Tragic Magic II World Tour

Chapter Forty Five

It felt weird to be alone in our house. I hadn't ever been alone in this house until now. The house seemed bigger and darker. As if it was hiding a dark secret, which in a way, it was.

I wasn't really interested in love anymore. I just wanted to move on with my life. I wanted to move far away from everyone. I wanted a normal life; a life without the music, the fans, the money, and the love. My heart was so broken, the pain was so strong, but I couldn't feel a thing. Things were over between Ronnie and I. It was hard to believe, but it was the truth. We couldn't come back after this.

I didn't want to rekindle things with TJ again. I didn't even want to see his face again, but I promised him dinner tonight. So I got myself ready, set the table, and cooked until my heart felt a little more whole.

My mind continued to race. I kept thinking about Ronnie and the dark feeling he implanted into my heart. The love was gone. Everything was gone. I'm not even sure who will end up with the house, I'm just holding on until he is released from the hospital. At that point, it will all become so much harder.

Then I would think about Craig and how he must be feeling the same. How could I leave Craig by himself with a broken heart? What's going to happen with their house? Is Ashley moving in with Ronnie, or is Ronnie moving in with Ashley? Will they even move in together?

It was too much for my heart to take. I wanted to cry but my body wouldn't let me. Everything was numb.

I finished cooking dinner with plenty of time to spare, so I went into the entertainment room and watched some TV to ease my mind. That didn't help much either, but watching the way Meredith Grey's life deteriorated in Grey's Anatomy made me feel better about my pathetic life.

When TJ finally arrived I remembered exactly why I didn't want to see his face. He was gorgeous, his eyes made my broken heart skip a beat and my stomach fill up with butterflies. His beauty was so defined, like nothing I had ever seen before. And the worst part about TJ is the way he ages. As time goes on, he looks better and better.

"Wow," his smile makes my blood run cold and my heart race, "you look great for someone who had their shit wrecked just a week ago."

He had a bouquet of white roses in one hand and a bottle of wine in the other. He knew my heart too well.

"I'm not a fan of long dresses," I say, looking down at the gold material draping down my legs, "but I figured you wouldn't like to see the scars."

"It's who you are now. Didn't your mother ever tell you not to get involved with rockstars? You'll end up with a broken heart and hole filled thighs."

"Come in," I close the door behind TJ, feeling like I let devil into my home, "dinner is ready if you're hungry."

Things were so natural with TJ. It burned a hole through my broken heart. I didn't want to feel anything for him, especially the way we ended things the first time. I was so drawn to him. I've been drawn to him since the day we met.

We talked and drank wine at the dinner table for hours. We talked as if nothing changed, we were still engaged.

"You know," he says, grabbing ahold of my left hand, "the longer you wear that ring, the longer it'll take to heal."

"Oh," I glance down at my wedding band, "I guess you're right."

"My ring was prettier anyways," he adds.

"Yeah, it was," I slide my ring off and examine the white diamond. It had lost its original gleam.

"I still have it. I'll keep it for you."

"TJ, are you still trying with me?" I finally ask, "things ended so bad between us."

"My feelings have never changed. I thought they did, but I couldn't get you out of my heart," he says, "and it sucks, it really sucks."

"Why does it suck?"

"Because I know you're so fucked up in the heart that maybe you're not even capable of love anymore."

It's strange to hear my own thoughts being said by another human being. Everything in me is fighting to never love again, but why?

"I hurt you, TJ," I glance down at my glass of wine, "and I'm sorry."

"That's the hard thing about love. You hurt and you hurt. You don't truly love someone until they've hurt you and you still think they are the greatest person in the world. Love is violent."

He's right. I think that's why I've always been so drawn to Ronnie. We hurt each other all the time. Every single day of our lives. But we can't do this anymore, this isn't the love I want. After you're hurt so many times you stop thinking they are the greatest person in the world.

"I think the hardest thing about you, TJ, is the way you're so perfect. You're too perfect. You're gorgeous and you smell good and you make me feel so warm when I'm next to you. My heart is broken, it's so broken, but when I'm next to you I feel it fill with a warmness that I can't explain. It's like I have butterflies in my heart, not my stomach."

"What would have happened if Ronnie never got involved and we actually went through with the wedding?" He asks.

"I think I probably would have been much happier."

"We never had any problems did we?"

We didn't. I ruined a perfectly good thing for something so toxic. Things were too good between us and I ruined it.

"I did such an awful thing to you," I finally admit out loud.

"Yeah, you did, but look where we are now. Things can change."

Things can change.