Phan Oneshots

The End

So I am going to be honest here. I really don't watch Dan and Phil that much anymore. Like I realized this when PINOF 10 came out and I didn't instantly scream and watch it. I hummed and set my phone down and continued painting. D&P were such a huge part of my teenage years that I didn't want to admit to myself that I wasn't watching them or fangirling about them as much anymore. There was a point in my life that the only time I smiled or laughed was during one of their videos and them and TOP was really the only keeping me going. I never slept, I hardly ate, I was remembering things I didn't want to remember about my Kindergarten to Third grade ordeal and my best friend was losing interest in me and finding me more of a burden and overdramatic but would also get mad when I didn't want to do drugs with her. Freshman year was the lowest my life had ever been. I was self harming, starving/binging/purging, while trying to keep my grades up and stay on the Dance Team because that was one of the only things my parents were proud of me for doing. They thought I was fat and rebelling and all that shit. It was when my mom was yelling at me, asking me why I never talked or did anything and all that and making me cry and I screamed, "Because I want to die!" that they finally took me to the doctors. I was diagnosed with Major Deppression and the only reason I was never put on suicide watch is because I lied about self harming. So I got meds but I had been so deep in my depression that I really felt nothing anymore. Anytime I felt something it was just more sadness and I would cut myself to go numb, that when the pills started working and I started feeling things again, feeling that pain and unsufferable saddness that cutting couldn't take away that I couldn't take it. I attempted suicide by ravaging our medicine cabinet. Luckily I didn't know where my mom put my anti-depressents because I would of taken those too. I can't take any kind of medication with milk anymore. I layed down on my bed with my notes on my nightstand and fell asleep, I woke up though, to my dog jumping on me and I ran to the bathroom and vomited. I was so hot and sweaty I took all my clothes off and then sat down on the toilet and I started to pass out. But a fear ran through me because I did not want my mom to find me naked on the toilet and I sprang up and jumped in the bath and turned on ice cold water. In short I double dragoned (Do not google images It is when you poop and puke at the same time, not fun) for two days and my parents never found out what I tried to do. I told them I was trying to find medicine for my stomach and moved the empty stuff out of the cabinet. I was so fucking mad at myself. How do you mess up your own suicide? But I decided that I was going to live. I don't know why but I decided it and I kicked and screamed my way out sometimes falling back a couple of steps after I took one and I still have to fight everyday but that fight isn't so hard anymore. It doens't feel like climbing a mountain to get out of bed anymore, I smile, I laugh, sometimes I find myself singing and talking to myself but hey. My friends helped of course. Dan and Phil helped. Twenty One Pilots helped. Harry Potter helped. Some other things. Something to live for for one more day.

That's what you do to fight. You find something to live for today. Then again tomorrow and the day after that. Sometimes you need to smile just to feel yourself do it, even if you can not find anything to smile about. Life is hard. Some lives are easier than others. Sometimes to get through the day you focus on helping someone else, but you need to help yourself too. It's okay to cry. Hell I had a spot in my highschool where I went to cry or have a panic attack. You may think you are alone in this world, maybe you are in your school or home life. But you can always find something to live for. Maybe it is just to pee. Maybe it is just to curl your hair. Maybe it is just to cry. Maybe it is because it is for a Dan and Phil video. Maybe it is because another episode of your favorite show is coming out. Maybe it is to read that fanfic you found and really wanted to read but didn't.  But something to get you up, out of bed, something to get you through the day. Live day by day. It will never be perfect. People will not understand. People may tell you to "choose happiness" but they don't understand and that's okay. Because they don't need to. Choosing to live is something different. It is surviving. If you are depressed because of a trauma, let me tell you that I now know that that does not define you. It is something that happened to you and live with but it is not who you are. You are you and you are wonderful. Somedays you will lose a battle and stay in bed. But no war has been one without losing some battles. No battle is won without scars, wether physical or emotional.
Dan and Phil used to be what kept me alive and I will forever remember what they did for me and care about them but I have grown and matured and yes I still read fanfic or write smut. But I can't keep pretending I am still a phangirl. I love them, I ship them, and they will always be apart of me. 

So I finish the one shot series here. On Chapter sixty-nine because I am still a little immature and like a good inapropriate joke.
I might start up a Merthur one shot series or story, maybe Harry Potter.
So if you like those watch out for that because I love writing and I had rewatched Merlin and all my feels are up close and personal and I understand things better now than when I watched it my sophemore year.

Thank you for reading. I love you all and if rereading one of these is your reasons to live tomorrow then seize it.