At the Strand of Nightmares

I'm Still Standing

Good News: I got into music school, and I also got the music scholarship which will completely cover the rest of my college tuition!

Whoop! I've got a full ride, baby...

Also, I'm getting some help with my wrist this Thursday, and in the meantime I'll be wearing this swanky getup:

Wrist guard... how fun...

Oh, well. Whatever helps, amirite?

I've come to an important realization, too.

Even if my hand were to be permanently ruined (which it isn't), it really doesn't matter, anyways.

See, the music never came from my hands.

Actually, it's not really coming from the physical body at all.

It's what's in the heart, the mind.... the soul.

Therefore, even if I could never be some Rachmaninoff-level pianist (I CAN STILL DREAM, THOUGH, BITCH.), I still have the ability to express myself.

I can write music.... I hear it in my mind all the time... I write it down, and from that point forward it doesn't even matter who's playing it...

The music never came from me, the pianist who plays it, or whomever.... it exists within itself. As musicians and composers, we are merely the way the music chooses to come forth.

No matter what happens, nothing can take the music from my soul.

Nothing will stop me from sharing said music with the world, either.

In other news: I've decided that I am going to obtain a doctorate in music for a few reasons:

1. I love learning about music that fucking much that I want to spend the next eight years doing nothing but that.
2. It gives me the chance to take the composition courses I so desperately want to take... WITHOUT ANY MATERNAL DISPLEASURE
3. I could become a professor in a university so I could.... you know.... have a steady, well-paying job that I can do, because TBH composition won't pay the bills.
4. OR I could obtain the necessary skill level of becoming a concert pianist.
5. And I'll also have a fucking doctorate, which is SO COOL.
6. I'll have a very respectable degree, which is a nice way of flipping the bird to every single person that's ever made me feel lesser because I wanted to study music.

Basically, this is the perfect way of making myself and everyone around me happy....

It's a win win win situation 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻

______
About the eating disorder stuff:

My dad finally put two and two together of what was going on, and he basically told me to get my shit together or else I'm going to be put away.

So.... pressure.

Also, he reminded me that poor diet is probably contributing to my wrist being so bad, so that low-key shook me up a bit.

Therefore, I think I'll just suck it up and try to eat as normal as possible.... whatever I need to do to play normally again, I'll do.

(This probably sounds like the most backwards way of resolving my mental issues with food, but trust me, I think this is going to work)

Anyways, I'm feeling pretty good and pretty hopeful.

I'm ending with my cute af cat: