20 Ways To Kill Yourself ➳ Bullied By 5SOS

Chapter 23 - Pain

(A/N): kind of a sad chapter, so listen to this soundtrack on repeat while reading, it kinda gives more definition and just a deeper meaning 

When it came to the end of the day, normally people feel tired right? A sense of fatigue that forces them to drift off into the state of unconsciousness called sleep... A thing that everyone knows and loves.

Now if you're me, no matter how many times you try, you just can't get to sleep. I truly envied people that could fall asleep as soon as their head hit the pillow, practically within seconds. That took me 3 hours, 700 different sleeping positions and a sacrifice to god himself.

And even when I did fall into the graceful slumber, even the smallest sound would be enough to keep me awake, not from fright, but from the inability to fall back into the unconscious world.

But the sound I heard that kept me awake was not the light tapping of rain against my window, or the tick, tick, ticking of the clock on my wall, but from the sound of vomiting?

Rushing out of the warm comfort of my bed and running to the lit bathroom, I gasped at the sight of my brother kneeling over the toilet seat on the floor, puking his guts out. I immediately fell to my knees my hand rubbing his back as I attempted to comfort him with a useless string of "It's okay".

"Maya?" He panted, out of breath.

"It's okay, Ashton, it's me, I'm here." I comforted, helping him stand and flushing the toilet, instructing him to gargle and rid the taste of vomit that lingered still in his mouth.

Why was he suddenly feeling so sick?

He hadn't eaten for a while...

All of a sudden, he held his hand to his head desperately, screaming out in pain.

My heart was beating erratically, as he looked like a crazed figure, his hand constricting on his skull, his teeth clenching, gritted together so hard I feared they would shatter like glass.

He teetered slightly, completely unbalanced as if his feet had been replaced with two left ones instead.

My breathing increased rapidly as I realised what was happening.

Unexplained nausea.

Sudden migraines.

Losing balance.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

"Mom!" I yelled, one hand holding onto Ashton and one hand cupped around my mouth as I desperately shouted for mother. "Mom!"

Ashton held onto the sink, and I could feel him shaking under my touch, his breathing as erratic as my own. The contents atop the bathroom cabinet fell off as he bumped into it, toothbrushes, a roll of toothpaste and a hairbrush clattering to the ground as a dishevelled version of my mother rushed in, her eyes meeting the commotion of what lay in front of her.

"Ashton! Oh no, please, not again!" She panicked, rushing to her son whose hands clenched around his head and screams of pain left his mouth.

Not again? What did she mean by that?

Had this happened before?

"Mom, mom, please, call an ambulance!" I panted, confused but desperate as my voice shook and pain laced my tone as I watched my older brother writhe in pain on the ground while I was helpless to stop it.

She nodded, running somewhere in the house while I stayed with Ashton, putting my arm around him and whispering shit that I knew was useless.

"It's okay Ashton, It's going to be okay. I'm here. I'm right here. Shhh, It's okay Ashton. It's going to be okay." I didn't believe myself, but it seemed to calm him down as his screams became silenced to whimpers.

Mother was a flailing mess as she returned, tears running down her face. "My baby! Oh my baby, please!" She cried in urgency and pain for her son, embracing him as his eyelids were fluttering shut. "Please stay awake, please baby, please Ash." I leaned myself against the wall of the bathtub, my knees pulling into my chest as I cried softly to myself, the sounds of my mother's voice drifting as my mind concentrated on one thing. And that was my brother and the fact that he wasn't doing so well...

My mother's desperate attempts at keeping Ashton awake were futile and I sat hopelessly, confused and unsure of what to do in the corner of the bathroom, the air becoming almost suffocating. His eyes closed completely just as the deafening, ringing sounds of sirens advanced closer and closer, flashing lights filtering through the small window and flickering constantly, a dim red glow lighting the dark passage that led outside the bathroom.

Before I knew it, mother and I were sat in a hospital room, holding onto each of Ashton's hands as the doctors stabilised him, holding a respirator to his mouth while the slow but steady heart monitor beeped, the only sound in the drowning silence.

Mother sighed, rubbing her tears and sniffling. "Maya, there's something I need to tell you." She began. "A while ago something like this happened, while you were at school and at first I didn't want to believe it - I still don't want to believe it, but..." She trailed off and I sat back in my chair, exhaling heavily at the fact that they would keep something as important as Ashton's health a secret from me.

"Ashton has -"

"Brain cancer, I know." I cut mother off, saving her from revealing the painful truth, my head in my hands as my elbows leaned upright against my knees.

She looked at me funny, head tilted and eyebrows raised. "How do you know?"

"Corticosteroids. I saw the pills in his room the other day. I studied drugs used in cancer treatment and corticosteroids typically reduces swelling around tumours. But I was confused because I didn't know what kind of tumour it was until I saw the anticonvulsants. And those are used to prevent seizures." I explained, recalling the memory after I was sent to hospital myself and the day after when I snooped around Ashton's rooms and saw his unordinary tic tacs.

"Why didn't you just tell me?" I asked after silence fell upon us as we watched Ashton. His chest rose and fell at a steady rate and the heart monitor beeped at regular intervals, displaying a bradycardia ECG trace.

"You'd be devastated, and Ashton made me promise not to tell you anything." Mother revealed.

I looked at Ashton, shaking my head, a tear dripping down my face as I squeezed his hand lightly, wishing for anything in the world that would help him. 

(a/n): HE'S NOT DEAD I JUST WANT TO MAKE THAT CLEAR 

remember chapter 17 - secrets? when i asked you guys what she found in ashton's room... the tic tacs? yeah.....

dam.. this kinda made me sad :( 

so this QOTC is: what song do you play when you're sad? 

I like to play an OST

But anyway... things will be looking up in the next few chapters : ) 

so i'll see you next week 👋👋👋