We have been doing this for a month now. We got all our promotional stuff to do as well. Tomorrow we have a radio show to do. That's an early start for me, that's going to be hard as I still having sleeping problems. Later today we are doing another promo via Facebook, last time we did a Q&A which did get out of hand as Donnie wasn't there to keep me and Joe in check. This time it's going to be more like the AOL sessions we did in 2008.
Today it's going through the routines bit by bit. So again my left leg was strapped up. For now, it has been behaving. I am away from everyone else trying so hard to remember the songs on my own. First with headphones on as the music plays on my iPod. I remember our old songs but the newer stuff not so much. I am being hard on myself trying to remember ones we don't use on tour. They are the hardest ones to remember because we don't sing them enough. I remember all our old ones all the ones I sing leads on I remember all the old ones we use to sing on tour the first time around. WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER OUR NEWER ONES. I can sing one more night because we practice that one many times. Since that tv appearance, I can't remember Thankful. I have a mental block on that one. Then there still sounds good and hard. The fans will want me to do hard but I remember only bits of that song. I got a mental block on that one, they say it is because of the way I danced that one the last tour. Let's try 'Hard' again. I put the song on again and listen to it a few times. Then I tried on my own as I put the headphones around my neck. I close my eyes and breathe in.
I've been playin' cool with you too long
And that's not me
Tryna front like you don't turn me on (turn me on)
Is that what you believe?
Oh baby I, apologize, but I won't be satisfied
Till you're beggin' me for more and more (Don't beg me, girl)
Your body's like a paradise and I'm tryna take a flight
You're a masterpiece, I'm just tryna let you know
Baby you're more than a problem
Give me one taste so I can make it stop
If you really don't want me to wantcha
I don't know what I'm supposed to do
It's so hard not luvin U
Watchin' every motion I can't speak
You got me weak
Tryna be polite but underneath
I'm feelin' like a freak, freak (yeah)
It took me all morning to remember the song and I still miss bits. I still got two months before the tour and I am getting frustrated with myself that I am never going to get this. Its been nearly two years since the accident. I am frustrated that everyone else is fine now. Donnie doesn't limp anymore nor does Jon have a problem with his back now or at least it doesn't show. Danny and Joe never really had any problems. Then there is me, one dodgy leg and brain injury making everything I do at a slower pace and redo everything over and over again until I get it. I place my hand on my scar and let it travel over my head following the scar. I close my eyes remember the injury to my head and why there is a scar. They said I was very lucky well extremely lucky as not only was I trapped under the wreckage of the bus cut into my abdomen but also shattered my leg from the knee downwards to the point they thought I may lose my leg. It was my traumatic brain injury where I was extremely lucky I was still alive. Where my head connected the already smashed window, a piece of glass got stuck in my head as I landed it got wedged further not to mention I had a fractured skull. I was lucky I wasn't wedged underneath the bus. I have seen all the photos of my injuries, it has given a better understanding but I still feel sick at the thought of the sight of the injuries. I have a copy of the photo of Jon sleeping next to me in hospital, the one Mom took, I have looked at it closer and seen the state I was in. I had another brain operation where I nearly died due to pressure in my brain caused by a bleed, in the photo I have a tube to my head to relieve the pressure. Through the all the photos I now realise how fucking lucky I am to still be here to this day
Especially where I wasn't found five days after the accident with all three serious injuries. I should cut myself some slack mainly cos I think I should be like myself before the accident which ain't gonna happen. They only told me the whole information of my injuries five months ago mainly because I was still angry, confused and anxious. But I am still of all those until this day. Am I ever going to recover?. I started to hum to the song 'Help' and I realise it's a song for me. I smile while I still humming to it as it is an easy one to remember.
Help! I need somebody
Help! Not just anybody
Help! You know I need someone
Help!
(When) When I was younger (When I was young) so much younger than today
(I never need) I never needed anybody's help in any way
(Now) But now these days are gone (These days are gone) and I'm not so self assured
(And now I find) Now I find I've changed my mind, I've opened up the doors
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please, please help me?
(Now) And now my life has changed (My life has changed) in oh so many ways
(My independence) My independence seems to vanish in the haze
(But) But ev'ry now (Every now and then) and then I feel so insecure
(I know that I) I know that I just need you like I've never done before
Help me if you can, I'm feeling down
And I do appreciate you being 'round
Help me get my feet back on the ground
Won't you please, please help me?
I was in deep thought when I felt something on my arm. There was Joe standing next to me.
"Hey J, we have been calling for you for like twenty minutes. You're not spacing out on us again, are you?"
"No, just trying to relearn the songs and I was thinking about everything".
"You got to stop the thinking about your old injuries J. You got to stop living in the past. You will not recover mentally if you do that. Come on we are going through the routines. We started already while waiting for you Jordan". I groan but follow him anyway. I still got my wireless headphones around my neck.
We walk into the main dance studio where everyone else is. As I walk in all you can hear are the comments from the others.
'Oh look what the cat dragged in'.
'Where have you been?'
'We thought you disappeared again'.
'You weren't running away again'.
So here goes as our choreographer put us in our places again to run through one more night. We went through some more songs. I needed a break as I starting to tire, I went for a bottle of water and took a sip.
"Jordan, get back into formation" replied our choreographer.
"I need a break" I muttered "I am getting tired, I need to stop as I am pushing myself too much to relearn everything. I have to work harder than everyone else because of my brain injury". The guys helped me by standing next to me by the side.
"We are taking a break" replied Donnie sternly and he walked off.
"Are you alright J". I nodded drinking some more water.
"Are you sure" replied Danny looking straight at me, waiting for an answer from me.
"I am just tired" I replied, "I spent the whole morning trying to remember the songs". I went to sit down, Danny looked at me strangely.
"You're limping again".
"I am not. I am just tired".
"You are".
"HE'S WHAT! !" replied a voice behind him.
"I AM TIRED OK. DON'T START OK". I sat down with my bottled water.
"It all starts in April. 10 weeks away. He is limping again".
"All I need is rest. I have been pushing myself too much to be ready. OK, Jon, so be quiet and leave me alone". He went to say something but walked away. I don't want to do the radio show as I know they will ask me questions and I am not ready for that. Because I am exhausted, they pushed back the other promo we were going to do today. They want me to be physically and mentally fit for the tour. They are rescheduling the rehearsals so there is enough time for me to recover and rest. I am feeling like I am being a burden to them. I know I shouldn't have snapped at Jon, I know he is only trying to help.
I sat there watching them carrying on rehearsing different parts of the tour. They are making fun of me when either Joe, Donnie or Danny stand in for me. Joe is really trying to hard to be me, that I am laughing too hard.
"You're doing it wrong. You do like this". I get up.
" Sit down and rest J". I come over with an aid of a crutch.
"Here comes the newest member of that group. What's their name? Oh, its Old men on the block". Whack as I hit him on the leg with my crutch " Oww, Jordan why'd you do that for?".
"Making fun of me". I put the crutch down and got into formation for the next run through. " I am rested. Let's go again. I am ready to do Step by step". Jon glares at me but doesn't say anything as Donnie whacks his arm. I have ten weeks to be ready. I can do this if I take my time through the rehearsals.
YOU ARE READING
Never Alone(Sequel to Back to Life)
Fanfiction(Completed) Jordan Is now has slowly recovered from the effects of the accident they had on tour last year. If he is really going to recover he will need to find that special someone so Jordan is then never alone.
