Phan Oneshots

Arrangment

lolollololol idk man
Dear Philip,
In two weeks time, as I am sure you are aware, is your twenty fifth birthday. I also think it safe to assume you know what must occur. I have granted you five years and now your time is coming to an end. You must marry before by your birthday or I will arrange you to be married myself. I hope you appriciate my kindness in this ordeal considering I gave you five years to find your own suitor while I, as you well know, was married my twentieth birthday, like my father before me and his before him. We await your reply eagerally and expect a full report on the suiter you have chosen and the date of the matromony or your submission and permission to summon a suitor myself. Mother sends her love.
Sincerly, Father.

Phil crumpled up the note and through it to the ground in anger. Why his family still insists on the tradition of arranged marriage while the world has moved on is beyond him. His psycho family is completely retro. Extremely old fashioned. The letter, for example, is written in perfect cursive with a fountian ink pin, all the i's and t's crossed and dotted. The paper itself is parchment along with the handmande envolope folded to perfection, and last but certainly not least is the wax seal with the signiture overly cursive 'L'. He has thought about running away but never brings himself to abandon his mother and father. They do love him so, they just can't move into this new world where people choose who they marry or not get married at all.

Phil sits in his office chair and lets out a long groan as he spins his chair. He feels like banging his head against a wall or jumping out of the window. Marriage? How can he possibly find anybody in two weeks? two weeks! He did have five years but never found anybody and always put it off, well his procrastination is coming back to bite him in the ass. He can't imagine the kind of person his father will find for him. Some butchers daughter who has no brains and the voice of an annoying canarry. Or perhaps some bankers son who is snobby and rich and an arrogent pompous asshole who will constantly look down on him until he becomes the same pretiege as him. His mother was not a stupid girl, but she was not smart by any means either. Even now, she doesn't know anything other then sewing, cooking, cleaning, hair and makeup, and caring for children. He needs someone he can talk to, someone who won't make him want to shoot himself in the face everytime they open their mouth. With that thought in mind he slowly makes his way to the kitchen to eat away his problems until a solution appears.
He pulls out popcorn, pizza rolls, ramon noodles, and some random chocolates that is still good. He cooks the popcorn, then the pizza rolls, all while eating the chocolates without even tasting them.

Dan enters and laughs heartily, "Are you having a party without me?"
He manages a smile out of Phil. Phil has his mouth stuffed full of popcorn and some chocolate all at the same time and heads back to the fridge for some drinks. "Do you know if I have any parchment paper left?" Phil asks once he swallows his mouthful.

"Oh, so that's what this is about, huh? Your dad wrote to you."

"Of course. You're looking at a man who will be married in two weeks." Phil said in obviously fake excitement. Dan had grown up next door to Phil and his parents are normal and in the present. He used to sneak out to Dan's and play boardgames or cards with him and his mom. He felt happy there. He felt normal.

"I think you have a couple left in the game room."

"Why is it in there?"

"Don't ask me, you put it there." Dan laughed and stole a pizza roll, leaning across the counter looking at Phil in amusement.

"He is probably already planning who I am to be wed too and my whole life will be mapped out. Oh joy, what raptrue! I'll get the old victorian house with sixteen rooms unused and dust gathering in another twenty..." Phil rambled on. Dan remembers his admiration towards Phil's house when they were younger. It was tall and grand, with fancy windows and gates. While his house was a small little home with duct tape over the top of the windows to keep the curtains on, and cracks in the bathroom tile. He loved his home, he really did, but he always admired the magical house across the road. Then Phil would come over and over but they never went there. Finally Phil invited him over, with great caution. Don't speak to an adult unless spoken to, no running, no yelling, shoes must be off right at the front door, and no touching. Dan giddly spent the day at Phil's but by the next day he knew why Phil didn't like it. It had no emotion. It was dull and shiny, but it felt dead. There was no animation or humor. It was just a dull home that had a couple of people taking up its space. After that, he didn't mind so much that Phil always came over and never invited him over. Phil didn't want to be there himself.
"Oh my, the treachery of being rich."
"Shut up."
Dan laughed and tooke more of Phils food.
"Wait, you have to move out?"
"Well, I, uh, I don't know. I guess I can't very well live here with my spouse and you now can I. I didn't really think about that."
"I don't want you to go." Dan whispered hesitantly. "I don't want to go either."
They looked at each other a bit before they cleared their throats and went to bed.
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Phil tossed and turned all night trying to think of a solution and before he knew it it was morning. And it was at that moment as he was lyin gin bed, staring at the ceiling and listening to Dan's rediculous singing and the thumps of his feet as he dances, that Phil gets an idea. He jumps up and runs to the kitchen.
"Woah lightnight McQueen, slow down!" Dan chuckles as he watches Phil slip in his fuzzy socks on their tile floor.
"Marry me!"
Dan was silent for a second before he did a small half laugh, "What?"
"Dan," Phil said walking over to him, he put his hands on the sides of Dan's arms, "Will you marry me?"
"What are you, what?"
"Think about it! If I marry you, we don't have to change anything. Just a little ceremony and my dad is satisfied! Every once in awhile we go to a dinner and pretend with my parents and then when you meet someone or I do, we get a divorce. Bada bing bada boom."
Dan blinked really fast a couple times and laughed. "I mean..Okay."
"Okay."
They grinned and did a little laugh. "Now we just tell my dad."
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heh lol.