Here I Stand (BWWM) (AMBW) [COMPLETED]

Chapter eight: Relapse

relapse

Definitions
1. Return of the manifestations of a disease after an interval of improvement.

Isa's pov

The day came to an end and another day after came along.

First thing in the morning I turned on my smartphone and started to read my email while Adaline was still asleep. While going through my emails I read one labelled as important, it was from the hospital it said, that in order to get the permission to operate again I had to see a specialist, that could guarantee​ I was able to do so.

Two weeks later

After dropping Adaline to day-care I rushed to the hospital. Knocking on his studio's door made my hands sweat already, which was very strange for me.
Entering the room I was hit by a mixture of smells, among I was able to recognize only one an old library's. "Come on in, you must be..." "...Isa Thompson" paused him in order to read my name in a file "Yes, that's me" I cracked nervous.

We sat and Dr. Ferguson started to ask me some questions, "Here in your file there's written that you've gone through a kind of trauma that requires, somebody like me to determine if you're enough mentally stable to do your job. Now I'm gonna start with some questions, if you don't feel like answering it's okay" said getting comfortable in his armchair. "What happened exactly?" "One of my dearest friend died, she died from cancer"

"How do you feel?" "I know this question is purely provocative, but I'm gonna answer you anyway. I felt deeply shaken at first, that kind of feeling you have when you found out that the person who you thought was your dad, isn't your dad. Then I anxious to a point where I couldn't sleep well at night, for in the morning I would have waited for her to wake me up by hitting me with pillows as always. Now I don't know exactly what it is, that I'm feeling, I know tough that whatever it's, it'll pass, the anger, sadness, feeling of loneliness. It'll all pass, except for the pain that one, will last a lifetime during which it'll help you remember how amazing to be alive it's". After those words, everything seemed so clear to him," You talk as this wasn't the first time..." he inquired
"It's not. Let's just say I got used to it, the process is pretty much the same" I answered sincerely.
"I don't think there are any other things for me to question you about, so you may go" concluded Dr. Ferguson.
As I was going out, I bumped into Aaron "Sorry" I rushed out without making eye-contact, I felt too shy to talk to him.

"What happened? You seem nervous..." asked Rajiv through a skype session, he had gone away for a while to stay with his aunt, as she was sick and neede help with her restaurant; "he kissed... me, I mean my cheek, but does that really count" I confessed "What?!" "You heard right, my mind was clouded, and he was there, and it felt... no, nothing" I murmured, "Oh my gosh! Are you serious?" he shouted losing his calm, "This is all your fault, if you hadn't told him to check on me, this wouldn't have happened" I scoffed angry. "So, now what?" "I don't know, I think I'll just keep avoiding him".

After a while I stopped thinking about it and focused myself on Adaline. She was always my main focus "Can you say mamma?" I asked her putting away her binkie, "Omma" she blurted out "Good job" I complimented her kissing her, in a matter of a month, she had gained weight, and reached major milestones for babies her age, I was so proud.

The following morning I got Adaline ready first, then myself, biggest mistake I have made as a first time mom, she had a blow out in her diaper, and I had to bathe her dress her again, as I picked her up realising what had happened she smiled cheekily "Ridi, ridi che mamma ha fatto gli gnocchi" (you better laugh, mom made gnocchi). I left her at day-care and went to the hospital. "Good morning" greeted me Aaron, not knowing how I should behave, I awkwardly nodded and went for my rounds, "Are you avoiding me?" asked Aaron blocking my way "No, why?" I asked "You're lying, if it's about the kiss I'm sorry" he apologised "No, there's no need to do that. I just don't think it was good idea" I hesitated "You didn't like it, did you?" "No, I liked it. It's just I was not myself and considering my friend just died it seemed inappropriate and I wouldn't want you to misunderstand" "Oh, I see" he said disappointed, "We can still be friends, if you want" I consoled him "Yeah, that would be great". After that we didn't get to see each other that much because of our busy schedules.

"Adaline, look who's back!" I said excited "It's uncle Rajiv, can you say Rajiv?" beamed Rajiv picking her up, "You're all grown up. Look at you" praised Rajiv happy to see her " How is your aunt doing?" I asked taking his luggage, "She's better now, thanks" he reassured me. We then sat in a comfortable silence, only Adaline cooing could be heard. "So Aaron kissed you eh..." broke the silence Rajiv. In that instant I knew what he was trying to do, he was trying to make me feel ok about romantic relationships. Unfortunately it was useless I had already decided that I would not date anyone for my sake, and Adaline's. "He seems a good guy..." dared Rajiv scared of my reaction, "I'm sure he is, but I really don't want to date him" I concluded standing "Come here, let's change your dirty nappy" I said to Adaline, succeeding in changing the subject.

The following day I assisted to a tumour removal surgery on a eleven years old boy, he had Hepatocellular Carcinoma (HCC).

When we opened him up, we saw that the cancers cells had spread, near the lungs, anyway we tried to remove as much as we could. After the surgery he got admitted in ICU, while I was checking on him I couldn't help to notice his chapped and dried lips, and his once chunky cheeks now absent to the point that I could see his cheekbones.

With that the thought of Violet distorted my reality, I then choked on the air as if her smell, Violet's smell, could still be felt. I started to run towards the restroom as I could feel the bile coming up, reaching the toilet I started puking. The picture of her chapped lips, her skinny body, and her bitter smile came to my mind, as if I was trying to remember despite all the pain it caused me. Once I was calm, I washed my hands, my mouth and my face, staring at myself in the mirror I could see it, not only feel it, my demons screaming and shouting to be freed; but as always I put on a smile, wept away my tears and repeated to myself "You're okay", a white lie, I would call it, like a promise that I am soon gonna be just fine.

While getting out I bumped into Aaron "Are you feeling alright? You look pale" he asked getting closer to me " I'm fine..." I sniffed letting my braids cover my face. I was about to leave when he stopped me "I'd like... I'd like to have chat with you" he notified me, trying to make eye contact, "I'm busy" I whispered.

Later that day I had I break so I went to the "Call In" room and laid in one of the bed. After a while I heard the door opening, as instinct I got up, it was Aaron. He didn't say anything, he just hugged me tight, "What are you doing?". I had never been hugged that way, initially I tried to fight him off, but eventually I gave in. "What are you doing?" I sobbed distancing myself after a while "I'm relieving your pain" he answered "I'm not in pain" I objected. He just nodded and wept away my tears "I know you are not" said Aaron calm. I had been telling to myself and others I was okay so much, that I couldn't bring myself to say I wasn't, as if it was a crime not being okay. I kept my eyes on the ceiling while waiting for him to go, so that he would not see me cry.