Here I Stand (BWWM) (AMBW) [COMPLETED]

Chapter seven: T is for Trauma

**And more

than anything else

in the world

I admire the way you carry your pain,

even the air

around you stills,

humbled by

your bravery

and your grace.

Nikita Gill**

Isa's pov

Before I knew it, the subtle comfort of the night with its darkness faded away, as the sun's light invaded my room persuading me to get up, when I finally did, I noticed Adaline was awake, playing silently in her crib. Once she noticed I was awake she started gurgling trying to catch my attention, "Hi, baby. Did you have a nice nap?" I said with a high pitched voice, Adaline as a answer clapped excited, I was cranky, I had woken up, one hour, two hours and even three hours before my alarm, and no matter what excuse I found myself inventing to get up, deep down I was looking for her: Violet. As soon as I picked Adalin up she crushed on my shoulder, her wanting to cuddle washed away all my crankiness. While I was feeding her, she kept staring my face with a strangely reassuring expression. "You're such a good girl, you finished your bottle" I clapped.

I then left her on the baby mat to get ready to go to the hospital. After having a shower, getting dressed and dressing Addy, I put her in the baby carrier, grabbed her diaper bag and got out.

"Ms. Thompson I thought you were on leave..." stopped Aaron as soon as he saw me "I am, I was just going to return my patients' charts and then leave" I notified him bouncing to keep Adaline calm. "Okay, then see you this evening" he concluded going away, I was about to ask him what he was referring to, but Adaline got fussy. "Okay, okay mummy is sorry. Let's go" I apologized.

Before going home we stopped at the grocery store to buy a few things, while I was there I got a message from Rajiv saying that Aaron was in charge of helping me keep up with my patients, I was rather taken aback by the fact that he had chosen him, out of all our colleagues left me feeling confused, Rajiv knew how uncomfortable I often felt around males that were not my family or him.

I went to visit my mother's graves and also Violet's, "Mamma ti presento Adaline" (Mom I introduce you Adaline), "She is 7 months, loves cuddles, and babbling"

I wanted to get used to it, the longing sensation that tried to tear me apart completely, but I couldn't or better I did not want to, it was the only thing preventing me from forgetting her. There was nothing normal about the situation, despite how common deaths are, especially in my line of work; the subtle normalisation of Violet not being with me, or in this world each second of every day, threatened to end me.

"The living must go on" people say, and instantly that living seems like a burden, or better the fact that we have to go on, without our loved ones, itself is a burden that some of us sometimes choose not to carry.

I found playing with Adaline to be very helpful, to get my mind off Violet's death, until she took a nap, leaving me all alone with my big and scary emotions.

By the time I got home fed Adaline and got the dinner ready, it was already late. I thought that Aaron couldn't make it so I had gotten comfy and all. "Isa, it's me" Aaron half-shouted, from the hallway "Hi, I thought you weren't going to come anymore.." I yawned, "Yes, sorry about that. I got held up at the hospital" he explained coming in. "Hmm... How are you feeling today?" Aaron hesitated "I'm fine, thanks. Anyways you don't need to check on me, I know Rajiv probably told you to do so, but there's no need".

"So it doesn't hurt any longer, right?" he kept going, "I would lie if I said it doesn't, but after all this time I got used to it, it still hurts, it always will, but after some time it won't be so acute like now". "You sound like this isn't your first time..." "It's not...but sometimes I wish it was... I wish for the pain to add itself to the shock, I wish for that feeling of déjà-vu to stop..." without noticing I kept going, then suddenly I felt something soft touching my cheek where a tear had fallen, I then turned to see that it was Aaron's hand, before I could say anything Aaron close the distance between the two of us and gently kissed my cheek. As I turned towards him to face him, his lips attacked mines.

I instantly felt all my bitterness fade away, for that kiss's sweetness. "I don't think this is a good idea" I murmured, "Sorry... I didn't mean to... I'd better go now" he apologized standing, he then took his jacket and got out.

Do you know the feeling of your stomach twisting, whenever you're watch a kissing scene in tv, I felt like that, and addicting at the same time.

I instantly felt bad about kissing him, because of Violet's death, what would she think?? I scolded myself, then I remembered her, her sassy attitude, her confident behaviour and concluded she would say you better f**k with him, before someone else will, you won't die as a virgin not on my watch.

That brought a smile to my lips, that's when I realized something very important: the most dangerous thing about traumas, is they're unpredictable, or better our response to them is unpredictable. Some will apparently be okay and collapse seconds later, others will show signs of it, but may actually be okay.

Okay, with the fact that is just how life goes, okay with the idea of feeling helpless, and depressed because at the end, everything will be alright. Not because it always does, but because people need to believe in something that is gonna get them out of their beds and make the world a better place

In that case grief clouded my mind and the kiss was like something that had taken something off Violet's death, therefore I did not think it to be a good idea, like when you are drunk and with your best friend crying 'cause you just broke up, with your partner, and end up kissing them.

For the rest of the day I did not think about Violet's death; as I was too busy cringing at my reckless and unprofessional action, I was not the type to mix, work and my personal life, despite my ethic I had to admit I had liked it, being kissed. Did I imagine that behind that was actually something else? Absolutely no, in my mind there was no chance, nor space I would be willing to give for a romantic relationship, but life does not always go as you wish...