Jumbled Heartaches* WWE Fanfic

Part 44

Nikki's point of view;

"How're you feeling about your surgery?" Mom asks as she sits on my bed. I shrug, "I don't know." She gets up and puts her arm around me.

"I know you're worried." She says quietly. "No mom of course not. What makes you think that? Just because if this surgery doesn't go as plan I can become paralyzed? Please no worries."

"Nicole! Don't say that. You have to be positive." She says giving me a look. "I know mom. I'm just really scared." I whisper.

Tonight is the night I'm finally getting my surgery. It's been a day I've been both craving and grieving. Firs of all this is a very serious procedure. If the doctor does a wrong move I could be paralyzed. That's something that's really freaking me out.

My whole family has been very supportive through this all and I appreciate. But their encouraging comments won't make me feel any better.

"Seth recently had his knee surgery and now you're having a neck surgery? That's so stressful. Two of my kids are injured." She sighs shaking her head.

"Mom. Seth is not your son." I remind her. "But it's like he was." She says in a defensive tone. "Okay whatever but we're not related at all."

"So? It doesn't have to be by blood. We're still a family. Even though Brandon and Seth are not my own, they're a part of me." She says sitting down on my bed once again.

I sit beside her and she turns to face me. "I'm really glad Seth and you are getting along." She says with a smile.

I force myself to smile because I don't know what else to do or say.

<<••>>

"Nikki make sure you're ready in an hour." Alex screams. "Okay." I reply as I close my room door.

We're leaving in an hour to go to the hospital. As time goes by I'm getting more and more anxious.

I feel my stomach growl uncontrollably. I'm trying so hard to not go down and devour everything on the fridge.

My stomach starts to ache and I start digging through my drawer. When I touch a cold piece of plastic I pull it out.

The chocolate bar is in my hands. My mouth starts to water at the thought of it touching my tongue.

I'm telling myself to stop but I can't. I rip it open and in a matter of seconds stuff it all in my mouth.

While I'm chewing and eating the immense desire I get is too much. My stomach is screaming for more and more.

I pull out four more chocolate bars that I stole from the kitchen and hid in my room. When I'm done with the chocolate I look down at my hands.

They're brown and sticky from the melted chocolate. My heart aches as my eyes fill up with tears.

I stare at my hands as I walk to the bathroom. Glancing at myself in the mirror only makes it worse.

There's chocolate smeared around my mouth. On my hands. On my shirt. I wipe my hot tears with my hands only rubbing chocolate on my face.

I squeeze my eyes shut as I start sobbing. There's a huge pain on my chest that stabs me every time I breathe.

The voices. The thoughts. They won't leave me alone. Why am I so fat? Why am I so ugly? Why am I not perfect?

I walk to my closet where my birthday presents are. A purple glittery bag quickly catches my eye.

I pull out the skin tight dress Renee gave me. When I see it I only cry more. There's no way I could ever fit this.

It's so small. So tiny. How? How could I ever fit this? My anger gets the best of me and I rip the dress. Rip it until the thin fabric falls to the floor.

I'm still crying and I grab a tiny sharp silver object I hide behind my lotions. Pulling up my shirt, right under my breast, I slice it across my skin.

I don't feel anything anymore. Just numbness. Emptiness. Yet it makes me feel better. Theres a knock on the door I quickly hide the metal and pull my shirt down.

"Nikki?" Seth says as he peeks in. I wipe my tears and see the chocolate smeared all over my face.

Seth walks in and quietly closes the door. I quickly close the door and lock it. "Nikki?" He says.

"I'm doing something." I reply as I turn on the faucet and start washing my face. After I wash my face and dry it, I take a deep breath and walk outside.

Hopefully he won't notice my puffy eyes and red nose. Or the horrible chocolate stain on my shirt.

Seth is holding the ripped dress on his hands. "Why'd you do that?" He asks looking up at me. I angrily take it away from him. "Why're you looking through my stuff?"

"I'm not. I just saw it laying on the floor. I just don't get why you ripped it. It was so pretty. It would've looked great on you." He says. I throw the dress to the trash as my face gets hot.

"It doesn't fit me. Can't you see how tiny that thing is?" You can hear the anger in voice because Seth looks perplexed.

"What? It did fit you. Nikki that dress is your size." He says. I laugh as I feel my heartache. "Whatever. Leave me alone. I want to be alone."

"But... I thought you'd like to spend some time with me before your surgery." He says. "I don't." I reply. Seth doesn't say anything. He's looking at my shirt.

When I look down my heart falls to my stomach. "You're bleeding!" He screams. "Shut up! I'm not. I just... I just cut my finger and wiped it on my shirt."

I quickly cross my arms and cover it. "But that didn't-" before he finishes his sentence I interrupt him. "Just leave!"

"I don't understand why you're being this way." He says sadly. "I don't want this anymore." The words were harder to say than I thought they'd be.

"What do you mean?" Seth whispers. "I don't want to see you anymore. This is ridiculous Rollins. This is stupid. I don't want this to continue because it's pointless. I just needed some company and I think I'll be good by myself now. I don't want you to speak to me or to look for me anymore. Stay away from me."

"But Nikki, you- you can't do this. Why're you treating me this way? Was it because of the dress? I'm sorry. I really wasn't being nosey I just saw it and-"

"It's not because of the dress, Rollins. I just want you out of my life." A knot forms on my throats when I see his face.

He looks so sad. So, so, sad. It makes my chest ache. "Nikki.. please don't do this. I love you." His words are stabbing my heart over and over.

"I don't." I say as my eyes fill up with tears. "Now leave." I say looking away before I burst into tears.

I see him walk towards the door and I feel myself fall apart. I have to stop myself from screaming and telling him to stop. To don't go. To hug me. To kiss me. To tell me it'll be okay.

But that's not fair to him. I can't keep hurting him anymore. I can't keep intoxicating his life with my depressing, pointless, stupid problems. It's just not fair to him.

If I can't be happy with myself, how can Seth ever be happy with me? There's just no way. I'm too messed up for fixing. Not even Seth can fix me. Seth can't stop all of this that's happening to me.

Sometimes it feels like it's never going to stop. The thought of it makes me paranoid. This is destroying me.