Where I Was Before You

31. Ready Freddie?

I have been patiently waiting on the sofa for Freddie to come downstairs for about 20 minutes. At least this time I actually had my MacBook. He insisted that I couldn't look until he had formed the whole ensemble, in very Freddie like fashion. Kaleb was supposed to get here any minute and to be honest, I wasn't entirely dreading the evening now. I had patched up my fight with Freddie, that's all I really cared about. I can't describe to you how terrible I felt about myself when he was mad at me. It was like I was less than nothing. I looked at myself in an entirely different light. This wasn't anything new for me. I was used to having very fragile self-esteem. But was it strange that when I was with Freddie, my highs were higher than I've ever experienced, and my lows were absolutely crippling? I hated that this is how my brain worked. Of course, I cared about Freddie, I care about an already taken rockstar way more than I should. But I need to dial it back. I actually really need to dial it back. Every time I said I was going to stop being so touchy-feely, or stop caring so much, or stop thinking he's mine, it just gets worse, and I completely ignore my self.

What's happening to me?

*Knock, knock, knock* "Mandy! Jordan! Y'all ready?" Kaleb liked to pretend he was an American YouTuber by including vocabulary like 'y'all' and 'howdy'. It was annoying when he first started it, but now it's just more of a Kaleb meme, and I can't picture him without it.

I bounce out of my seat and walk over to the door. Feeling my blinding shiny dress swish against my legs as I walked. I have learnt from past experiences that you shouldn't wear anything too hot when going clubbing. It gets very hot very quickly. So this dress was pretty much the wisest choice.

I open the door and see the always fruitfully attired and smiley gay of my life stationed in the doorway.

"Hey, Max!" He exclaimed and leant in and gave me a big hug. This time, I hugged him right back. And probably for longer than I should have. I missed out on getting a good hug this morning. I was too distracted by Freddie and what was wrong with him. So I wanted to give him a bigger one now.

"Hey K." I affectionately replied. And smiled so wide once we let go.

"Someones in a happier mood!" He exclaimed as he plopped himself on the couch.

"Ugh, you have no idea," I said, following him.

"Any reason in particular?" He prodded.

"No. No reason at all." But I couldn't stop the smile from spreading across my face. Kaleb just looked at me with a weirded out expression. I'm sure he wasn't used to me being this positive, or just generally happy. I never viewed happiness as a necessity, it was always a luxury that I couldn't afford. But now it was like I was getting it handed to me. By the truckload, and I wanted to share it with the world.

"Are you wearing a dress?" Kaleb smirks. And I just look at him with an unimpressed smile. We hear the clunk of footsteps landing at the bottom of the steps, and 'Jordan' walks out, fully clothed in either mine or my sister's clothing. Which he, admittedly, looked better in that I did.

He was wearing my sister's corduroy maroon pants, my black V neck tee, that fit him quite snug, and his original faux leather jacket that he had on when he first got here. The jacket took my mind for a little spin. He looked so much different than he did that day. I know, technically he hasn't really changed much if at all. But I saw him so differently when he first got here. He was an imposter, a creep, a figment of my imagination. But now he was my friend, my comfort. It was creepy.

"Whaddayathink?" Freddie asked, in his very very bad accent. I giggled, but Kaleb didn't seem to notice.

"Oh I love it!" Kaleb stood up, and walked closer to Freddie, before pausing on this way out the door and touching Freddie's shoulder again. He then snapped his head back and walked out the door, toward his car. Freddie just stared at me, a dumbfounded look on his face.