Never Alone(Sequel to Back to Life)

On route to Copenhagen

"Do I get a special show of my own later?" she says with a wink. I shake my head. What have they done? (I never did) 

Everyone else flew to Copenhagen, we were taking the train. They wanted me to spend alone time with Caitlin to lower my stress level. It has been working as I haven't felt ill, nauseous or had a full-blown anxiety attack like the one I had in Oslo where they had to get a doctor. I think Caitlin has something to do with it. She calms me down. Can you have more than one soul mate? Or is it you think you have met your soul mate but you haven't really yet. Jon calls her my guardian angel but I think she is more than that. 

Well, we are sat on the train going through every view of Sweden. We are sat in first class with Vik sat at a nearby table while we are sat at one, just the two of us. It's just nice to spend some time with her without the others getting the way especially Joe, he always finds a way of being in the way. We just sat there in each other arms with Caitlin's head on my shoulder looking out at the view. I watch her looking out the window, I don't want to rush things, I'm scared to rush thing as. We have only been together for 2 weeks since Manchester. I'm just happy where we are at the moment. I wonder if my PTSD stops me from getting to close as if I am scared too in case it goes all wrong and we break up. I kiss her forehead. She snuggles into me and closes her eyes. I can feel her heartbeat from the way she has turned into me. I smile as mine beats faster as I wrap together around her. I fall asleep too.
Later I wake to finds Caitlin was still asleep. I turn to look out the window. I don't know where we are. My cell beeps a message.

Jon: Here in the hotel in Copenhagen. Where are you guys now?

Me: Not sure. Can't tell. It all looks the same to me 

I wait for another message to come through. They are there already, I am still travelling to get there. I am going to miss things by doing this. I look at my phone again. Nothing. I find my brothers number and call it. It rings for a few times before he picks up.

Hello

"What am I missing?".

Nothing really. We are all chilling in our rooms.

"Don't lie".

Honest, we are not doing anything yet.

" There we go. The word yet comes out. Don't like not being there as I feel I am missing something important".

You're not. Honest anything like meetings you will not miss. You are just missing out on the soundcheck. We are not doing anything until tomorrow. So relax you're not missing anything.

"Are you sure. I don't trust you lot. You are all there probably sorting out new stuff now while the angry, anxious and teary one is not there to ruin it all".

Don't talk like that J. We don't see you like that at all.

" Sure you do".

Just having some relaxing time on the train. We will see you when you get here.

I grumble something and hung up on him. I can't take any of this. They want me to relax but I can't if I feel like I am missing something. I am deep thought staring out of the window. I don't notice Caitlin stirring next to me. I don't hear her talking to me either. She shakes me, I'm still no responsive. Then a hand moves up my arm and across my chest. She kisses me on the cheek. 

"J are you alright?" She said shaking my shoulder again. 

"Huh" as I wake up from my daydream.

"I asked if you were ok. I heard you on the phone" she replied with a concerned look on her face. 

"Yeah, no, don't know. Because we are travelling like this I feel I am missing out on things with the band. It's the same when they are all at the arena and I'm stuck in the hotel waiting to go there. I know I'm supposed to be relaxing. Hey, I do feel relaxed and not so stressed. But I feel like I'm missing out as they are having fun without me". 

" Jordan, they miss you when you're not there. They won't be having any fun without you. The guys are giving you time to be stress-free so you can recover. When you recover more the label won't be on your back so much". I looked out the window at the view as the train went past it all "Are you even listening to me, Jordan". I tried not to look. "Look at me, please. We are trying to help you but you keep blocking us out and letting us help. We all know you are still struggling. Let us help you. Let us in. Talk to us". 

"I try to but it's hard" I croaked out "But it's so hard. I am struggling. I am weak and pathetic. I am still struggling with my emotions and everything else. I don't know what the next show is going to be like since their stupid little joke on me. I am still angry about that. I am scared too because of what is going to be expected of me next time. They will want me to do that".

" Not all of us are like that okay". 

I nodded. I can't believe I broke down again. I am so fucking weak. I wrapped my arms around her and buried my head in her shoulder. I stayed there with the tears flowing. Vik looked up from where he was. I don't see Caitlin playing with her phone.

C: I hope you guys are having fun. But I think I broke your brother again 😣

JRK: how

C: we were talking about you guys and he then went on about what he thinks the next show is going to be like because of what Donnie and Joe did.

JRK: how is he now?

C: buried in my shoulder and holding onto dear life

Caitlin's phone then rang. I still didn't move. I can hear her chatting to someone. I was trying to keep calm breaths. I am so fucked up. I am ever going to be the same again. I feel something against my ear. I could hear Jon's voice on the other end. Later I put the phone down. Caitlin looks at me.

"You should listen to the lyrics of one of your own songs 'Believe'. Some of the lyrics apply to you". She got her iPod out and found the song and gave me it to listen too. I don't remember that song. Honestly, I don't remember it. 

" I don't remember this song". I shuffled to each song and listen to each one "I don't remember any of them". I carried on listening " I definitely don't remember that one. Why am I singing a dirty song like that". I turn it off and give it back. 

"You see yourself dancing to that one on YouTube. Unfortunately, I wasn't there for the live show". I shivered at the thought. " Don't worry about it. It will all come back". 

She noticed our carriage is quiet very quiet. She moved closer to me and wrapped her arms around my neck. She pulled me into a kiss on the lips. I started to tremble and shake. PDA on a train. Old me this wouldn't be a problem. It is now for me. I kissed her harder but it was her who moved away first. She was becoming shy again like when we first met. I knew why she moved, someone came into the carriage and Vik looked up at us. I smile as it's her backing out. I kissed her again and this time it's me with the first move. I pull her onto my lap as I'm kissing her passionately. My hands move under her top. Her hands are now moving under my top. I feel her hands over my muscular chest. I still feel my body tremble with every touch of hers. Then we realise we are now arriving in Copenhagen...