Here I Stand (BWWM) (AMBW) [COMPLETED]

Chapter six: Knock, Knock Get the Door it's Depression

Isa's pov

Whenever I felt fed up with sh*t, or simply tired to endure everything, I go in this "place", I call it "dark room". It's a state of mind during which I let go... I let go of every hurt and wrongdoing, that has been done to me. People like me do it, to survive, I used to keep everything bottled up till one day, it's just too much to bare. I was tired... not that type of tiredness that passes when you sleep, no. I was emotionally tired, I also wanted to get some sleep but I couldn't for all I could dream about was how all this pain I'm bearing, one day will destroy me.

As foolish as it may seem in that type of occasion I thought what my mother once told me true might be true, she said "Things like that happen to people like you as punishment of being such". At first her word scarred my life in every potential way, but after some time I realized it wasn't true: bad things happen to everyone, it's just how life works.

I sat on the floor, near Aaron who had already fallen asleep, played some music from my pc, so that my demons at least for that one night wouldn't have come for me. In the morning I was awaken by the sound of Adaline babbling, which made me smile.

"Hi there" I picked her up and kissed her, getting up I started to look for Aaron " He just left" said Rajiv sipping some tea.

I strangely felt disappointed, maybe because he had stayed, without saying anything, without trying to soothe my pain, without trying to understand my grief, he just stayed, but then again he fell asleep on me, which wasn't great, but it was definitely better than talking about what I was feeling.

"How are you feeling?" dared to ask me Rajiv "Like someone who thinks, she just had a nightmare in which you find yourself alone in a cold and scary world, but then she wakes up and find out it wasn't a nightmare. Like someone who still thinks that entering a room will find her best friend still sleeping with her hair all over her face and some slime coming out of her mouth. So yeah, I'm more than fine" I said sarcastically, "Seeing as you're using sarcasm, you're almost back to your usual self" he acknowledged, glad. I apologized regretting what I had said, he too had lost her, the thing about grief is that is also selfish, while feeling mine I fail to consider yours as well.

"I thought about it and even talked with the Chief, she agreed with me saying that you should probably, stay home for a while, after Violet's death I think you should just..." "What?!?!" I shouted angry, "Why would you do something like that? I'm fine" I argued "Violet died, it's okay not to be fine". I was cutting some apples for Adaline while talking to Rajiv and before I knew it I had cut myself, as I watched the blood coming out of the wound, I felt myself getting together, unlike Violet's death there was nothing really painful in that cut.

For I knew once it would have healed it would have been forever, on the other hand I knew Violet's death would have kept hurting forever.

I didn't want to argue with him so I just let him be.

Two weeks later we had Violet's funeral, there were lilies everywhere, she liked them. At the funeral there was just me, Rajiv, Adaline and Charles. As soon as we buried her the sky was torn apart by a loud lightning.

As if it hurt the world letting her go, " She wanted me to give you this" smiled bitterly Charles handing me a box.

Later Rajiv had to go to work, knowing him, this is how he used to cope with a loss, he would get busy and eventually by the time he lowered his load the pain would have come to a level he managed to cope with.

So I found myself alone with Adaline, grabbing the box I inhaled her scent, rain, tea and salty tears.

There was a big diary full of photos, and a letter. Not being able to deal with all of those memories in that moment I put the box under my bed. I sincerely did not want to fall in the trap that was depression, but I find it is a monster that creeps on your past or present traumas, to feed on you, therefore everything I could do is go on, trying  not to have an existential crisis, in my attempt.

I tried to focus on Adaline, went to see movies, tried to teach Adaline to walk, lifted weights, read, exercised my surgical suture, studied some baby books, cooked and lastly but most important gave myself time to grieve, which was more difficult said than done.

As the pain hit me whenever I was doing something, making me sorrowful and demotivated, in cases like those I would force myself to keep going, not to lose interest and will to do anything. When needed I would approach Rajiv and mutter "I am having a hard time", he would leave everything he was doing and hold me, till my pieces had fallen back on place, "You did good" or "Cry, if you want" his voice trembling as he did so.

The thing about me is that I am a high functioning kind of depressed. What? Is that even a thing? Well if not, I am officially making it one: it basically means that even though I lack will to do anything, I still carry out doing everything I need to, and smile and laugh and act basically... Nobody would know therefore that underneath I am a mess.

There was not and never will be a way through which we won't feel the need to just cry, but there were many ways through which we could avoid crying and feeling bad became our sole actions.

While I did felt guilty about crying, with Adaline near, I understood that it had nothing to do with her seeing me cry and everything with I am totally able to mess her up - fear. Then I looked at her again, Aas she reached to steal my glasses once again, "Ma io cos'è che devo fare cona una pannocchia così buona?" ( What am I to do with such a delicious, bread loaf?) I kissed her small hands diverting them from their next victim.

"Ti posso mangiare?" I asked wiping away my tears (Can I eat you?) Adaline giggled staring at my expression changing while I talked to her.