Here I Stand (BWWM) (AMBW) [COMPLETED]

Chapter fifty-five : I will tell you about it... someday

Isa's pov

"Ezra was running a slight fever, he was being fussy so they are bringing both, him and Adaline home" I notified Rajiv standing up, I went to pump knowing it would be a long night, Ezra being as dramatic as me would literally pretend to choke during our feedings with his bottle. Once they arrived, Adaline was still sleeping so Rajiv just brought her to her room, Ezra instead was up and unusually unhappy.

Rajiv ran a bath for him, while I undressed him he wailed "Mamma Mia, chi è che ti ha fatto la bua? (Who hurt you?)" He babbled something, "The bath is ready" whispered Rajiv coming from the bathroom, he measured his fever and registered in the notebook regarding my children health that I kept.

"I'm going to buy a fever reducer" he said kissing my cheek and leaving, I gave Ezra a bath, put lotion on him but failed to dress him in his jammies, leaving him in his diaper.

After 15 minutes of trying to entertain him, with toys and books, Rajiv finally came back, "What took you so long?" "Sorry" he said picking up Bubba, "I bought you some breast pads, and some ice packs also". The pleasant surprise I felt was enough to make me hug him despise the discomfort I was in.

"Grazie mille" (thank) I smiled, "You're welcome" muttered as he took Ezra temperature again, I registered along with the time, we gave him the fever reducer and tried once again to put him to sleep, since he was sick and we would eventually check on him during the night we decided to make him sleep with me, along with Rajiv to take turns more easily.

"Bubba come here" I encouraged him laying in my bed exhausted, he brought his fist to his mouth signaling "eat", "Wow, when did he learn the sign language? He is a genius" exclaimed Rajiv, observing him while brushing his teeth, once he was done he turned off the light leaving only one lamp and joined us in the bed.

Ezra giggled as Rajiv tickled his belly, and laid him by my side, once he was settled in, I was able to feed him, Rajiv laughed after seeing how calm he had gotten as he ate, "Perché ridi? (Why are laughing?)" "He is just like you with food, you get so irritable when you don't eat" he explained.

Now, that was true but saying it like that almost made me upset, "Can I ask you something?" Rajiv hesitated, "Go ahead" "What's with you and adoption?" I kept silence for few seconds blowing on Ezra who couldn't stand like me being hot. "I don't know, I love kids and most of the times is like I can feel their need for someone, to love them, cherish them, and nurture them, and I want to be that person for few if I can, and I also love kids" I concluded.

Rajiv turned my face towards him to steal a kiss from my lips, "What was that for?" I questioned kissing him back, Rajiv kept silence embracing my body from the back, feeling the movement Ezra raised his head and latched to my nipple scared I would stop feeding him, "Should I stop breastfeeding?" I said looking at Ezra perfect latch and mandibular movements, "If you want to yeah, we can slowly decrease the times you breastfeed him and whine him out completely, whenever you're ready" "To tell you the truth I didn't even want to breastfeeding" Rajiv kept silence, allowing to elaborate or not if I wanted.

"I wasn't ready to have a baby, I wasn't ready to give up my body figure, let alone everything about being a mother of two. I felt so wronged, to have to give up some things, I knew what I wanted from the moment I found out I was pregnant, but then I told Aaron, he purposely pressured me, as you know we had broke up at the time, but thanks to my pregnancy I felt like our relationship status had been ignored just because of it, and as you know if there's something I hate to the point that it scares me in pretty much every nightmare I ever had, is to be pushed around. For that reason I usually am good at voicing my opinion and standing on them"

"I felt angry and helpless and sad all the time, my family knew, we had to get married, and in the midst of everything Jaden was born, few hours after his birth, a nurse brought him in to be fed, and even though I didn't want, I did it because I felt guilty towards him, he was innocent yet I felt so deeply upset at the happenings that had brought him to me. As he latched onto my nipples for the first time, he was so good at it, his latch was just..." At that point I was laughing and crying simultaneously.

"His mandibular circular movements were one of the most perfect things I had ever seen. Since I was little I used to this thing that whenever I had something I really liked, I just kept staring at it till I unwillingly noticed a scratch, or some kind of imperfection, but with him as I watched him and his paced movements, his little hands scrunched in a fist, and his little eyes too lazy to open, yet too curious to stay closed, I felt my anger subside, I felt that even be breastfeeding him the only perfect thing I will ever do in raising him, I wanted to do it, I was somehow okay with that further sacrifice, and that's how we got here".

Ezra had officially signed out for the day , so I closed my breastfeeding bra, Rajiv kissed my cheek, as I turned to him, he cupped my face "You did an amazing job, I am so proud of you... Whatever decision you will make, I am sure it will be the best for the both"

Rajiv's pov

I was kind of nervous when I heard Ezra had a slight fever, yes we were doctors but that in such case meant we were aware as to what outcome we could have with a high fever, and what disease, or infection that was symptoms of.

After tucking in Adaline, I ran a bath for him who was unusually bothered and sad, "the bath is ready" I announced standing, I took his temperature and registered along with the date, I then headed to the nearest pharmacy to buy a fever reducer, but it was closed so I headed for another one, once there I took me five minutes to choose from which medicine to buy, since I was there I bought some breastfeeding pads, for Isa.

After some others ordeals, among which pupils reactivity check, temperature check, stool check, and breathing, we finally managed to get him to bed, as Isa looked at him she unloaded a huge part of how she had been feeling about Ezra and all that led to his birth, being Isa the type of person who thinks "This is going to hurt someone as much as it hurt me , I will keep it to myself then". She rarely revealed what was truly on her mind, but the fact that she did made me feel honoured.

Ezra woke up several times, whining just to eat and to be rocked, I think it was 3 a.m, when the kid last got up, at last he seemed to be okay again, his saliva dripping on the shirt I had changed for the fourth time after he had thrown up on me, he tapped with vigour on my chest, babbling away his intentions of keeping me awake for yet another 30 minutes.

And he did so, I was content with it though, his temperature had gone back to normal, and his lethargy had gone away.

Despite having being friends, for what I like to define -long time – there were still boxes in both of our hearts, that we either hesitated to open or were just not ready to share, much like when in schools you are the timid kid, or just don't feel like talking, and the teacher asks a question, obviously ignores every raised arm to land on you, it sets you off, you get annoyed and defensive.