At the Strand of Nightmares

Quiet in Your Storms (story beta test)

Warning: Includes mildly graphic content related to suicide
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"I remember walking around my aunt's property that day, you see. It had been perhaps a few minutes after a horrible storm when I decided to go out, but nevertheless, I just needed to be out there... I needed to feel that warm, wet ground beneath my feet... something that felt right, for once... I wanted to be where I felt safe before I actually had to return to the real world of university.

"Anyways, it had been maybe three hours or so, honestly I had lost track of time, when I decided to start going around in the forest. I looked up, and I remember the dew on the freshly grown berries, the tiny animals splashing their faces with the new fallen rainwater...

"It became too much for me after just a few minutes, though... those animals, they were just so free! They didn't need to worry about finding their place in this world because they didn't need a place in this world. They were enough just being. I could never have that, though... I knew I'd never be free... I knew as soon as I returned to university and started up with that again... I'd never feel right again... I wanted out...

"And that's when you decided to...," the therapist muttered, scared almost to finish his own sentence.

"Kill myself?" she sighed, "Yes. I took out the razor from my... from my...."

"Don't be afraid, Ms. Everett," he said calmly, "You're safe, and I'm here to help you."

"And that's when out took out the knife from my bag and... and..."

"And what?"

Ms. Everett took a deep breath, and coldly and completely neutrally replied, "Slit my wrists... I took out a razor and slit my wrists," she seemed to start shaking now, "I stabbed that razor so damn far into that vein... I never wanted to wake up from that forest floor again... I just wanted to bleed out, right there... right in the only place that felt safe... I held my hand up above my head... I just wanted it to flow right on out... I passed out, and I hoped it was done for..."

"But what happened?"

"I woke up... I fucking woke up... I just wanted to die right then, but for some reason my aunt found me before..."

"Before what?"

"Before my heart stopped beating..."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Angry as hell. I wanted to just leave in peace... I never wanted to have to be stuck in some stupid hospital for weeks... then have to talk to a fucking shrink... just wanted to stop existing..."

"And yet, here you are. Why do you think that is?"

Ms. Everett replied flatly, "I didn't go deep enough."

"No, no," the therapist sighed, "I'm quite certain that's not why you're here... I'm quite certain there's something more to it than that..."

"You're going to give me some stupid cookie cutter 'you were spared for a reason,' so that's what I'll parrot on back, how's that?"

"That's actually not what I want. The truth is, I don't know why you're here, but frankly, I don't know why I'm here, either. Now, I'm sure there's a part of all of us that would love to live that simple life just like how you described earlier, but there's a certain... satisfaction... in having a purpose. I can't tell you what that purpose is, Ms. Everett, and I can't even tell you that you'll ever find that purpose: that reason you didn't bleed to death on your aunt's property, as much as I'd like to. Don't you think there might simply be a purpose in that, though? A purpose in the mere pursuit of searching for a purpose. Trust me, kid, you'll hit some stops along the way, and you might very well be pretty damn grateful you weren't too busy being dead to live through them."

The therapist looked intently at the girl, almost seeming to try to make his point clearer by burrowing into her mind.

She, on the other hand, was speechless. Ms. Everett looked up at the clock, and coughed, "Um... Dr. Grendel... it's time for me to go into the group sessions, I think..." she stood up from her seat, wary from this meeting. The nurse came to get her for the next rotations in the center, and she walked off in absolute silence, still unable to fully wrap her mind around her tender thoughts.

Nothing looked quite the same after that.