Where I Was Before You

49. cheerios

I am terrified. I keep my eyes glued on my door, expecting it to aggressively swing open any second, and feeling the cold rash consequences of my actions. Except, I wasn't sure what I did wrong. But that sure didn't prevent me from feeling guilty. I felt like there was a sharp and heavy rock sitting in my stomach. Tearing me open and weighing me down at the same time. I didn't want to move, or that might make me tear more.

I gather up enough courage to move slightly so I can look at my phone. I roll onto my back and slowly move my eyes to my phone. I knew that if I moved too much something bad would happen. It was so absolute, as definite as the sky was blue. I turned my head, and slowly outstretched my arm, bending it in a very uncomfortable position so I could reach my phone. I picked it up and brought it up close to my face.

8:34am February 17 2018

Do I dare get up?

I place my hand on my stomach and know that there isn't actually anything shredding me up from the inside out, but oh god did it feel that way.

In some miraculous spin of willpower, I slowly lifted myself up and off my bed, stabilising myself the entire time. It was like I had aged 35 years overnight, I felt so fragile. Like the lightest word said in the softest tone could chip into me. Could shatter me, and I had no idea in hell why.

I open my door and can barely think of being calm as I pass Freddie's door, this area is just permanently a battle zone. There were holes and exploded landmines everywhere. The aftermath of every embrace, word, argument, action and every other thing that has happened between us. I remember when I first saw him. How I fell to the ground and couldn't even find words, how I let my tongue slip into the back of my throat and my mind wander as i looked into his eyes. while i wondered and feared for my life, i was excited and horrified at the same bloody time. I look again at his door, and realise how that memory isn't as foreign as I thought it was. I'm still terrified when I look down this corridor, still ecstatic beyond words when I see Freddies stupid face.

I walk into the bathroom, hoping to get some sort of relief. I splash my face with warm water and wipe it down. God how ugly I am. And I mean ugly, like disgusting. I was revolting. I've never given you guys description of my face have I? Must have slipped my mind. Well, now's as good of a time as any.

I have a very long and masculine face beginning with my gigantic forehead. Or should I say five-head. Once a battlefield for acne and grease, I've always hated my forehead. Right underneath you have my thin and poor excuse for eyebrows. They were at least dark, which I guess you could say was a plus, but not for my unruly and un-plucked caterpillars. My eyes, as you know, are green. A pitiable shade of green, if you ask me. They were always a little small for my liking, and the fact that they were slightly turned down always made me look like I was sad or upset. My nose took up half the space on my face, not accounting for my under eye-bags. It was asymmetrical and aquiline, which always made it sound more attractive than it looked. I guess you could say my lips were conventionally attractive, and I have actually gotten in full on fights with people before over my lips. They were quite... plump. That didn't mean i had to like them though. I wasn't trying to be Kylie Jenner. And thats all I have been asked for the past 3 years. Every week or so I'm asked who my plastic surgeon is, and a referral number they can use. And every time I have to reluctantly tell them that this is me. It's not preferable, knowing the whole world thinks you're a pretentious, self-obsessed Barbie wannabe.

I freeze when I hear a door open and footsteps exit Freddie's room. My breath is still, and all I can do is stare into my invaluable eyes, while I wait for Freddie to make his next move.

Thank the lord, he decided to go downstairs, and brings his footsteps with him. I can only bring myself to start breathing again once I can hear his feet land at the bottom of the stairs and walk further away into the house.