Never Alone(Sequel to Back to Life)

Tour: Manchester gig

I got through the gig at Birmingham just about wearing the same microphone headset I had on at the end of the London gig. Today I get to see Caitlin again. I miss her so much. We have been texting and calling each other but its only been 3 days. I was backstage with the guys. This is the third show on our European tour which finishes end of July as we have bigger gaps between some of the shows for me to recover fully so I don't burn out with my leg. Everyone else was OK like Jon and Donnie. Their injuries don't affect them much anymore just me. I am the pathetic and weak one with a dodgy leg and a brain that won't work properly still. I am so tired of this. It's been nearly two years now. Because of the memories, this time we are not doing shows on the 16th, 17th and 22nd July as that was when the accident happened and I was found. 

I didn't run away before the sound check this time I was just trembling on stage during it. I was shaking so much, it didn't help with my anxiety that we are in the same arena that had the terrorist attack two years ago. I shouldn't think about something like that but my anxiety is so bad everything I can worry about worries me badly. I need to see Caitlin. I wonder if she is in Manchester yet. I pick up my phone, I have to call her as my hands are shaking. It gets picked on four rings.

Hello

"Hello Caitlin"

Hi Jordan

"Are you here yet?"

Yeah at the train station now. Just got to get to the arena. Are you alright? Your voice sounds a bit off.

"I am feeling a bit anxious more so than normal because of where we are".

I think everyone will be tonight. You will be alright

"That's what I like about you. You always have something calming to say". My voice starts to sound a little calmer "Let me know when you get here. I will send someone for you". 

OK.

I smile as I disconnected my call. I get up from where I sat on the edge of the stage. I just needed to hear her voice. That might keep me going until she gets here. The guys appear back on stage again from taking a break. Jon gives me a bottle of water.

"You alright J".

"Kinda. Not actually 100%". 

"Ready for sound check guys" Donnie shouted towards us. He hands my microphone to me "No substitutes this time. We want to know if its all you and not the lyrics going to your ear. OK J". I suddenly look petrified, I gulp and nervously nodded at him. 

"You can do it J. Just believe in yourself". I nervously laughed back at them. I know for a fact that I am going to mess up. "We have seen you do it when you are not trying too hard. You just have to relax J". 

"Easier for you to say than me to do". 

"You will be fine. Let's go". I nervously chuckled. He placed a hand on my shoulder as we stand on the stage.

We have been going through some songs for the sound check for a while. I was getting sweaty in my jacket with nervous sweat as I was trying to get the words right. I think I was 50/50. For the so far I haven't even taken off a layer of clothing as I was worried I would start to show off and reveal scar without knowing I did it. Danny had been helping me strengthening my leg. But I had been using the gym to also get rid of nervous energy. So as I took my jacket everyone looking at me. Because I normally wear a t-shirt which didn't show what the vest top now was showing. 

"Why are you all staring at me?" I was getting a little self-conscious. I wrapped my arms around me to hide what I thought they were looking at. But it made it worse.