Where I Was Before You

26. piano man

Before I knew it, I had started giggling. Freddie stared at me. My giggling turned into sobbing, and I could feeling my body start to convulse. No, god no. Stop crying, you can't keep crying in front of him. But it wont stop. My body wont stop shaking.

"I'm sorry." I choke up.

"Mandy what the hell are you sorry for?"

"For-for being such a f*cking child."

"Mandy, I swear TO GOD. Only you would get harrased, and then find a way to blame it on yourself." It was hard to believe he was still intoxicated. He sobered up to the situation very quickly.

I just sobbed, tears now streaming down my face. I couldn't hide anywhere. I had to face my emotions as they came.

"Do you want me to drive?" Freddie asked me.

"Of course not! You're drunk." I squeak. My voice strained and hurt. Before I could think about it, Freddie has pulled my head into his chest, and I'm pressing my wet face into him.

"Im sorry.. Im so so sorry. Beyond words, Mandy, I cant tell you how disgusted I am with myself." I look up at Freddie, more confused than I already am.

"Why?" I sniffle. He strokes the hair out of my eyes.

"That I put you in those clothes, that I didn't stop that dick-flap from touching you.." You can hear the venom in his voice. "That I'm even here in the bloody first place, that you have to put up with me everyday."

"Freddie.."

"That you have to feed me, and f*cking supervise me like I'm the bloody f*cking child." Maybe I was more of a babysitter than I thought I was.

"Freddie please stop!" I sob. It sounds so pathetic when it comes out of my mouth. But he won't look away from me.

"W-what?" He manages to stutter out. His face looks so shocked and confused. I really don't know what came over me in this moment, maybe I was getting second degree drunk from Freddies breath.

"I-.." I look up and him, and slowly lift my face to his, and return the kiss he gave me earlier today. On the cheek, and I immediately press my face into his neck. I didn't want to think about how wrong this was. It didn't even cross my mind, It felt so right, in that moment. I just wanted someone to hold onto. So many people in my life had left me. I didn't want Freddie to in that moment. I couldn't think about the future, I just wanted to think about now. And now, I wanted to be close to Freddie, I wanted to tell him everything. But I knew I couldn't, so I just wanted to be close to him. I felt his arms wrap around me and hold me in close, and more tears rushed down my face.

"I don't think you're a bother Freddie.." I mutter. I feel his grip tighten more around me. He doesn't say anything, and I don't say anything. It's funny, that happens more and more often lately.

*******************************************************

All I can hear is the slow ticking of my useless wall clock. It's moments like this that I really reconsider not getting a tv. Even if it was just for background noise. My room is so empty, so dark. It felt like I was being held captive whenever I was in here. Freddie was downstairs somewhere, doing something mischievous. I was still very confused, Fred had hardly told me anything once I got in the front door, he just covered my eyes and managed to drunkenly stagger me upstairs and shut me in my room.

"It's a little surprise love!" He had said, only when I could no longer see him.

"What do you mean surprise?" I ask, pressing my face against the door. There is never one calm day here. My life right now more accurately resembled a sitcom that an actual life. Now I just managed to laugh at Freddies random little exciting outbursts or surprises he had in stall for me. It takes a while, but you do eventually get used to it.