Here I Stand (BWWM) (AMBW) [COMPLETED]

Chapter three: Violet

Violet's photo

Isa's pov

Some days the
memories
still knock the wind
out of me...

I met Violet at my University, it was before a meeting with my therapist. Usually it was just the two of us because, we would schedule our appointment during spring break, but one day entering my therapist's studio I saw her waiting.

She had long brown hair, and little green eyes. Oh, those eyes that told me everything and nothing at the same time, that urged me to know the girl, that pleaded to keep secrets her demons, but at the same time smiles as if nothing happened. Once my session started I asked my therapist who was she, she told me to try to get to know her, that she would need a friend. So I did, it wasn't easy though: despite her being always at the campus even during the break or holidays, just like me, she had built a wall in order not to get hurt.
After a few months, we became friends.

Just then I asked her about the cuts on her wrist and she smiled at me as if she had been waiting for someone to ask her about them. "Sometimes it hurts to the point I think I do, after all deserve it..." she giggled bitterly, "Not only not having a family, but also the fact that once I find one they either hurt me or I get tired to try...". I was amazed by everything about her. "Can we do it together?" I questioned her "What?" "Hurt, laugh, complain, bleed, feel, cry, hope, can we?" I kept going "Finally" she cried hugging me.

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"I have cancer..." she blurted out, surprising me, me being myself I thought, I hoped, and prayed it was a joke "I have chronic myeloid leukaemia" she specified keeping her gaze on me. Violet was calm, as she waited me to react; knowing my history with cancer aka all the people that cancer killed in my life, she gave me some time. Once I stopped hyperventilating, I started to talk "Well, there are man-" "I'd like to travel..." she interrupted me cautiously. "I'm still young, and there's so much for me to see. I want to go to Australia, China, India..." she kept going. In that moment I felt helpless as, she ,Violet, was okay with it, was okay with the fact that she was going to die. When I realised that I smiled at her, wept my tears and held her tight to my chest. Internally laughing from despair, for I had no more tears to pour.

To give up on someone that is still alive must be one of the hardest things ever, contrary to what people may think, or I still had major issues relating with loss.
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"Ah!" I shouted excited buckling myself up in the airplane. This had been my dream since I was 12 years old so being able to realize it was awesome.
After a 18 hours flight we arrived, luckily our hotel was only 30 minutes far from the airport. We checked in at the hotel, "Shall we go for a walk?" suggested Rajiv "No, let's take a nap we have to be at the orphanage at about five" I yawned taking off my glasses.
I couldn't sleep well, because of the excitement and ended up looking for some traditional foods market around us.

"Come on Rajiv, it's time to go!" I clapped laughing "Ok, ok I'm up..." he muttered pretending to be annoyed.

It took us about fifteen minutes to get toí the orphanage, "Ciao bella..." (hello beautiful) said a girl approaching me, her scent making my muscles relax, my eyes fill with tears :Violet seeing me "Ciao" (hello) I told her hugging her afraid she might escape again, afterwards Rajiv had greeted her, we went inside so that the social workers would give me my daughter's belongings' and say goodbye to her ex caretakers, Violet looked at me smiling ear to ear, "Should I call you mama, now?" She joked happily, holding my hand.

"Here she is" the orphan director began handing me my baby. She was simply beautiful, her black hair, her tiny fist and nose. "She's so cute, and little and. " " ...Yours" reminded me Violet. I, then signed up all the documents and after an hour we were done, she cried a little when I picked her up, then got tired, and way too hot. "It's okay" I reassured her tilting her bottle filled with water in her mouth, I then wiped away her tears and her sweat, and rocked as she calmed down.

My daughter's name Adaline Quy (precious) Thompson.

Before going I gave the orphanage some supplies for the babies. Once we arrived at the hotel I gave Adeline her bottle, then Rajiv stole her in order to play with her, while me and Violet were catching up with our latest news.

Suddenly, Violet got up heading towards the bathroom, "Is everything okay?" I questioned worried after a while, "Violet??" I kept calling out for her, but she didn't answer me, so I decided to enter...

What I saw, was something I wasn't prepared for, something that hit me so hard, and unexpectedly that I felt myself going insane. There was blood everywhere in the mirror, on Violet's shoes, shirt, hands and face. "It won't stop..." sobbed Violet mortified. I regained my hands control and hurried by her side with towels and tissue, " Sorry, look at this mess" "let me do it" she persisted taking the towels from my hands, I scolded her with my look and sobbed "I got it. You know the constant feeling of hope you have, when something bad happens, the dream of everything turning as you wish, and no one getting hurt? Well, it's that feeling that kept me sane but at the same time killed me, when I realized it's just a .... Foolish fantasy.

Rajiv felt the tension and stepped outside leaving Adaline with me and Violet. When Violet was done with the shower, got dressed, exited the bathroom smiling as if nothing had happened, as if she had not lost weight, and her face had acquired a darkish, pale colour "You're dying..." I sobbed angrily "I am" she confirmed taking my hand. Watching her eyes once bright green slowly turning grey was the most excruciating torture ever, "Don't cry, you are gonna make me cry too" she mumbled. "Does it hurt?" I dared to ask her "Not so much" she lied, "When did you get so good at lying?" I smiled to her knowing she never was a good liar.

"Look at you, you've lost so much weight, are you eating?" "Yes, mum I am, it's just that I missed your plates" she complained giggling. We looked at each other in silent for a while "Are you still a virgin?", I nodded "Do you plan on getting married?" she inquired "No, I have Adaline now I don't need anything else" I explained.

"I have a fuck buddy, his name is Charles he is kind and calm, he sings to me when I am tired. And he also read me my favourite books when I am sad..." Violet told me "And the sex is so -" "Ok, I get it, stop" I interrupted her laughing. From that last sentence I was able to see her, my best friend, in all that pain, and sadness, beyond her diagnosis, I saw her and that gave peace.

I needed her... Through this new adventure, and I knew she could not be with me but in that moment, those weeks, those seconds, I wanted her to stick with me, as she laid next to me, I felt complete and safe.

Once Adaline was up, I just stared at her while playing with her, she still did not seem real, she would glance at me, and whenever our eyes met, she would giggle. She was quite petite for her age, but that was not something I was too concerned about as I would have her on her more nutritional meal plan. She would stare at me for long periods of times, then put her hands on me, reaching for some contact, which I gladly granted.

I silently took in her scent, for the thousandth time, while feeding her some snacks, the clothes I had bought for her were too big for her, so I dressed her with white shirts that I had bought in case that would have happened.
"Bella di mamma" (Mommy's beauty- referred to Adaline).

"You are going to be great, even without me" Violet whispered the last part, that in a matter of seconds had me tearing up. I wanted to object, except that I couldn't.