At the Strand of Nightmares

The Sacrifice

Just a Little story for my mate, OOnehitonder18
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Hannah had always wanted to see him.... see that beautiful, hairy presence.

See, she had been raised among a clan of Fetish Sasquatch worshipers from Michigan, or as they called themselves, the noobs.

Anyways, it was considered a major right of passage in the clan to come across an image of their idol, and being Hannah was now seventeen, she figured it was high time for her to see Fetish.

Unfortunately, Hannah had begun to grow rather weary of waiting around for fetish Sasquatch. Therefore, she did what any logical person would have done and she went to her friend who had already seen Fetish for guidance.

"Greeting, Ann!" Hannah called to her friend.

"Greeting, Hannah!" Ann parried back, "What is up, my Noobie sister?"

"Well," and Hannah bit her lip, starting to feel oddly nervous, "Its just that... just that..."

"Oh my God, is it a boy???" Ann squealed before clapping her hands to summon the bridal party, "TIME TO PREPARE FOR THE WEDDING, THEN!!"

"No, no, no, stop it!" Hannah yelled, waving her hands in the air.

"Shoo, shoo!" Ann said, making the party go away, "Dammit, and we got a wedding cake ready for you. Anyways, what's actually up, then?"

"I want to see Fetish Sasquatch!! I want to see him in his full glory, on the back of the pickup truck!"

"Ah, now that I can also arrange!" So, Ann looked behind her in order to call upon her other friends, "Come all, it is time for the sacrifice!!"

"WOOHOO, SACRIFICE!!" everyone said together, preparing the sacrifice. They brought out many candles and lit them, a few tiki torches, a table, and a sacrificial victim. It truly was a beautiful sight for all.

Except maybe for the victim... but whatevs.

Anyhow, Ann grabbed her mask from behind a tree, and got her dagger from out of her bra. "Hannah, would you like to join the Noobie masses for the tribal dancing? It's a  very important part of the ceremony to take part in, you know!"

"Yes, I would love to!" and with that, Hannah joined her Noobie brethren for the tribal dance aka The Whip and Nae Nae.

Or I think that's what it was... who daffuck knows for sure? I sure as hell don't.

"Before we can begin the crux of the ceremony, we must first sing our Noob shanties!"

They all joined together in one joyous voice and sang:

🎶BLOW, BLOW, BLOW THE NOOBS DOWN!!"🎶

I mean, there was more to it than that, but I mean, there was quite a bit more to document here...

"IT IS TIME FOR THE SONG OF OUR PEOPLE TO BEGIN!" Ann screeched as she lowered her mask.

Everyone cleared their throats in this really uncomfortable unison, and with that they all started singing, in gorgeous, classical-style four part harmony:

🎶🎶🎶SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD IS GONNA ROLL ME
I AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED
SHE WAS LOOKING KIND OF DUMB WIFH HER
FINGER AND HER THUMB
IN THE SHAPE OF AN 'L' IN HER FOREHEAD🎶🎶🎶

And so, as the dancing, singing, and all around noobiness intensified, Ann lowered her dagger down to the chest of her victim, bringing the sacrifice to an end, and with it the joyful displays of being a happy Noob.

"Come, my Noob children," Ann said, "Now that we have offered our victim, it is time to pray for our Overlord to shine upon us!"

All of the Noob masses joined hands and begun their sacred prayer:

"Fetish Sasquatch, shine brightly on us tonight.
Bring with you inbred hooligans,
And spooned raccoons,
And the fervent love of the furry mass."

They blessed themselves and waited...

And waited...

And waited...

"Wait, I see something!" Hannah cried. She looked harder, and couldn't believe her eyes.

Ah, yes! At last! It was Fetish!!!

All of the Noobie masses turned their heads, and sure enough, there it was...

The truck that Fetish Sasquatch had, sure enough, had a minor fender bender in front of a Walmart.

Hannah looked on with tears in her eyes and said, "Yes, now I am truly a proud Noob Woman. Thank you, Ann."

"Don't thank me, Hannah. Thank your Noobie brethren."

Hannah gave the wave of gratitude back to her brethren, which obvi, was a dab, and they, in return all also dabbed.

And so, that marked the end of the most sacred day of the Noob people.... a day spoken about in sagas from that day forth!