Heartless Monster

Chapter 32

Chapter 32

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Like any other weekend, Cole visited to play with Alex. Katatapos naming kumain ng breakfast at kasalukuyan akong nag-aayos ng mga pinagkainan namin habang nasa sala naman ang dalawa.

Natapos na akong maghugas ng mga pinggan at pagkatapos ay inayos ito. Nagpunta ako sa sala at nakita kong masayang naglalaro ng mga pinamiling laruan ni Cole si Alex. Kalaro niya rin si Cole.

Pumunta ako sa kwarto ko para maligo dahil mamaya ay pupunta ako sa shop para icheck ito. Kinuha ko muna ang cellphone ko at chineck. Napabuntong-hininga ako nang makitang hindi pa rin sila nagrereply. Umupo muna ako sa kama habang nakatingin sa screen ng phone. Sinimulan ko ang pagtitipa ng mensahe.

Ako:

Mommy, is everything okay? I haven't been able to contact you since last week. I hope to catch up with you and Daddy. Alex is also looking for you, we miss you two.

Napabuntong-hininga ako nang ilapag ko ang cellphone sa bedside table.

After I found out that my husband was still meeting with his lover, I decided to leave the country. My mother was against my idea, but my dad supported what I wanted. But later she suggested that I just have my vacation here and come back when I'm okay, which I declined. I want to stay for good, or maybe a vacation can't heal me that quickly. Napapayag din naman namin si Mommy kinalaunan. Gusto nilang sumama sa akin pero hindi ako pumayag dahil gusto kong mapag-isa at walang mag-aasikaso sa kompanya.

Sinabihan ako ni Mommy na pag-isipang muli ang desisyon ko. But I was born stubborn and want things my way kaya hindi ako nakinig sa kaniya. My mother was furious when she learned about my filing of annulment papers. She was once again against me, leaving the country, but I didn't falter. I didn't tell my parents about my pregnancy. Naging matibay ang desisyon ko nang hindi na naman bumisita si Zach pagkatapos ng dinner na iyon.

He doesn't want me, that's for sure. He was just forced to be in this marriage because of the business and our parents' encouragement. There's no love between this so-called marriage in the first place, so I want to end this. I want to end my agony and pain. I want to stop loving him for me to be okay.

Loving him was like wandering through a forest that had never been discovered or explored before. You don't know what's waiting for you at the end of the trees and bushes that cover the land. It can be a very beautiful or peaceful place that seems to be perfect or a nightmare that awaits you. Your safety was not also guaranteed along the process, hindi maipapangako na hindi ka masasaktan sa paglalakbay. There were too many factors that could hurt you. Poisonous plants, bumpy roads, unfamilliar surroundings, and... savage beasts. Monsters that are so heartless will also prey on you.

Loving him was painful and damaging. I gave all I had, but I didn't get any in the end. Well, it was also my fault, hindi naman kasi lahat ng pagmamahal ay nasusuklian. Hindi dapat ako umasang ibabalik niya ang pagmamahal ko sa kaniya dahil hindi naman mapipilit iyon. I'm aware of that, but still, I insisted, even though it hurt, that my heart was broken beyond repair.

My heart became numb, but I've never thought na masasaktan pa rin pala ako sa susunod niyang gagawin. Akala ko ayos na ako. Ayos na akong may mahal siyang iba at hindi maibalik sa akin ang nararamdaman ko ngunit mali ako. Seeing him with the one he truly loves was like tearing my heart into pieces. I surrender. I can't do that anymore. Hindi ko na kayang magpanggap na hindi ako nasasaktan, hindi ko na kayang magpanggap na hindi masakit. Dahil ang totoo, sobra na akong nasasaktan. Sobrang sakit na.

I left the country with a broken heart and our child in my tummy. Hindi ako nakinig kay Mommy. Sa mga pakiusap niya at pagmamakaawa. My mind was clouded and pain was eating me up, so all I could think of was running away from all the problems. 'Yun lang ang naisip kong solusyon. My dad, as always, supported me. We settled on contacting each other via Skype, and they also visited me twice a year.