Never Alone(Sequel to Back to Life)

Tour: Rotterdam

The last day I will see Caitlin until the European leg of the tour is done. But my boys will be here soon. I have been a little sneaky. My boys' flight comes at 11 am in the morning and Caitlin's leaves in the afternoon about 2 pm. I know she won't meet them. But she will if she meets them by accident. I thought back to the week we had. Had some good times and some low times. I remember back to last night.

'We are once back at the hotel, back to our room. I feel better now. I take her in my arms. I kiss her on the lips. Caitlin reaches up to me and kisses me with passion. I moan. She pushes up against me. I moan again. Caitlin removes my jacket. My hands move around to pull her in. Our tongues meet together in our kiss. It's getting a little hot here. She starts to unbutton my shirt which soon ends up on the floor. I walk the two of us towards the bed. She is the one moaning now. I pull her zipper on the dress which is removed. I pushed her gently onto the bed while we are still kissing each other. I move to be on top of her on the bed still kissing her. Our hands are roaming over each other bodies. My body trembles as I feel her hands over my pecs, biceps and over my abs. Her hands move towards my pants and she starts to undo my belt. Then I realise what we are doing and I move quickly.

"I can't do this".... '.

My life is so messed up I can't be intimate with my girlfriend. I am scared of messing up everything and we go our separate ways. But stupid it's gonna happen if you don't do something. She is going to leave you because you haven't been there yet. She will get tired of waiting for you. I really hate that voice of doubt. I have heard it since I woke up from my coma. It's my anxieties eating me up. We were so close last night before I realised what was happening. So nearly hit myself for shying away again. It's surprising she still wants to be with me. I am such a liability with everyone. My PTSD and anxiety getting the way of my life. I can not deal with it. It's not my life anymore. I am a shell of my former self. Jordan is disappearing again as I don't feel like me. When is this mess going to stop? I want to be me again. It's been nearly two years since the accident and I am no way back to my normal self again.

I am sat in one of the chairs in our room while Caitlin is in bed still sleeping as it's 5 am. Six hours more then my boys arrive but it's nine hours before the one sleeping in my bed goes back home and I am going to miss her. She is my everything. We have six more countries to go in our European leg. We don't finish until July. That's when I get to see her again. Two whole months. I am sat here just staring into space not focusing on anything really. I start to daydream. I should be asleep in her arms counting down the hours until she goes again.

Next, I know I wake up sitting in the chair. I hear Caitlin move in the bed.
" What are you doing over there?".

"I woke up really early so I was sitting here thinking and fell asleep in the chair" I replied.

"Come back to bed" she replied. I get up and walk over.

"What time is it?" I say.

"7 am".

" I need to be up in an hour. We have to be somewhere at 11 and it takes an hour to get there".

"Why?" She replies as I snuggle into her. I kiss her cheek. I am not telling. "I want to spend the whole morning with you in bed until I have to leave to catch my flight in Amsterdam". Caitlin turned over to kiss me on the lips. I smiled wrapping my arms around her. I kiss her deeper and pushing my tongue into her mouth. She moans as I do it. She wraps her arms around my neck and pulls me towards her. Now again I'm on top of here again. There we are just kissing, I settle myself between her legs. And that's how far we go.

Soon as it starts it needs to finish as we got to go and have breakfast before we leave. We meet everyone downstairs. We walk in the room holding hands. Joe comes up to me and whispers in my ear.