20 Ways To Kill Yourself ➳ Bullied By 5SOS

Chapter 46 - Lacerations

(a/n): i miss putting up a song at the start of every chapter bc i was so busy to hunt for a good one but imagine dragons is fucking life and this song fits shamazingly well. 

"Maya, hurry. Maya, please..." Ashton's voice drifted away as my eyes started to open. I sat up in my bed, back in my own room, back in my own house. I tiredly rubbed my eyes as I had another dream about my brother.

It's like I could constantly hear his voice in my head.

But it had been just over a week since he died and the only thing I could feel was a dulling numbness. Dragging myself over to the bathroom, the first thing I was met with was my reflection in the mirror.

My eyes were consumed with a blackness.

My cheeks were sunken in.

My lips were set into a permanent frown as I feared I'd never have the strength to smile again.

To put it simply, I looked like death.

Truthfully I felt as though I was having a midlife crisis despite the fact that I was only 18.

I didn't know what to do with myself. I had no clear direction of where to go, no idea what to do...

Mom... Ashton... If only you were here...

The frown on my face set deeper on my lips as I felt a lump growing in my throat. My eyes crinkled at the sides and I sniffled, silent tears beginning to drip, drip, drip down my face and onto the bathroom floor.

My sadness quickly transformed itself, taking the form of anger. I slammed my fists against my temples and shook violently. I screamed out and sobbed harder and harder with each stream of tears that fell.

Flailing my arms around, I knocked off the bottles and tubes that sat on the edge of the sink and each of them clattered harshly to the floor.

I choked up my sobs and gazed at myself in the mirror.

And I couldn't help but blame myself.

It was my fault Ashton was dead. Maybe if I got there in time...

It was my fault my mother was dead. Maybe if I managed to stop my father...

It was my fault that all my friends had turned against me. Maybe if I hadn't killed Hayley...

And it was my fault that Hayley was dead. Maybe I shouldn't have made so many mistakes.

Everywhere I turned, I was faced with death. But unfortunately I was still living.

I was the only one still breathing.

Maybe I shouldn't be.

Maybe what he said to me all that time ago, maybe he was right.

Although he apologised and cared for me and took me in, maybe there was some truth in his words.

Michael - come to think of it, he wasn't here when I needed him the most.

There was no one here when I needed someone the most.

Nobody but my pathetic self -

I didn't know what to do. So I just screamed.

I screamed from the top of my lungs.

I screamed so loud that it left an ache in my throat.

And I tugged on my hair so hard that I could feel the strands tangling in my hand and pulling off my scalp.

I looked once more at my disgusting appearance before shattering the mirror with my fist. I threw my balled fist into the glass and watched it shatter, shards littering over the sink and crashing onto the floor.

Then all was quiet, the silence almost deafening.

I bent down and sat leaning against the floor, observing the mess. Flicking through the broken shards I picked up the biggest one.

I ran the pad of my thumb over it, the sharpness prickling my skin. I winced slightly, watching the bright crimson of my blood trickle down my hand.

I pressed harder.

The frown on my face replaced itself with a twisted smile as I ran the glass down my arm.

I dug in deep to the veins on my arm, my breathing heavy but a laughter escaping my crazed, psychotic being.

One.

Two.

Three.

I sliced my arm, each laceration cutting deeper and deeper through my skin until I lost count.

All I knew in that moment was that I enjoyed it. And I very much enjoyed marvelling over the thought that lingered in my mind.

Number 14: Slice the skin off my neck and bleed out until I feel nothing. 

(a/n): so eerrrrrrrrr 

she's lost her mind... 

so today's QOTC is: have you ever lost anything so valuable to you?

i lost my sanity ages ago : )