'In a while, I try to stand but my left leg has other ideas and buckles from underneath me and I crash onto the floor in heap again. I got annoyed with myself as I hit the floor. Somehow I get back to the hotel. I don't know how I got there. All I knew I needed something strong to drink so I hit the bottle'
I am sat on my bed in my hotel room with a bottle from the mini bar on the side table. I was staring at it. I have for the last hour. I haven't noticed my phone was ringing. I even haven't got up to go have a shower yet. I am just sat there in my own little world starting at the bottle. As I reach the bottle I have a flashback.
'"Here I am. I am so hungry and ready to eat". After that everything exploded.
"Where the hell have you been? It's Christmas. You have missed dinner, you even missed the presents being given out. You missed everything. WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN JORDAN?"
"Nowhheerree" I slurred.
"Have you been drinking? You promised you would never again. Since the accident I stood by you even when you couldn't remember me, your wife through amnesia" I held onto the back of Jon's chair to hold myself up "Are you even listening to me?". I just looked at her trying to stay on my feet. Everyone was watching us. When she noticed the boys looking even though they are old enough. It's never nice to see your parents fighting. Well, one doing all the yelling while the other is just trying to stay his feet. She dragged me into the kitchen. You, however, do sober up very quickly when in an argument and when things are being thrown at you all because you missed dinner.
"I stood by you through all the problems with your solo career, your drinking the first time around and then when you were involved in the accident I stood by you while you tried to remember. While your moods changed from being angry to being tearful and crying at times. I stood by you when you were screaming at night through your nightmares. I had to hold the fort and make sure your sons were alright because their dad couldn't remember them. I let things slide when you are on the cruise or on tour". I just listened and let her do all the yelling as I started to feel nauseous now. The room was spinning. "I can't take it anymore Jordan. I don't know which Jordan is coming home to me each day". I just let Evelyn scream at me. "I think we need to separate I can't take the stress of it anymore. It hurting everyone". I say nothing. "Are you going to say anything?. Are you going to fight for us?. What are you thinking Jordan?". I think I am going to be sick. "Are you going to say anything Jordan?. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE NOT SAYING ANYTHING. THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN THINK OF ANYTHING TO SAY. HOW ABOUT I AM SORRY I WAS LATE FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER?. SORRY I WASN'T THERE TO OPEN PRESENTS. SORRY THAT I AM DRUNK AGAIN". She went quiet and turned her back on me. I went to her stumbling a bit. She turned and hit me with a frying pan. You hear crack across my head where it connected with the side of my head. I went dizzy for a moment and lost my balance. Jon came running in when they heard a loud thud as I connected with the floor from the other room'.
I realise that bottle full of alcohol lost me, my family. Although my boys now live with me as they wanted to help me get better as I was in a deep depression. But for months I wasn't allowed to see them as I was treated as if I wasn't fit to be a father. I lost my family but I nearly lost my place in the group. I wish they would just let me go, I am so useless at the moment. I stare at the bottle again. Another flashback.
'"How many more times have I got to tell you that Jordan is no more? I am Jay now". I clench a fist and I shake with anger.
"This is what we need to talk about" replied Jon "Either you are too drunk or extremely pissed off. We can't work with you at the moment".
"You are always at our throats for something. Everything sets you off. We can't deal with the pressure and stress of it. It is really upsetting the balance of the group" replied Danny.
"We don't know which Jordan we get each day. We wonder which one will turn up. Whether it's Drunk Jordan, Angry Jordan or Teary anxious Jordan" said Joe.
"So we have decided to give you an ultimatum. You get help or you are permanently out of the band" said Donnie coldly'.
Why do I always have the same flashbacks about my drinking? Why couldn't I remember any of the other times I was drinking heavily? Like the early times. As I picked up the bottle I hear my door opening with the click of a keycard. In steps Donnie, what no Jon. He sees me.
"What hell are you doing with that bottle, Jordan?".
" Nothing".
"C'mon on. I am not blind I can see the bottle in your hand J. What are you doing?".
" I was going to put it back."
"Yeah sure".
"I have been staring at it for last hour. I couldn't bring myself to do it. It's cheaper to go downstairs anyway. I have been sitting here thinking about it all". I got up and put it away. Then sat down again. He looked at me confused. "I am going for a shower then I am going to bed".
" OK you know you can talk if you are struggling with anything".
"I am fine".
" We all know you're not. Even you know you aren't doing well. Just get through your thick skull we are here to help you. Stop being so damn stubborn and talk to us".
I stood there staring through him. I walked off to the bathroom. Behind me, I can hear Donnie groan and slam the door on the way out. I was hoping the shower would help but it doesn't. I now standing in the middle of the room dressed to go out. Before I do anything is it too late to call Caitlin as its 1 am here. Still, with the phone in hand, I also pick my keycard. I shut and lock my door. I check around the corridor for anyone. Nope. So I walk downstairs to the bar. As I sit down I order a beer with a pathetic attempt of their language. I sit there playing with the label for a while. I start to text Caitlin. I take a sip of beer from the bottle. It makes me feel ill that I push it away and walk off back towards my room. I feel queasy and dizzy as I get to my door. The stress of it all is getting to me again. I collapse on my bed half reading a text that Caitlin sent back but not really reading it. I started shaking and sweating. I don't know why but I was getting panicky about it. I sent a text but I don't know who.
HELP ME.
YOU ARE READING
Never Alone(Sequel to Back to Life)
Fanfiction(Completed) Jordan Is now has slowly recovered from the effects of the accident they had on tour last year. If he is really going to recover he will need to find that special someone so Jordan is then never alone.
