20 Ways To Kill Yourself ➳ Bullied By 5SOS

Chapter 13 - Crack

Arriving at the checkout and placing the oreos packet onto the conveyor belt, I waited to be served. Mom was quite fond of the infamous cookie and cream concoction and I was sure she would be satisfied with my choice. As the lady behind the counter scanned the single item, I looked behind her, the multiple white boxes catching my eye.

Oh how tempting they looked...

And how tempted I was to try it.

If they really gave you that calm, mellow feeling the I wanted a taste of it.

"That's 0.98 please." She said and before I could change my mind, I signalled to the cigarette packs.

"Can I have one of those too please?" I asked meekly.

"ID?" She inquired, reaching behind her. Thankfully I had grabbed my college hoodie which held my student card in it. Pulling it out, I showed it to her and silently hoped that she wouldn't judge.

That was an unbreakable habit I had. No matter what happened in my life, who I met, who they were, whether or not I would ever see them again, I had the constant fear of being judged. My anxiety levels would increase and I based my life decisions based on what people thought, or what they would think of me.

It made me feel like I was living for everyone else.

Like I wasn't really living for myself.

My thoughts were snatched away from me as she waved a hand in my face.

"Sorry?" I asked, cringing at myself for zoning out.

"That's 2.36." She repeated, offering me a friendly smile to which I faked one in return. Sticking the oreos into the plastic bag, I decided to shove the cigarette pack into the pockets of my hoodie where it would be hidden from prying eyes.

If mother saw it, she'd probably call me a junkie and have me thrown out the house after disowning me.

"Happy new year." She smiled again to which I nodded in return. Yeah there was nothing happy about that. There isn't anything happy about the start of another lousy year.

Woohoo

As I began to make my way home, a buzzing in my pocket alerted me of a notification. Pulling my phone out with the expectation of seeing multiple messages from mother asking what my exact coordinates in the world was, why in the seven heavens I wasn't already home as of yet and when the hell I would bring my ass home, I was dreadfully wrong.

Instead, it was from the same unknown number as before, but this time the obscurity even more so.

"Tut tut Maya, guess you're not as innocent as I thought." Despite being terrified on the inside and sparing a few cautious scans of my surroundings and seeing nobody there, I swallowed my fear thinking that momma didn't raise no wimp. She raised a strong, independent young woman who don't need no man.

'Who dis?' I texted back, seeing three dots appear almost instantaneously.

'Guess you're not as smart as I thought either.' Was the reply and I rolled my eyes. Jesus Christ, someone stick a shovel into my eyeball.

'Guess you're a bigger asshole than I thought.' I shot back, feeling as though I was stepping into dangerous territory by deciding to respond and continue the conversation with the mystery stranger.

"Wow, rude.' I rolled my eyes for the umpteenth time at that, typing two simple words before pocketing my phone along with the pack of cancer sticks.

'Fuck off.'

I could feel it vibrate once more, but to say I was bothered to take out my phone and check it again, would be a lie.

"Mom, I bought you something!" I announced, taking off my shoes and feeling the plush carpet under my feet as I entered the house. After leaving it on the counter top, I ran up the stairs, eager to be in the quiet isolation of my bedroom.

Locking the door, I immediately began to search for it, rustling through my drawers and even rummaging through the bathroom cabinets I snatched the object from where it sat and practically cradled it in my hands.

Opening my windows, I was hit with the cold breeze of the winter air. Taking a few of my blankets, I climbed out onto the roof and looked up at the night sky where I was met with little snowflakes that began to fall elegantly around me. Making myself a makeshift bed and cradling within the warmth of the fabrics that were tightly wrapped around my body, I clicked the lighter on and off, watching the bright orange flame dance, a contrast against the black sky.

Reaching into my pocket and pulling out the cigarette packet, I took one out and examined it.

Did I really want to?

No.

Maybe.

Yes.

Lighting it, I watched as the smoke rose, dissipating into the air. Taking a puff I held the smoke in, despite wanting to cough it out straight away, my lungs not yet accustomed to the toxicity, until I blew it out again in a deep breath, watching as the smokes mixed together and faded.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Doing it a few more times, I noticed my breathing start to slow as it made me feel... oddly calmer. Watching the stick grow smaller with every puff, I felt the strong urge to try something, so I did.

Rolling up the sleeves to my hoodie, I pressed the butt of the lit cigarette onto the exposed skin, wincing slightly, tears prickling my eyes and just watching as the flames went out. It had left a black, scarred mark on my skin but it felt good, in a weird twisted way I liked it.

I could hear the obnoxiously loud neighbours counting down the seconds together, happily awaiting to celebrate the arrival of 2017. Well here's to another shitty year ahead, I thought, raising an invisible glass as if to mock the common 'cheers'.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1

A crescendo of cheers and an explosion of fireworks lit up the sky, the bright colours painting the black canvas of the night. Laying back and suppressing a yawn, I watched as the colours dispersed into smoke, feeling more alone than I had been in years.

Flicking the cigarette stick out of my fingers and hearing a soft pat as it hit the ground below, a thought came to me before I drifted into slumber.

Number 4: Fall off the roof and crack my head on the concrete.

(a/n): wow  i'm really sorry for not updating in a long time 2 weeks wow. but I'm back and ready to write and there is so much I have planned like just... yeah  

umm happy new year : )