All I Want Is You Baby (BoyXBoy)

Chapter 57 Can You Write Again?

Malcolm sat in the snow in the morning and looked at the frozen lake ahead of him. He held a fishing loop in his hands. His hands were cold and his shoes were wet from all the walking he had done through the snow. He heard footsteps on the snow and soon Chelsea sat beside him. They both stared at the dark sky. The sun wasn't up by then.

"It's early morning, what are you doing?" She asked.
"Fishing," He covered his face in his woolen muffler. She laughed, "Are there even any fishes here?"
"I don't know. Let's see," 
They sat quietly.

"So, you decided to come back to school? Did the hospital discharge you?" He asked her.
"I'm on a temporary leave for Christmas," She said.
"In that case, you should stay home and rest,"
"Yeah, but I don't want to stay home. I don't want to stay with mom,"
"Something happened at home?"
"It's just...Mom and her boyfriend...Let's not talk about it," She hugged him gently.

"Have you written anything in a while?" She asked.
"No, not yet,"
"What will you sing for performance?"
"Some old songs,"
She looked at him, "This is so not like you. Didn't you like something new at all times?"

"Chelsea, I am not that Malcolm anymore. Why don't you get it? People change with time,"
"So, does that mean they forget what they loved?"
"No, they just don't care about it anymore,"
"What makes them change, Malcolm? What changed you?"
"What about you? Didn't you change too?"

"I'm the same,"
"I don't think that. You changed and now you hate me. But don't worry, I won't hate you. But I won't love you either. We just need to feel nothing for each other. We need space," He moved away from her.
"You're such a coward," She said.
He smiled at her, "I know right?"

"Ryan wouldn't like a Malcolm like this,"
"I'm sorry I couldn't be strong."
"Is that everything that you've gotta say? You're saying that for the past four years!"
"What else should I do?"
"SING! Like you used to. Stop playing dead, do it for Ryan. Remember, you used to write such beautiful love songs back then. Now, you only write crap,"

"I write what I feel."
"You don't feel love? YOU HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS, ZALIA, LOUISE, MICHELLE, JEROME, HARRY, BRANDON, SO MANY PEOPLE WHO LOVE YOU! I HAVE NOTHING AND YOU GET EVERYTHING AND STILL YOU'RE COMPLAINING! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT, MALCOLM?! YOU FUCKING LOSER—TELL ME AND I'LL GET THAT FOR YOU! WILL IT KILL YOU TO BE HAPPY?! WHAT DO YOU WANT—"
"I WANT RYAN!" Malcolm shouted and Chelsea jumped back, "You'll get me what I want, right? Then, bring my best friend back to life,"

She looked at him, "If you can't do that, don't talk shit. I'm never writing such crappy songs again. I don't write about temporary people—"
"You write about dead people, Malcolm. Who are you kidding?"
Malcolm looked into her eyes.
"What was his name? Kate Roberts?" Chelsea asked.
"What about him?"

"He looks up to you and admires you,"
Malcolm looked at his feet, "I know...I feel like...Maybe's he's in a trap because he thinks I'm a good person. You know what I think? I think we're all in our private traps and none of us can ever get out,"
"Sometimes, we deliberately step into those traps,"
"I was born in mine. Grew up in a family where I rarely ever saw my parents. I've even forgotten what they look like anymore. I almost never see them. Then, I met Ryan and you in kindergarten. And then, Ryan died in high school first year. Like, it's all just ever about losing but I don't mind it anymore. I just don't want to lose anything anymore. I don't want to feel pain again,"

"I would lose anything I ever had or will have just to feel pain again. Because I can't feel anything." Chelsea said. Malcolm looked at her.
"We think pain is the worst feeling," Chelsea said, "It isn't. How can anything be worse than an eternal state of inactivity? An eternal silence inside you, inside your soul. There's this emptiness which my brother left and no matter how much I binge, I cannot fill it. It's all over for me but it's not over for you, yet. You still have some time before it's impossible to come back, just don't end up like me. I don't want you to think that you're useless or worthless,"