Finding Contentus

Chapter 30: When Oh when?

After everything that I've been through, you would think that I would be used to death by now. For I have seen death countless times, and I've experienced it. I have killed and I have watched others be killed. I know death. In that regard, you could say I'm "used" to death always being around, seen and experienced.

Almost as though death were both my closest friend, and my worst enemy ever since I was born into this world. And yet, each and every single time I meet, see, or experience death, I can't help but wonder...

When?

When will I get used to you when I already am "used" to you? When will I finally accept you? When will I finally... be free from fearing you? When will my suffering end? When will the answer arrive?

I know these are questions that cannot be answered in my lifetime. A lifetime that I have valiantly struggled and fought with through all conceivable odds to keep when all I wanted to do was just... rest.

For my will, is my blessing in living and refusal to succumb to death.

However—

Equally, my will, is also my curse in living while those around me succumb to death. Both by my own actions, and actions out of my control.

And so I say oh. Please grant me the serenity to accept all the things that I cannot change. And so I say oh. Please grant me the strength to help change the things that I cannot accept. And so I say oh.

Please help me...

Find content, with the inevitability — of death.

He climbed up the mountain forest, high enough to where the clouds formed. The rainfall was heavy, as was the persistent condensation of moisture laden air currents.

Once he reached the very top, he stared up at the sky, being submerged with the clouds. Just staring. Openly into an open place that he could not reach or breach. An open place that was closed to the realm of the living, for the heavens remained far above where the eye could not travel.

Strangely enough, Renero felt his fiercely pounding heart ceasing with each step he made until everything suddenly stopped for him and his shaken up core. There was nowhere left to go, or climb, or hide. Only down. A direction he was accustomed to. A direction he kept coming back to, no matter how many times he tried changing directions in going up.

How ironic. For as high as he was on top of the mountain forest, he looked down to see just how far of a drop it was from his position.

The scenery through the clouds, the heavy condensed rainfall and the trees provided him with an overarching view of the different parts of Petora.

Directly down below was of course the village of Rinestone where he just was some time ago. Increasing the vision in his dilated pupils, he could see the great fire that he knew was for Brianna due to the ever faint but discernible cries of mourning and rage being emitted by the people, and those they had lost today.

Cries that were screaming for revenge. For retributive justice against the Metro invaders. The ghosts of his tormented past that he could never escape from.

With another fiery ghost to add.

It was strange. Yes Renero was sad over Brianna and the others, but above all else he was more so mourning over his own inequity and defeat.

He knew Brianna did not fear death. Nonetheless, the mere thought of her death scared him with how fearless she was of it, how he tried to prevent such from happening in a pleading act of shame for chiefs, and the words she used to say to him, during the early stages of his arrival in Petora.