Where I Was Before You

20. Freddie not Freddie

I almost didn't realise how late it had gotten until I looked outside, and saw the remainder of the days light shift into different shades of pink and orange. Slowly draining from the sky, as the moon had nearly arrived for the night shift. That must mean it's pretty late, considering it's an Australian summer we're talking about. The sun doesn't set until at least 8:30. Wow, the day had gone fast. I feel like all I've done was wash the dishes and make lunch. And I didn't take any up to Freddie. I heard a couple of bangs up there and thought id better leave it alone. I was however just finishing up with cooking dinner. Nothing fancy, just some fried rice my sister had taught me how to make. Vegan, of course. I actually liked this version better. More.... Substance. I'm not really sure, but it was good. I found myself eating less and less meat these days because of her. I didn't really think about it, it just happened. Like I was being slowly brainwashed into feeling compassion for other creature. That's the best way I can describe Kelsey's constant little schemes. So I only cooked some bacon (the only meat I had in the fridge) for Freddie, because I knew he would want more than plant food.

It did smell amazing, I was impressed with myself. I plated up and grabbed my phone, untied my long hair from the messy bun I hurriedly put it in while I was cooking, braced myself, then slowly made the ascent to upstairs. I had to admit, I was more curious than scared. I had expected Freddie to cool off pretty soon like he usually does. But he had been up here for nearly 7 hours. I did feel bad about leaving him up there, but I thought that if he was really hungry, he would just come down. But he never did.

I get to his room, gulp, and knock on the door. Half expecting the room to be torn up from one of his teenager-y outbursts. After a few seconds of not being let in, I knock again. And hear shuffling coming from inside the room. Panicked shuffling. Like the sound, you expect to hear in the next room when your playing hide and seek with a 5-year-old. After another good couple of seconds, a dishevelled and worried looking Freddie answers the door. I almost don't say anything. He looks worse than when he got up this morning.

"I thought you might be hungry," I said as cheerily as I could. Freddie looked at the food and smiled, a joyful and relieved smile. He took the food from me, set it on his bedside table and gave me a hug. Wow alright, was not expecting that. He kept me in a lock for a long time, and I remember hugging him back just as tight. Probably tighter. While trying to savour his smell, shape and touch. All the things I knew weren't mine, and that I couldn't keep for much longer.

When he finally let me go, I broke out of my trance and sat down on the bed, much like we did this morning. And he placed both bowls in-between us and began to eat his, colour returning to his face. Not a word had been spoken since he opened the door. And yet, it didn't need to be. We both just knew this was apology enough.

"So, you've been up here for a while," I spoke, trying to concentrate on my food, so I didn't look too accusatory. Freddies eyes widened a tiny bit, and he coughed as if he was trying to prevent himself from choking.

"Aha, uh, yeah. I just wanted some alone time." He forced out.

"I just got worried, y'know? You didn't come down for lunch so I thought you might have been upset about something."

"Oh no no!" He cut in, barely before I could finish my sentence. "I just needed some time to think over the uh... plan, you made."

"Was it something I said?"

"NO! God no Mandy! Please never ever think that this was your fault!" He spat out. Looking very intensely at me, which I shifted away from. I wasn't used to this Freddie. He looked normal to anyone else, but I was used to him being so much tamer and confident. This man I was talking to was shy, scared and upset.

"What wasn't my fault?" I asked back.

"This! My being such a complete baby and locking myself away! My crashing into your life and expecting you to take care of me! Me even being here at all! It's all my fault and you shouldn't have to pick up the pieces of the mess I make!" Freddie yells as he tried to get up and walk out. Well if Freddie isn't going to be Freddie, then I'm going to be Freddie. I stand up and before he can walk out of the room I grab onto this hand so he cants walk away. He tries to shake me off, but I grip on tightly. Looking at his eyes until he looks back at mine.

"Freddie, you need to talk to me!" I demand. I'm too tired for all of these childlike games and riddles he keeps leaving me. He says he doesn't want me to pick up his mess, but I'm certainly picking up his clues.

"About what? What is there to talk about?" He spits.

"This, Freddie! Why are you acting so weird? I know it has something to do with me. Just talk to me!"

"Ughh!" Freddie grunts as he drops to the floor and rests his head in his knees, wrapping his arms around this legs. "hakbibciubi." He mumbled.

"What?"

"hwdjhrbeebvjb!" He said, a little more loud. I sit down next to him and lift his head out of his knees.

"I made you upset," he begrudgingly offered. "I'm really trying Mandy, you know that. It's so hard for me not to just.." He went on, before pausing.

"For you to what?"

"Uh, nothing." He said, quietly before lying down, facing the ceiling and covering his face with his hands. I wanted to hold him so badly. You can't even imagine. I felt so disgusted with myself. That I could tell him something that made him so upset, I don't even know how to handle myself.

I lie down next to Freddie and begin to stroke his face. Jesus, no, you need to stop. But I've already got Fred's attention. I take a deep breath.

"Freddie, I get mad at you, you get mad at me. It's only natural that we would get upset at each other as well. Our personalities clash, it's nothing big. I know you still care about me, and never meant to hurt my feelings. I wasn't even crying because of you, I was crying because I thought I wouldn't be able to help you."

"But you shouldn't feel like you have to help me!" He yells, as he sits up and refuses to look at me.

"Freddie!" I yell back. He still doesn't look at me. So I take my hand and pull his face toward mine.

"I want to help you, Freddie. I'm not doing this because I'm being forced to. I want you here. I want to try and get you back home because I care about you!" The room falls silent. Freddie stares at me. I see his head moving slowly closer to mine. Not in a predatory way, like he usually does. But it feels more natural, and I don't even think to try and move away. I might have even begun to lean in myself. I wanted it so badly. I saw him close his eyes, and I was about to close mine, when...