Replacing Them (Camren)

42.

LAUREN

If I tell you the truth, I'm a little bit happy. I wouldn't say that I'm not sad anymore but I've woken up each morning this week with a little bit of happiness. It's the brown eyed girl who sleeps across me. She's doing something. 

I feel a bit bad. I feel a lot bad. I hate that I feel bad for feeling the slightest bit happy. I know I should be able to be happy.

Flashback

I should want to be here. Be at this party having fun but after the last couple of parties I've been I've completely passed out I can't do that to myself again. I know how self destructive that can be.

I have to sort myself out. I have to learn to cope with this pain another way. A more clever way. Mask it.

Normani has tried to get me to dance but I'm not really a dancing person other than when I've had a drink which I won't do. "Do you want to go home?" Normani nudges me on the couch we're sitting on.

I look at her "I do, but I don't"

That statement was so true it hurts. I want to go home. To our old home, the home we ALL lived. To where we were all a family. Not to the home that I go back to everyday. The depressing house with my Dad trying his best to keep me sane.

I want to go home.

Normani looked at me with pity and I looked away straight away. "We can go to mine? Watch a movie?"

I sigh. I don't want to spoil her night for the sake of myself. I hate that I'm being like this. I hate that.

"Come on" she gets up from her seat. "I'll ask the others"

I get up and follow her lead as she finds the others and they all agree to go back to Normani's house. Why is she always doing things like this for me. It only makes me feel shitty.

"What we watching?" Dinah asks

"Guys can we watch high school musical? You guys will love it"

We all agree and watch the movie without any interruptions. Well they do. All I'm thinking about is how Taylor would've loved this and how Chris was sit and watch it with us and pretend he wasn't enjoying it but would've secretly loved it to.

I hate that I think about them in everything I do. It's not healthy I know that. It's far from it.

But I can't help it.

I really can't.