Where I Was Before You

30. what to wear, what to wear

I was staring into the mirror. Trying to sculpt out some form of beauty from my dull features. I couldn't do it. I've done this 1,000,000 times before, and have never walked away successful. I was too plain, too boring, too much. But I had to try I guess.

I washed my hands and walked out of the bathroom and back to my bedroom, to try on more clothes that I hated, to try and find a halfway decent outfit for tonight. Freddie hadn't talked to me yet, so I guessed that 'personal stylist' crap was just a lie. I took off my top to try on this weird floral blouse Freddie thought looked good on me. I couldn't stop thinking about his smile, how genuinely happy he looked shopping with me, when he danced with me when he would laugh at my stupid jokes. Was that really all fake? I stared into my mirror, and for the first time in a while, I saw how disgusting I was. I didn't notice it as much when Freddie was so happy to be around me. It made me feel like I was actually worth something. But not anymore. I was disgusting and worth nothing.

Then suddenly the door swung open, no knock came before it. And I was standing there, topless, with Freddie staring at me from the doorway. But I didn't even scream, or yell or run to close the door before he could see anything. I just stood there and watched him with a sense of longing for a lost bond that I had somehow broken. Freddie looked me up and down, and without even saying sorry, he began to close the door again.

"Freddie!" I call. Almost pleading with him to stop. The door stops moving and I can see a tuft of his hair from behind the door. "Please... why are you doing this?" I beg. The door doesn't move, and there's silence for a few seconds.

"Don't you think you should put on a shirt?" He mutters, behind the door. I honestly didn't see any reason to. He obviously didn't look at me that way, so why bother?

"No, what's the point?" Freddie scoffs and I can hear the frustration seeping out of his mouth before he even begins to talk.

"You're so f*cking confusing woman I swear! What do you want from me!" He hisses. I was really taken aback by this. Why was he so mad at me?

"Why do you keep acting like this? What did I do??" I cry. Freddie still stays behind the door.

"I thought this is what you wanted! You said to stay away from you right! That's what I'm doing!"

"I never said I wanted you to stay away from me!" I spit. I'm filling up with anger so fast that I can't handle what's coming out of my mouth.

"Well, maybe I want to stay away from you!" He screams. The room went silent. All the anger that was festering up inside me started to spill out. And the tears came washing down my face. Jesus Christ! I always have to cry at the worst moments, don't I! But I can't stop it. It flushes out and I'm sobbing just so that I can breathe through the waterfall. I hear the door open and I cross my arms so he can't see me.

"Mandy! No, Jesus, I didn't mean it! Please stop! please.." Freddie starts to beg. But his comforting words mean nothing. He still isn't touching me. He didn't take me in his arms and press my face into his chest like he usually does. He was just standing there, and I felt so alone.

"You can't even bear to touch me!" I yell, the tears ferociously pouring out. "Am I that horrible Freddie? Do you really hate me that much?" I know I'm talking nonsense. I know that that was a stupid and very idiotic thing to say. But it just came out. I couldn't bring myself to look at Freddie's face. But I saw his hands, trembling.

"I- I don't wanna hurt you.." He mumbles. So much confliction and pain in his voice I nearly can't believe I'm talking to the same person.

"What do you mean?" I sob.