Destiel One-shots

He Prayed

A/N: Song in the video is meant for a different ship, but damn it works well for Destiel too.

He prayed.

He prayed, he prayed, he prayed-

The words were on a loop in Castiel's mind. His and Dean's return trip to Purgatory definitely hadn't gone smoothly, but Cas hadn't expected it to take the turn that it did.

Hadn't expected the Leviathans to trap him and knock Dean unconscious and leave him for dead in a field. 

Hadn't expected Dean to risk losing his chance at getting back to the bunker by searching for Cas, searching until mere minutes remained and he prayed.

He prayed.

It had been years since Dean had prayed to him. Not since the angels fell. Part of Cas wondered if Dean thought he'd lost the ability to hear prayers along with his wings. But Cas hadn't. Dean had stopped praying, but sometimes angels didn't need the words. He could sense a longing without somebody praying to him. Hell, he'd sensed Dean longing for him when the man had angel warding carved on his ribs. Some part of Dean always clung to him in that way. It unnerved Cas at first, the strange connection between them, but then he grew used to the feeling. He grew to like it. 

But then Mary had died, and any longing had vanished.

It had been a shock to Cas at first, but he hadn't had the time to process it. How, if he had been human, the loss of Dean's longing would've kept him up at night. It haunted him.

And Dean had said he was dead to him. Castiel hadn't realized words could hurt so much until then. 

And then Jack died, and God betrayed him, and Cas just fell apart.

What else was he supposed to do? When the child he'd sworn to protect was dead, the person he cared for most wouldn't even look him in the eye, the angels he'd once called family were all either dead or would barely let him enter heaven, and God- Chuck, the one being he'd always had faith in, had been a traitor the entire time without Cas even suspecting a thing.

It was too much. Too much all at once, and as heavy as the weight of it all was, Cas knew he'd have to carry it because the Empty would only come for him when he was happy, so he was doomed to live a miserable existence for eternity.

However long eternity lasted without God.

Cas had tried to fix things. He couldn't bring Jack back- not when he had burned the boy's body in Hell. He definitely couldn't fix Chuck, and his relationship with the angels was past saving, so Cas tried to solve his problems with Dean. His most important problem, really.

But Dean wouldn't hear it. Wouldn't listen. Not to anyone.

But Dean.... Dean was a complicated human. One of the most complex Cas had ever encountered. They had been friends for eleven years, and Cas still hadn't completely figured him out. It was one of the things he loved about Dean- that it would take an eternity to learn and love every piece of him.

Until Mary's death, Cas was sure he'd have eternity to figure it out. But now...

After he left the bunker, Cas was sure it was over. Sam had called so many times, but you couldn't really have one Winchester without the other, and Cas knew Dean would never forgive him, so he couldn't bring himself to talk to Sam.

It was over. Cas knew it. He had nothing left, not when he was dead to Dean.

But then they went to Purgatory, and the human Cas was sure wanted him left for dead, the one he was positive would go home before looking for him, prayed to him instead.

And apologized.

Eleven years, and Cas could still count on one hand the number of times he'd heard Dean apologize. 

And the way he spoke, the tears Cas knew were falling from Dean's eyes as he prayed; well, that just broke him.

The unspoken phrase of "I love you" driven in every word. Guilt and regret poured from Dean in his prayer, and Cas knew why.

And they had found each other. The look of sheer relief on Dean's face at the sight of him healed something in Cas. Let him know that he was no longer dead. Not to the one who mattered most to him.

"I have to say something," Dean had said immediately, because he thought Cas hadn't heard the prayer, and he needed- he needed Cas to hear him apologize. But Cas didn't let him, for he had heard the prayer. How could he have not?

So they didn't say anything. There was nothing to be said, Cas thought. Dean was a man of few words when it came to feelings, and Cas was still learning the proper things to say. But that didn't matter. Purgatory had fixed their relationship once before, and it had done it again. Nothing needed to be said.

Dean and Cas were always good at talking without saying anything, after all. 

"Cas.... Cas, I hope you can hear me... that wherever you are, it's not too late...I should've stopped you. You're my best friend, but I just let you go... 'cause that was easier than admitting I was wrong. I.... I don't know why I get so angry... I just... I know that it's just always been there and when things go bad... It comes out. And I cant'... I can't stop it. No matter how bad I want to, I just can't stop it. And I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. I'm sorry it took me so long. I'm so sorry it took me til now to say it. Cas, I'm so sorry. I hope you can hear me... I hope you can hear me."