At the Strand of Nightmares

Haha what am i fucking doing

Current Listening Pleasure: U2's Boy
Love this album
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I've low key been going through somewhat of an internal crisis (lol wat else is new.) No, I'm serious... I have two modes: Euphoria and deep depression and anxiety

Plz help (Just kidding don't I'm a fuck up)

Anyways, I've been seriously reconsidering EVERYTHING for my future. Like, everything...

So, here's how it started...

A couple of weeks ago, I started major nerding out over history, particularly medieval history. In addition, I've always had an interest in old English.

One thing leads to another, and I'm in a YouTube wormhole of discussions on life in the medieval period, era clothing, Old English, Welsh, the works.

At the same time, I'm also feeling increasingly miserable about playing organ. I'm still enjoying playing piano as it's something I can bend to whatever style I wish and I feel safe to improvise whatever I want, but organ I feel I have no freedom to play in the exact style I've been taught.

Organ practice became a chore, so I fucking abandoned it (I'm also a masochistic idiot who revels in making shitty decisions.)

Needless to say, my organ teacher cracked down even harder on me.

As a result, I began begrudging the instrument even more.

It all came to a head a few days ago when I realized something:

I DON'T EVEN LIKE THE ORGAN. I NEVER FUCKING DID. I NEVER FUCKING WILL.

I began wondering why I'm even going to school for organ music.

Oh, right... because I had some crazy dream a couple of years ago that if I went to music school for something realistic but related to music, eventually I'd meet someone who'd be able to get me into the music business and I'd be the biggest thing in rock music since Led Zeppelin.

Well, that's not turning out very well for me now, is it?

Here's the thing: I figured if my plan A of being a rock star didn't turn out, at least I'd have a viable option as a church organist.

Which leads to another problem.... I can't see myself being a Catholic anymore. I've fallen so far away from the faith, and honestly, I have no desire to ever go back. My spiritual needs are fulfilled elsewhere.

I'm almost embarrassed to say this, but I've been fascinated by neopaganism....

So, you expect me, a begrudging young person who's left the church to become a neopagan/I don't even know anymore, who hates organ music, who wants nothing to do with being a church organist... to be a FUCKING CHURCH ORGANIST????????

Oh, right. I remember. I remember those little mini orgasms my Catholic parents used to get when I told them I was going into church music... I did it for them, of course.

And of course, they loved telling everyone else that's what I was going to do.

I convinced myself it's what I WANTED.

Of course, eventually something had to come to a head. It all came back to me... the resentment, the anger, the bitterness towards organ playing...

So where do I go from here? What is it I really want?

That's the thing... after I (or my mother, maybe) decided I was going into church music, I immediately stopped looking at any other career possibilities. If it wasn't related to music, I didn't care. It wasn't me.

Eventually I stripped away myself to the point I became a bitter shell who resembled no portion of her former self.

But something changed a couple of weeks ago... I reclaimed myself.

I AM ANN LOUISE QUINLAN.

I love progressive rock. Sure, classical music is good, it makes me happy, but it was never my first love.

I love music theory. I adore academia.

I love my friends, but not the ones in real life. Honestly, aside from my family and a few other people I really do love and respect, most of my peers I once considered my friends can honestly fuck themselves.

I say in utter genuineness when I say you are all my best friends. My REAL best friends. You guys actually give a damn about me and how I feel.

I love being gothic and embracing the darker side of everything.

I love history. I love it with all my heart. I love being transported to another time, a time so close yet so far. I love learning all about the events, people, and culture of distant times and places.

And so, that's the part that got me thinking...

I don't want to study music at all anymore.... at least performance/church music. I want to leave my love of classic/Prog rock clean and untouched but the adult realities of being a working musician. I want to simply, innocently enjoy them without being reminded of my pressures as a musician.

However, I still love academia... I love history and linguistics and music theory...

That's why I want to major in history instead of music. I want to get my phd in history one day, I'd love to write papers/books, perhaps, maybe be some sort of researcher... something involving it.

The thing is, no one ever helped me reach this dream, because it's one I gave up when I was fourteen. My dad told me it'd be worthless and I'd never get a job, so I gave up my passion completely.

I want to reclaim this, now. I want to be a historian... maybe a music historian XD

God, how I'd love to move to England and be involved in some sort of research at a castle... examining Medieval texts... deciphering Anglo-Saxon words...

Anyways, the point is, somehow, someway, I completely have to shoot a bullet in everyone's expectations of me and do EXACTLY what I want to do for once.

I'm tired of being used.

I'm tired of being pushed around.

I'm tired of everyone else telling me what to do.

This is my time now, and I could really give zero fucks over what any cunt has to say in opposition to me.