Where I Was Before You

39. kill it from the roots

*BEEEEEEEEEEPP* I slam my hand hard on the car horn. It was enough for me to show up for work and explain why I can't work today or for the next week, but I didn't need to show up late as well. He had already made me wait 20 minutes in the house, so I went out to the car to try and make him get ready faster. He takes more time to get ready that my sister did in high school.

"FREDDIE!" I stick my head out of the car and scream. It surprises me that I have the confidence to do that. 2 weeks ago, I was scared of closing my front door too loudly. My neighbours probably think we sold the house to younger, disrespectfully uni students. I hear a window slide aggressively open and see Fred's head stick out through my side mirror.

"KEEP YOUR PANTIES ON LOVE I'M COMING!" I giggle. Wow, if someone had said that to me before all this started, I probably would have died of embarrassment and tried to punch whoever said it in the face. I had changed so much, but why? Why was I now suddenly okay with all this stuff?

I think the answer was generally obvious, but I couldn't wrap my head around just how much Freddie had an impact on me. Other people had tried to coax me out of my shell, but Freddie had just yanked me out and left me, naked, cold and afraid. But I didn't hate it now. My skin had thickened. Not by a lot, considering my social and general anxiety was still crippling. But I could take jokes now, I could almost have a good time at social outings. I even danced with a complete stranger at a club! Oh, wait. Let's just forget about the last thing.

I stare at the front door and can picture him walking out in the most flamboyant and Freddie outfit he can make from clothes in my sister's wardrobe. Unfortunately, my sister's style is more 90's than '70s. So if he wanted a wider selection of bellbottoms, he would have to visit Kaleb.

I needed something to pass the time, and I find my eyes drifting to our CD player. Do I even have any of my CDs anymore? I open my glove box and shuffle around the junk I've collected over the years. I really need to clean my car. In fact, it was probably about time I got a new car altogether. I got this one for my 17th birthday. And it was already second hand when we bought it. Mum paid for most of it, dad helped but he insisted that I paid for half of it with my own money. Which is why I got it at 17 instead of 16. A whole 2 years of nothing fun outside of school, of saving up my earnings, for this hunk of tin. To be fair, she has lasted way longer than I thought she would, and she has treated me pretty well through the years (apart from when it broke down on the road leading out the school grounds, and I spent 30 minutes crying in the front seat, waiting for the mechanics to show up while the cars behind me beeped and yelled curse words at me).

To my surprise, I actually find one and pull it out right away. My heart starts to pound and my head clouds with nostalgia.

'innuendo'. My first Queen album I ever owned. On CD! This is priceless! It was my dads, but he gave it to me when I was 6. Thank god for my father, my introduction to Queen. I would be lost without him. I trace the case edges with my fingers and see the corner damaged paper cover from inside. So many memories. This album saved my life in high school, and honestly every day since I got it. The crushingly beautiful music, the emotion behind every song, the undertone of death lingering behind every note. It was enough it makes you cry, and trust me, I have shed a countless amount of tears listening to this music.

I pop open the case, and the CD falls out, I panic and start scrambling to catch it before it drops on the floor and scratches. I loved this thing, it doesn't have a single scratch on it. At least not yet.. I bounce it from my left hand to my right before finally catching it right on the centre circle. Jesus that was a good catch. Why couldn't I have been that sporty in high school? I catch my breathe and stare at the disc, such a relic.