Replacing Them (Camren)

15.

LAUREN

Normani: I know you don't want to reply but let me know you're okay. 

Okay. How can I be okay? It's the anniversary of my family's death for fuck sake. Argh, why do I feel like absolute shit? Sure its the anniversary but I feel shitter than I would normally, I feel blank. I feel emotionless. I let everything out in the cemetery and now I feel nothing. Nothing at all. I feel like I've left my body and it's barely keeping itself up. I feel nothing. 

The used to feel like this all the time. People would think it's better than actually feeling but it's not, sure at first you love it, you love that there's no pain and then you realise it is pain, feeling nothing is fucking painful. Back to that feeling I suppose. 

We're at a restaurant. We used to come here all the time, me and my family. Me and Dad come here sometimes for their anniversary or if its one of their birthdays. We haven't been here in a while because we go to other places depending on who'd birthday it would've been. 

We're here but I'm not hungry, the thought of food makes me feel sick. The thought of anything makes me feel sick. Yes, I'm definitely feeling nothing again. Fuck. I need to stop myself feeling like this because once I feel this way, it's fucking hard to get me to stop. 

"What do you want sweetheart?" 

I shrugged "I'm not really hungry" 

He nodded in understanding, "Neither am I, do you just want to go home?" 

I shook my head, I really didn't want to be with them. I didn't want to be surrounded by them when today is about MY family, I didn't want anything to be about them. "Can we just go somewhere, I don't want to go home" 

"Okay" He got up and I followed him. 

I knew he knew why I didn't want to go home and a part of me thought he was having the same feelings because he didn't argue with me. He must feel some guilt being with Sinu and her kids today and that makes me feel sad. Yes Lauren, feel something! 

I got into the car and we drove. He drove for what seems liked hours but in reality it was only 45 minutes. 

He parked outside this school and I recognised it straight away. It was where my parents first met. He was missing her more than I thought. I hate that he's hurting and I can't make it better. 

"Tell me again?" I always used to ask him to tell me the story of how he meet my Mum when I was little. He would always moan about me asking but he'd smile and tell us anyway. 

He smiled and me and looked away tearing up. 

He took a deep breath and started telling the story I've heard so many times before. 

"So I was 20, I was a right so and so and I thought I was something special" He smiled at the memory. "I was picking your Aunt up from this school" He pointed at the school behind us. "I was so mad at my Mum that day, I had plans with my friends but I had to pick up my little sister instead. Anyway I walked to school and I saw your mother. I thought nothing of her at first, she was pretty and everything but I never knew she would be the love of my life." He looked at me and continued. "I looked out for my sister and I couldn't see her through the crowds, so I made my way through it trying to find her. I saw her and I called her name, she walked up to me with tears running down her face. I asked her what happened and she told me that this girl in her class was bullying her. I told her to tell me who it was and she pointed to a blonde girl. I went to the girl to talk to her. I was basically a 20 year old boy shouting at an 11 year old in a crowd of youngsters" He blushed. "Then your mother appeared. She hugged the girl who happens to be your other Aunt and well I fell in love with her attitude. The way she pushed me and told me to back off, I don't know, I wasn't expecting her to be like that when she looked so innocent but she was protecting her sister just like I was mine." 

I smiled thinking about my Mother back when she was 20. 

"I asked her out, she said no obviously" He laughed. "I went to the school everyday after that to pick up my dearest sister. She must have saw something in me because she finally agreed to let me take her out." 

He smiled at the memory and then let a tear roll down his face. He quickly wiped at it and smiled sadly at me. 

"She really loved you Dad" I smiled. 

"I know" he wiped a tear of my face I didn't know had fallen. 

"I miss them" I confessed. 

He sighed. "Me too. Taylor would be a right mare and Chris would get all the girls" 

I giggled. "Taylor was always a mare!" 

We stayed silent after that, it was a nice silence as we both thought about our family. 

"Come on, it's getting late" He drove us home and I felt slightly better. Talking about them made me feel as if I wasn't going to go back into feeling nothing and that feeling was better than anything I could have wished. 

I went straight to my room and collapsed on the bed. My phone buzzed yet again and I rolled my eyes. 

Dinah: Hey Laur, was thinking of you today! I'm here if you need x

Leave. Me. Alone. I know they care but fuck off maybe. Sometimes I just want to be left the fuck alone. I don't want people caring. I don't want anything. 

Knock Knock. 

I looked at the door as it opened. Camila came in and closed the door behind her. She stood awkwardly by the door. Fuck. Off. 

"What?" I asked coldly. I really didn't want to speak to her, especially not today argh. 

"Can we talk?" 

"No" I bluntly said hoping she'd leave me alone. 

Hurt, her face showed hurt but I honestly didn't care. Not today I didn't care. 

She nodded her head and left. Thank you.