20 Ways To Kill Yourself ➳ Bullied By 5SOS

Chapter 17 - Secrets

(Pre a/n): so before you start reading I just wanna offer you a massive apology. I'm really sorry for not updating in soooooo freaking long! Everything has just been a massive cluster fuck lately. Either I'm trying to understand maths, self teach English or catch up with biology revision, there is always something. I honestly love writing soooooo much and I love that you guys enjoy reading as much as I enjoy writing, it's just that there are too many things to do and too little hours in the day. Hope you guys understand and umm also I apologise if this is shit, slow, or both :(

It's been a few days since I got out from the hospital after being there for longer than I wished, needles prodding through my skin as my body was hooked to a machine that fed liquid nutrients into my malnourished, food deprived body as I sat there like a vegetable.

Naturally, mother and Ashton saw the black and blue discoloration on my body, the countless marks that peppered my skin and stood out like the black granite of a pencil on paper, some being bruises that I was gifted with by a couple assholes who belong at the very depths of the deepest ocean's, and the others being black scars I gave myself from diminishing the flames of my used cigarettes I found myself to be consuming on a nightly basis. Needless to say I was speechless when questioned and the two have yet to take their eyes off me....

Although, it seemed as though Ashton had become awfully distant, reserved from the rest of the world and cooped up in the solitude of his room where he spoke little and showed his face even less. The old, cheerful, talkative Ashton who never knew how to shut up seemed to have left, replaced by the shell of his skin that was filled now with silence.

Walking towards his room, I knocked slowly on his typically closed door, the barrier between the secrets he held behind and the outside world.

After no sound came from within and no confirmation was heard, I was still curious and very much worried for my older brother's health.

Gently tugging on the door handle and cringing as the creaking sound filtered through my ears, I tiptoe inside, hearing soft snores as my eyes casted toward his bed where I found him asleep. That confused me further, as it was late afternoon and he should be at work.

After looking around and seeing nothing out of the ordinary, apart from the sleeping boy who was like a mystery to my wondering mind, something on his desk drawer caught my eye.

Moving stealthily and feeling like batman, I sifted through the contents, I lifted the lid off the transparent box of tic tacs and saw a piece of paper lying underneath. I felt bad for poking my nose in places it shouldn't be, but my feelings of curiosity were greater.

I unfolded the documemt, realising it was a letter, and skimmed over the personal details of his like his name, date of birth and address. A gasp in a mixture of shock, concern and horror left my mouth as my eyes drifted over the printed words beneath.

I covered my mouth, almost feeling tears rush to my eyelids as I found the answers to my questions.

My heart rate sped up as i heard him mutter behind me, tossing but never awakening as i replaced the lid, and folded the letter I refused to believe was true, making sure that everything was back to its original place.

Those tic tacs… weren't ordinary tic tacs....

“Maya, there you are, what are you doing?” Practically jumping out of my skin and having a 3 second heart attack, I laughed nervously at my mother who stood there with a quizzical look on her features.

“I um, uhh was just uhh, hmm…” I trailed off, unsure of where I was going.

“I made you something.” She pointed towards the kitchen and I took a moment to observe the considerably noticeable lines on her forehead and bags that decorated the bottom of her eyes.

They weren't even normal bags from lack of sleep… they were designer michael kors bags…

When was the last time she slept? A large part of my pathetic being felt bad for putting her under so much stress, but I couldn't help it… I felt so fat to be eating, yet my stomach would growl otherwise. Every other hour mother would make sure I had something to eat. The doctors pointed out that my body was dangerously close to giving up due to a lack of food, but I couldn't see that.

They saw pointed ribs and wafer thin skin, but all I saw was lumps of fat and an ugly beast.

So I sat in the kitchen, picking at the food and feeling sick just at the sight of it. I was tempted, so tempted to throw it in the bin, or drown it down the sink, but I would feel much worse for wasting the very little energy I knew mother poured into me.

Not only are you a fat, useless cow, but you're a fucking sad excuse for a daughter…

My thoughts would taunt me as I sat alone, forcing myself to keep the small morsels down my throat.

The doctor said that I had to keep myself distracted as my body would reject the food, forcing it out of mouth as I had gone so long without it. So I had opted to keep myself preoccupied by sifting through the magazines and newspapers that lay on the counter, a huff leaving my mouth as all I saw were articles about the useless orange aka, Trump, and the endless fuckery he would continually push.

At the bottom of the pile I felt a pang hit my heart.

Bills, bills, payments due, loans, bills and debts, interest, fees and more money based documents. I could imagine my mother running her hands over her face in despair.

There was one revolving around Ashton, but as soon as I read the title, I excused to read further.

There was another revolving me, a warning about how I would soon be removed if my mother should fail to fulfill payment on time again.

I needed college.

Ask anyone their dream and they'll have something amazingly ambitious.

Ask me and I'll say I want a maths degree.

I needed to get a job so I could get the hell out of here.

I didn't want to be a no one who lives in their mom’s basement.

I wanted to make something of myself somewhere in the world.

It's time to leave this old black and white town.

(A/N): had to add that awesome lyric right there

What's up with Ash? Let me know your thoughts, why is he acting sketchy, what did Maya see that almost caused her to burst into tears for her dear older brother?

big things happening soon, big things

I have ideas and I just need to get them all out!

But all things take time is what I tell myself

So again I apologise if these chapters are sllllllooooooooowwwwwww

QOTC: (QUESTION OF THIS CHAPTER) -- I'm bringing these back bc I haven't done one in aaagggggeeeeeessssss. You'll get what I mean if you've read my other fanfic “illegal”

Psssttt

Speaking of which…

I think you should go read that if you haven't already…

Is this just a selfish excuse for some self promotion?

No

Maybe

Yes

ANYWAY QOTC: IF YOU COULD MAKE ANYTHING OUT OF YOURSELF, WHO WOULD YOU IMAGINE FUTURE YOU TO BE?

i would open up my own cafe. As stupid/ridiculous as it sounds, it's been a lifelong dream of mine.

There's no limits, ‘no dream is too big and no dreamer is too small’

Anyway hopefully I'll see you guys next week! Love ya :*