the Super Soldier Serum and take a million beatings to go back in time. I just want to go home.

“Lord, I really could use a time machine right now. I know that I could never manage to build it. I’m not a genius. I’m a soldier. But I’ve got geniuses to spare right on this base. Do you think that you could grant one of them the knowledge to build me a time machine? And could you preferably grant the knowledge to our good friend, Dr. Banner? I hardly know the new guys, like Dr. Pym and T’Challa, and you and I both know that Stark would just find a way to ruin it for me. We’re not the best of friends. Maybe we’re friends, but you know how he likes to mess with everybody he comes in contact with. But Banner doesn’t do that. So could you just give me a chance to really go back, just to say goodbye? Just so I could say goodbye to Bucky and Peggy, and maybe give me a chance to get to that dance with Peggy on time? Thanks for listening, God. Amen.” He prayed.