Where I Was Before You

52. I know, you know, I know

I've never noticed the type of people that live on my street before. I guess I never go outside enough to see them or talk to them. But as I'm just sitting on the porch outside, watching the stage of interesting people walk by. People I swear I can match up to descriptions given by my sister.

Like about 45 minutes ago, I saw a woman who I could swear was Sadie Kelly, number 25, I picked out her long beautiful grey hair and flawless wrinkled skin. It didn't seem like those things went together, but for her they did. She was definitely a beauty queen in high school. 30 minutes ago, Mr Roburts, number 34. He was quite heavily built but had a smile on his face at all time. 21 minutes ago, Sandy and her two sons Jacob and Harvey, number 8. Sandy was a single mother, and Kelsey would always praise her for how well and happy her sons seemed.

I would never talk to these people. I just let them go by. None of them were Freddie, so what really was the point? It had been almost eight hours now. It was 7:30 pm. And I was shattered. There's no elegant way to put that. He was gone. He had up and left and didn't come back. He was out of sight, given up. He had quit and I was his old abusive boss in a job he didn't even want to begin with. He didn't deserve me. I was far too low for him. For me to even think that he would stoop to my level is beyond me.

My Freddie wasn't coming back. He wasn't going back, and I needed to get over my f*cking self.

I pick my legs off the ground and stand up, taking one last look at the street. Hoping for anything. Any goddamn thing. If he wasn't back by now, he would never be back. I couldn't send the police after him, he wasn't supposed to exist. He was as good as a figment of my imagination. He came and went and only left a pile of incredible bizarre clothing. Such Freddie fashion. I chuckle. That's all I can do now. I could either crawl up on the couch and cry myself to sleep, hopefully, death would come and take me sooner than later. At least then I wouldn't have to live with this. Live with the words still floating around in my brain, still stabbing me and hurting me in ways I didn't think I could be hurt. Or I could sit, close my eyes, and just chuckle. Just laugh and try and pretend for one goddamn second that whatever had been happening for the past week, wasn't real. It didn't happen. It didn't.

Why did you let me kiss you, and why did you touch me, and why did you do all of those... SH*TTY F*CKING things... if you absolutely knew for a fact that I don't give a sh*t about you?

Freddie. I know. I know too much and it makes me sore.

MANDY WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG?

Everything, my love. I've f*cked up everything. I've ruined you. I've ruined Queen! I'v-

Wait... wait wait god no, that can't be right...

I walk inside and shut the door behind me. I almost sprint over to my phone and I messily type in my passcode, failing a couple of times before finally getting in, then going to safari and typing in 'Queen Band'.

I wait.

Queen are a British rock band formed in London in 1970. Their classic line-up was Freddie Mercury (lead vocals and piano), Brian May (lead guitar and vocals), Roger Taylor (drums and vocals), and John Deacon (bass guitar).

Yes yes, I know that! Albums! Skip to albums! My heart stops and then starts again. I start crying and coughing and I don't care that I look ugly when I cry, I just let the tears keep coming.

A Night At The Opera, Innuendo, News Of The World, Hot space, Made In Heaven.

They were all here... all of them. Every single one. Exact dates, not a song out of place. But how? God Freddie hasn't come back, he can't go back without me! Jesus Chris-

The door swings open slowly and carefully. My head snaps at the door and I wait, quietly, for another noise, another anything. A head pokes itself out from behind the wall and I want to scream.

"Freddie.." I stutter, so softly I wondered if he could even hear me. But he did, he looked right at me and I knew the look that was on his face. I knew what it meant, what he was trying to say, and it tore into me.

"Mandy." He said back, in the same tone. I stood up, but he just stayed still.

"Where did you-." I stop myself. No. He doesn't need that question right now. "Freddie, I'm so sorry." The tears start up again but they're silent. Thank the lord. Freddie is trying not to look at me, trying so hard, but that doesn't stop me from looking at him. I need him to forgive me. Please Freddie, my life, my love.

"That's okay." He spits out and walks past me and into the kitchen. He knocks me with his shoulder on the way past and I feel like I've just been gutted. Oh god no Freddie don't do this.

I follow him and try to think of all the millions of things I want to apologise for, that I can even begin to ask for his forgiveness.

"No, it's not. Freddie I lied to you, I lied about Queen, I lied about knowing you, who you were, I lied about how I felt." He didn't look back, he went to the fridge and was looking for something to eat, god he must be starving, he hasn't had anything since breakfast.

"It's okay Mandy, honestly." He says through a sigh. This was not forgiveness.

"No Freddie! It's nowhere near okay! Not even in the ballpark! I gave you a house, a bed, food and accommodation and didn't even bother to tell you that I have been listening to your music since I was 2 years old! Yes, 2! It's disgusting and I want to f*cking jump off a building every time I think about what you must think of me." Freddie turns around and grounds me with his eyes.

"I forgive you! It's okay!" I grab Freddie by the shoulders.

"NO IT'S NOT OKAY FREDDIE! IT WAS NEVER OKAY! AND THIS ISN'T FORGIVENESS! I know I won't get your forgiveness but I need to apologise! I'm sorry that I didn't believe you. I'm sorry that I was too scared every time you touched me, and I wasn't scared of you. God no. I was scared that if you touched me too much, or I liked it too much, then you would get sick of me because the lack of self-confidence I have is f*cking ground breaking!" Freddie is finally listening, he looks concerned, but not the way I want him to be concerned for me.

"Mandy.."

"I wanted you to touch me so much. So f*cking much Freddie you have no idea. And I swear to you it wasn't because of the posters and the albums and the music. I swear on my f*cking life that none of that means anything to me now. I was so scared. I was so f*cking in my head and self-centred and reserved every time you would touch me because..." I take a pause. I'm not about to say this, am I? I can't.

"Because?" Freddie pokes, and I look up to him and I want to smile, but more tears crash down instead.

"Because I love you. Freddie Mercury. Farrokh Bulsara. I-." I choke up and look away from him, taking my hands off of his arms and holding them across my chest. "You mean everything to me, Freddie. I'm so, so f*cking sorry I didn't believe you."

I look back into Freddie's eyes, and for the first time in a while, I melt. His eyes aren't poisonous anymore. They are pools of brown, I want to drive in. Oh god.

Freddie holds my shoulders and then leans in, I think I understood what was happening before he even made the move. My face relaxed, and I was graced by the two most incredible things I have ever touched. We stay there for a while, neither of us move, neither of us open our mouths. Freddie doesn't reach for my butt, and I don't run my fingers through his hair. We just kiss.

I felt like I was in middle school having my first kiss if I had ever kissed a boy in middle school. It was so pure, so right. A first kiss. Our first kiss.

Our lips part and I drive into his eyes again. Freddie looks back into mine, and giggles.

"I love you, Mandy Corfeld." My heart honestly skips a beat, and I smile while tears are still streaming down my face.

"I know."