Destiel One-shots

Bo Burnham

This was by far Dean's most hated hunt in years.

Sam disagreed- he thought this was freaking hilarious.

You see, Sam and Dean had been hunting a ghost. It had been killing middle aged men in a town in Indiana, and the Winchesters went out to see if they could find the stupid spirit and salt and burn it.

All of the victims had been last seen near an abandoned house before they died, their bodies turning up randomly in other people's houses about a week later.

So, naturally, Dean broke into the old house and was snooping around while Sam looked into the victims for any sort of relation between them.

The silence of the abandoned house was quickly interrupted by Dean's phone.

"Find anything?" He asked.

"Yeah," Sam insisted. "So get this- all three victims had one thing in common."

"And what would that be?" Dean questioned, walking into one of the houses's old bedrooms. He frowned, spotting a strange stain on the floor.

"They were all gay."

"What?"

"All of the guys were middle aged guys in the closet, who were secretly dating other men."

"So what? They all banged the same dude in high school, he died, and is out for revenge?"

"Not quite. The house you're looking in was owned by a man named Mark Hollins. According to the locals, he wasn't exactly the LGBTQ's biggest supporter. He died a few months ago."

"So we're hunting a homophobic ghost who's murdering gay guys?"

"Pretty much. Hollins was cremated though, so his spirit must be tied to something. He lures the men into his home to torture and kill them, and then he transfers the body to their boyfriend's home."

"What kind of sicko does that?! It's bad enough that your boyfriend dies, but for his body to show up in your house? That's just messed up."

"You can say that again. Did you find anything in the house?"

"EMF's been going off like crazy, but not much else. Pretty sure I'm in the room he's been torturing the poor guys in, seeing as there's fresher blood on the floor."

"Gross. Well, wrap it up, and we'll ask around tomorrow; try and figure out wha-" The call fizzled out, and Dean hit at his phone, groaning. His flashlight started to flicker.

"Son of a bitch," He swore, turning towards the door of the room, which promptly slammed in his face. He tried the handle.

Locked. Of course.

"Son of a BITCH," Dean swore again. He glanced back at his phone, which was now proudly reading 'No signal.' He sighed, knowing he'd have to wait for Sam to come and find him.

"This is ridiculous," Dean grumbled. "Hey ghost! I'm not even gay! Wrong bait! Can you let me go?" 

Nothing.

After a few hours, Dean was starting to get a little antsy. He sat against the wall, humming AC-DC to pass the time. Slowly, he started to smirk, an idea growing in his mind.

"ALRIGHT, GHOSTY GHOSTY," He called out. "You hate gays? Well how about a little serenade?"

He banged on the door with his flashlight, and started to sing loudly, his off-key voice ringing through the house.

"Every time I go to dinner, It seems like I'm getting a little bit thinner, I'll sit down at the breakfast table, I can talk while they're not able, When I look at them I find, There's a single question on their mind., I wish it could go back to the way it was, It's not easy now because..."

Dean waited expectantly, but nothing happened.

"MY WHOLE FAMILY THINKS I'M GAY," He yelled out. " I GUESS IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY. MAYBE IT'S CAUSE OF THE WAY THAT I WALK, MAKES THEM THINK I LIKE-"

Something slammed him across the room and Dean laughed as he hit the floor and then kept singing.

"The goddamn question just won't go away, And I get asked every single day, But the way they ask it is not a disguise, Like "How was your day? Do you like to kiss guys?", This is the worst, baby, this was my fear, Now their opinions are crystal clear, Because..."

A door slammed somewhere else in the house and Dean smiled, amused that he was pissing off the ghost.

"My whole family now is shocked, I'm in the closet and the door is locked. Now my glory days are gone, I was John Elway now I'm Elton John. My whole family now suspects, Watching Spongebob had side-effects. I'm not gay and that's what I said, If I'm gay, hey, God, strike me dead, you know...That's weird, Just 'cause I'm on the cheer-leading team, And my birthday party had a Broadway theme... When I go outside, what do I see? That the clouds in the sky spell F-A-G..... Because I think that God might think I'm gay, What does He know anyway? My grandma gave me a present just last year, And the card said: "Happy Birthday, queer!" My whole family thinks I'm fab, There's a guy's butt - "Hey, Bo, take a stab! C'mon... why doesn't he get women? There's no other way!" It's 'cause I'm lanky, not 'cause I'm gay, alright? Not 'cause I'm gaaaaaaay!"

The ghost threw the flashlight at him, and Dean started to duck, avoiding the objects it started throwing at him.

"JUST CAUSE I'M AFRAID OF THE SNOW, AND MY FAVORITE COLOR IS THE RAINBOW- I DON'T MEAN TO YELL BUT I FEAR I MUST, CAUSE I'M LOSING THE PEOPLE THAT I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST! BECAUSE EVEN MY BOYFRIEND THINKS I'M GAY!"

The ghost slammed him around the room at that one.

"Because my whole family thinks I'm gay, What did they know anyway? You gotta look right through the haze, Easy-Bake oven was just a phase!" Another door slammed, and Dean just kept going.

"MY WHOLE FAMILY THINKS I'M QUEER, THAT IS ALL I EVER HEAR, BUT I'VE BEEN AS STRAIGHT AS A RAMP, IF YOU DON'T COUNT BIBLE CAMP! BIBLE CAAAAAAAAMMP!!!"

"Dean?" Sam's voice asked, standing in the doorway to the room, staring at him. Dean's eyes widened.

"I'm not gay, I swear." He blurted out, running out of the room. Sam followed him

"......Was that Bo Burnham?" Sam asked.

"No," Dean scoffed. "Shut up Sammy."

"......I love Bo Burnham." Sam muttered.

They killed the ghost, of course, but that didn't stop the constant teasing from Sam as they drove back to the bunker.

"If you aren't gay, then why did the ghost go after-"

"Shut up Sam."

"And he only went after guys with boyfriends; does that mean you and Cas are-

"Shut UP Sam."

"If you were gay, that'd be okay-"

"SAMUEL SHUT THE HELL UP."

".......I mean cause Hey! I like you anyway!" Dean stopped the Impala, and shoved his moose of a brother out of the car.

"YES, ALRIGHT!" He yelled at him. "YES, I'm bi and Cas and I have been screwing around since Purgatory! Now shut the hell up, because you're even deeper in the closet then I am- FIND YOUR OWN WAY HOME."

And he drove away.

Sam called Charlie for a ride.