My Thug Nigga (Book 1)

I Hate It

I turned the hospital tv off and as I tried to get sum shut eye, Clare was sleeping on the couch and Cj was sleeping in bed with me.

I got irritated quick when I figured out I couldn't sleep, my thoughts drifted back to my mother, I held in my tears as I looked up and dabbed at my eye.

I sat up and slid off the hospital bed, I tucked in Cj and made my way to the twins.

I stood there watching them sleep, a part of me wanted to smile but I pushed that part in the far back of my mind.

I grabbed two couch pillows and put them over the twins and I roughly pushed down on it, tears fell from my face.

"Queen? QUEEN!?" Clare yelled.

I bolted up, my chest was heaving and I was taking deep breaths, sweat and tears were all over my face.

It's been a total of 3 months since my mother died and my twins were born. Since we left the hospital two months ago I've been having violent dreams about killing my kids.

I hate em, I feel so evil and bad and it's terrible, I don't wanna tell Clare bc he won't trust them around me if he knew.

"Queen baby? You okay?" Clare asked as he sat up In bed, I nodded and climbed off his bed going straight to the bathroom, he followed close behind.

"No your not, you been having nightmares since we came back home, I'm getting worried" he said.

I shook my head as I washed my face, "it's nothing okay, it's normal" I said. The hell it is....

He turned me around and got in my face "Queen" he said in a stern voice. I felt my tears swell up my eyes, "Okay okay" I said putting my hand up.

"Finally" he muttered grabbing ahold of my hand and pulling me towards the bed.

"So since we came home I've been having a recurring nightmare, in this nightmare I was back in the hospital, in my room, you, Cj, and the twins would be asleep and every time I'd get up and kill the twins each time the same way....." I muttered looking at nothing, he just stared at me with fear and shock on his face.

I shook my head and looked at Clare, "I can't do this anymore Clare, I hate this I feel like the devil and I hate it, I can't stop these thoughts, a part of me hates the twins" I cried.

He stood up and rubbed his face, "Queen" he said.

"I'm sorry" I cried.

"Queen believe me they didn't kill your mother, she died from a car crash, there is nothing you could've done even if you was with her" he said.

I stood up with tears falling from my eyes "no! I could've said bye Clare, I never got the chance to say goodbye!" I yelled.

"Like, how could she leave me! Why me? She knows I can't do this without her" I cried.

"It's okay Queen.....its okay to hate her, she abandoned you......not the twins" he said.

I started knocking things over and throwing things "HOW COULD YOU LEAVE ME!? EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WAS TO MAKE YOU PROUD! AND YOU JUS KICK THE BUCKET AND SAY FÙCK IT!" I screamed (that rhymed)

I fell to the ground and sobbed "I need you......mommy please don't leave me" I sobbed, Clare joined me on the floor and held me to him, "how could she possibly think I could live without her" I sobbed.

"Let it out babygirl" he whispered.

《2 hours later》

I was now standing over the twins crib watching them sleep, a smile slowly appeared on my face, "God thank you for these two angels" I whispered, I bent down and pecked both of they're foreheads leaving back out the room closing the door.

"How was it?" Clare asked as I walked into the room, I sighed and smiled "like a breath of fresh air" I said as I climbed on the bed and cuddled up to him.

"Good" he muttered as he rubbed my butt, "now get up, you gotta start replacing all my shìt you broke" he said popping my àss.

"Owwy!" I pouted.

"Cry baby" he laughed.