Destiel One-shots

Breaking Dr. Phil

"Why are we doing this again?" Sam asked, confused.

"Because it'll be funny, and it's about time we did something funny." Dean declared.

"But he's an innocent man-"

"Whose show is freaking annoying."

As if on cue, Cas appeared, dragging a very confused Dr. Phil with him.

"What is this?" Dr. Phil demanded.

"We're going to break your mind." Dean grinned.

"You deal with gossip and messed up complicated families, so, we figured we'd drive you insane with ours." Sam went on.

"We'll return you after, don't worry." Cas proclaimed. 

"Okay...." Dr. Phil offered, confused. "What's your family like?" They laughed, and then Gabriel and Jack walked in, joining the fun. 

"I'm Dean," Dean started. "And this is my little brother Sam."

"Our parents are dead, but their names were John and Mary."

"This is Cas," Dean went on. "He's my husband. And that's Gabriel. He's Sam's husband."

"Not he's n-" 

"Yes I am." Gabriel confirmed.

"Now technically," Dean continued. "Cas and Gabriel are also brothers and they have a million siblings."

"Not a million-" Cas started.

"Their Dad's name is Chuck, and they have an Aunt named Amara. Get it so far?" Dr. Phil nodded. "Good. Now, I'm married to Cas, but I also once slept with his sister Anna, and was possessed by his brother Michael."

"But it was alternate universe Michael, so it wasn't my real brother." Cas interrupted.

"And at least three of Cas's siblings have been in Sam." Dean went on.

"But I've only been possessed by tw- oh." Sam stopped. Gabriel cackled in the background.

"One of the guys that possessed Sam was Lucifer, you know, Satan?" Dean kept talking. "Well he also possessed the president for a little while, had an affair with a lady named Kelly, and they had a son named Jack. Say hello Jack."

"Hi," Jack waved.

"But then Kelly died, and Lucifer, being a dick, killed Cas and stole Jack's grace."

"Which led to my death," Jack continued.

"But he's fine now, and so me, Sam, and Cas have basically adopted Jack because Lucifer was an asshole and I killed him."

"And then we had this family friend named Bobby," Sam went on. "He died, but then alternate univserse Bobby showed up."

"From the same place as the Michael that possessed me, not to be confused with the Michael that was Cas's brother. He possessed our half brother Adam, and their playing ping pong in a cage or something."

"And then alternate universe Bobby started dating our Mom, Mary."

"But then he left and our Dad came back to life, so that was little awkward."

"But he's gone now too,"

"Oh, and then there's the matter of Becky."

"Becky is my ex-wife," Sam went on. "Who also dated Chuck, who is Gabriel and Cas's father."

"So Sam's ex-wife is our father in law's girlfriend."

"And then Amara, Cas's aunt, kissed Dean."

"Which just made everything awkward."

"It's a mess, really."

"And Gabriel's been dead twice, but we got him back."

"So now Gabe's married to me, Cas is married to Dean, everyone else is dead, and we're living with Lucifer's son who we adopted in an underground epic bunker built by sexist scholars." Sam concluded.

"What do you make of that one, Dr. Phil?" Dean questioned.

Dr. Phil was staring at them like they were completely insane.

"I- " He shook his head, not having the words to comprehend that. They had broken him.

"What about you, Linda?" Gabe asked. The blonde therapist in the back of the room was writing down notes, and she nodded.

"Yep, makes perfect sense to me." She declared. 

A/N: Linda is Satan's therapist on Lucifer, so she deals with angelic family issues like this all the time.